It Happened to a Nice Christian Girl

Me: Raised in a Christian, healthy home with loving parents in a safe, vibrantly happy atmosphere.
Him: Worldly wise and charming; a committed Christian, talented and smart.
Us: A born-again couple ministering in a contemporary Christian band, writing and performing our own music, traveling the country while playing at churches, Christian coffee houses and concert events. Everything was in place, so how could it all fall apart?

No warning signs; no red flags.  Years into our marriage, we’d just had our first child when he broke the news, along with my heart: I’m seeing someone else, and I’m not breaking it off.

Crash! And nothing would ever be the same. But rather than dive into all the gory details (you didn’t think this was one of those blogs, did you?) let me share some questions my 24 year old self asked then, and the answers my older-but-won’t-tell-you-her-age self would now give to that frightened, crumpled young woman who wailed, “This wasn’t supposed to happen to a nice Christian girl!”

Should I have seen this coming?
Unless you can out-prophesy Elijah himself, how are earth can you predict when and how someone will make bad decisions? Your question is just another way of telling yourself you’re somehow responsible. People sin girl, and when they do, nobody makes them do it, and nobody can predict when and how they’ll do it. 

Why did he do it?
Ask him, not that you’ll get much of an answer. Men who don’t control themselves aren’t big on self-examination, after all. And when they go outside their marriages, there’s hardly ever one reason. A cheap thrill, a divided heart, a need to have his ego stroked, an addiction to dangerous ‘rushes’ – all these reasons and more can contribute to this kind of thing. One thing’s for sure, though. He did it; not you.

So what should I do?
If he’s willing to build up what he’s torn apart, and you’re wiling to take him back, then go for it. But you need to insist on a clear action plan, with some good counseling, a one-and-for-all break in any communication with ‘her’, and some long hard talks about how this happened and what’s going be done to keep it from ever happening again. Then again, if he’s not willing to work this out, grieve. Weep. Scream, if you must. Then lean heavily on the people who love you, because you need them. Hunker down and seek God like He’s the bread and you’re the starving man. Don’t take responsibility for the mess your husband made, but do take full responsibility for dealing with it like a grown, godly woman.

But I’m so angry I want to hurt him! 
That’ll solve everything, won’t it? Look, things are bad enough without you making a bigger mess of them. It’s easy to see yourself as the victim who’s entitled to lash out, but believe it or not, you don’t a get a “pass” on the command to be Christ like just because you’ve been betrayed. In fact, in betrayal, He showed His true self, didn’t He? You’re His follower, so don’t think you can do anything less than Him.

When does the pain stop?
When do injuries heal? How long does it take? It all depends on the kind of injury, doesn’t it?  So try seeing yourself like someone who’s in a body cast after a terrible car accident. All she can do for awhile is rest, hurt, and ask as little of herself as possible while she gets care. So be sure you have someone to talk to, friends to lean on, a prayer life to invest in and a church to embrace you. That’s your body cast. Let it protect you while the miracle of your healing happens slowly but surely, and wait.

I wish someone had given me that advice back in ’81. But thank God, I did have good friends, wonderful family, strong church fellowship, and an Italian lady’s stubborn grit. My marriage ended – he chose not to try; I chose not to wallow. Oh, the pain was huge, and the loneliness was indescribable. Me alone, with a newborn baby and a broken spirit. I felt as helpless as my infant! All the stars got knocked out of my eyes that first bleak year, while I struggled to make ends meet and move on in life, knowing now how very few guarantees it held and how hugely people could fail you.

Years later I met my husband Joe. On our second date, he admitted to me that he’d been extensively involved in sexual sin and was beginning his own recovery process. That led me to one more question:

Are there any normal men out there?
Three years later we married. 21 years later here we are, and I still don’t know if there are any normal men out there. :) But I do know a few things now: Terrible things do happen to nice Christian girls, but wonderful things also happen, in His time, to heartbroken Christian women. And God, the great Surpriser and Redeemer, does have thoughts towards us that are thoughts of peace, not evil. May that peace be yours even now.

Comments

  1. Jeanine Lyons says:

    Hi Renee,
    I often hear your voice telling me that the healing will take time. The waiting for that is the hardest part. I saw something about people who have post traumatic stress disorder being “stuck” in the trauma. I guess that’s where I’m at. Everyday is a struggle, but knowing that I have you and others in my life to lift me up on the worst days and pray for me helps me to weather the storm. Thanks for all your love and support. I hope God will use my struggles to help others someday the way He has used you and your trials to help me and many others.
    Love & prayers, Jeanine

  2. Teresa,
    I think the questions of “When did I become not good enough?” is one of the hardest to ask and to answer. Intellectually, we know that much of a husband’s behavior towards porn or other sexual sins stems from their own issues, not ours. But emotionally it’s harder to buy that, isn’t it? As wives, partners and Christian women, we enter marriage with the idea that we’re forming a bond in love and that he will cling to us (no others) and we will cling to him only. If he really loved us, why the lying, why can’t he answer straightforward questions? Somewhere, our intuitive nature tells us something’s wrong and so many times it’s just a matter of time until that feeling is confirmed.

    Many women find themselves staying in the marriage because of thieir children – but if they decide to do this, they have to consider how they will do it and at the same time maintain a healthy emotional and spiritual life — not only for themselves, but for their children. There are a load of decisions and things to consider, and none of them come easy. That’s why you need support — I will let you know when the next WB grup starts again, and please keep in touch with this website as well. But for now, I would suggest getting some help from you local pastor, women’s group leader or a Christian counselor in your area. If you can’t find anyone, I also do individual support with women who find themselves in between groups. You can find more information on this website under the “Support Group” tab. Please email me if you’d like to pursue this. I know the ladies who comment here will keep you in thier prayers, as will I. Blessings. -R

  3. I have searched previously for a website such as this. My story will not be greatly different than several of the others that I have read but of course, vastly different when one has to live it.
    My husband and I have been married for over 26 years. A little over three years ago, I believe that I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to talk with my husband about sexual issues outside of our marriage. I had never wanted to have sexual temptation be a wall between us, so I had tried to talk about it within our marriage. After all, I was not above admitting that I had experienced moments of sexual temptation, but my husband’s pat answer was always this, “I am not interested in any other women. I am only interested in you.” Sounds good, huh? Maybe I left it at that because I felt guilty about being tempted myself when my husband was “pure,” maybe I just really wanted to believe that I had THAT guy that was not interested in other women.
    At that point three years ago when my husband had come back from a business trip I said, “So, do you ever think about other women?” His answer was curt and short, “I am thinking about you right now.” I knew then, without a doubt, that something had changed.
    What followed was not days but months of pulling teeth to try and obtain some truth. My husband after his initial callous responses went to seek pastoral counseling after I asked him to leave the home. He then proceeded to a Christian psychologist and into an intensive two day treatment, but sadly, through all of these he lied. He also used the opportunity to tell me how “bad” other men were. After all, he had only used pornography and had never had a “real” affair (although he had admitted that he would have if he hadn’t been too much of a coward). I was told that I expected too much, that I just needed to forgive him and move on.
    What I discovered over months is that my husband had almost always/if not always looked for sexual thrills from other women. It wasn’t always hard core pornography. He could make himself happy with lingerie magazines used for arousal and fulfillment. Our young, Christian marriage was nothing but a joke. He used terms such as “attractive, naked women,” a “treat for me at the end of a long day.” Would anyone mind taking a moment to remove the knife from my heart? I heard a woman who called into our local Christian radio station one day who had just learned of her husband’s pornography use, and I wept with the hurt in her voice when she said, “When did I become not good enough.”

    What I struggle to accept is that I was never good enough because my husband had always used women outside of our marriage. Where is the foundation that we have to go back to? How can trust exist when it has never been established? How can you ever believe that someone loves you when you have always heard those words but then find out that Playboys were hidden in your rafters or the tool chest in the hall? When you find out that your husband went so far as to use internet pornography in motel rooms with our daughters? But after all, “I had the screened turned away from her and left the room when I needed to complete the act?” How in the world can this monster be the man that I believed loved the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength?” I feel like the butt of some cruel joke.
    My husband desperately does not want the marriage to end, and he says that he has not used pornography, although he will almost never talk with me openly about the situation. There is always defensiveness and minimizing. I have stayed because we have 4 children to raise, and I know that God’s desire is not for divorce, but I wrestle periodically with the desire to just leave all of this behind. Where honestly and faithfulness never existed was there ever a marriage ordained by God?
    Please advise me when your next on-line support group starts. I need help to navigate all of this, and I believe that God has led me here. Thank you so much for your time.

  4. I have been searching for a site like this. It has been only nine months since the discovery and disclosure of my husbands affair. He is seeking recovery and we are still together because of Gods promise, “ashes to Joy.” I pray (and cry) everyday for strength to become the women the Lord wants me to be. The “Just for Today” list is with me at all times, it remind me of my responsibilty to myself. The pain is overwhelming sometimes but I now know I am not alone. Thank you for this wonderful ministry. I look forward to being a part of a Wifeboat group someday . . . . . to share Joy.

  5. Lala,
    I’m glad you found help in these blog posts and comments. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing from time to time. I’ll also keep you updated on when the next groups will be staring, in March of next year, and will keep you and your marriage in prayer. Blessings, R

  6. Joy amidst sorrow, that’s one of God’s promise that I can testify to right now. I just found out this week about my husband homosexual affairs. During the darkest moment of my life, God was faithful to keep his promise to me. He provided me a way out and support to overcome this trial. My husband choose to get help and asking for help and I choose to take him back because of my love for him and my strong faith in God. This website and the stories of other women who went through the same problem helped strengthen my hope. Please pray for our recovery and thank you for the support. God bless!!!

  7. Would it be reasonable for a “nice Christian guy” (please note that I don’t claim to fit this description) to wonder “Are there any normal women out there?” I think every person is normal yet not normal. We are all human and we have all fallen short of the glory of God. Author Terrence Real believes that in most couples there is a blatant offender (it’s obvious what this person is doing wrong), and the other member is a latent offender (this person’s behavior does not appear to be a problem although it does contribute significantly to the relationship issues). I think men are designed in a way that often results in them being the blatant offender. Conversely, women are often latent offenders. Each gender sees the relationship from their skewed perspective, and each side wonders how they got into a relationship with this abnormal person. Someone has said “You can’t have a perfect marriage when you have two imperfect people.” Marriage is at its best when both spouses are willing to work at the marriage and willing to let God work in the marriage and their individual lives.

  8. Dianne,
    Thanks for your kind words. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to share not only what happened to me, but (more importantly) the comfort and grace I received from the Lord. And as it says in 2 Corninthians 1:3-4:

    “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God.”

    And as far as greatness, I think we all agree, He’s the Great One! And when His comfort overflows from us to others, it’s His Greatness that becomes evident. He is so good to allow us to be used in that way.

    If you’d like to send me a personal email, just go to the Contact Form on this site and I’ll receive it personally. I look forward to hearing from you — how awesome that we can communicate being so far away! Blessings! -R

  9. Dianne Padilla says:

    Hi My name is Dianne, I live in Sydney Australia. I would love to let you know how refreshing is your ministry called WIFEBOAT and to say that greatness comes through great pain. Reading your story, yes there is lots of pain, but lots of greatness in reaching a world of need. Is there a email where I can talk to you personally? Thanks.

  10. Yolanda,
    I’m not a lawyer, but I take it if you have received sole custody of your kids, then they are allowed to see thier father at your own discretion. If your husband signed and agreed to that, then it sounds like he (at least at the time) preferred to have them in your care.

    The answer to your question depends on how young the children are, if your husband decides he wants a relationship with them and if the agreement between you two can be renegotiated. Also, there may come a time when the children want a relationship with thier father as well, (or at least ask questions) so when that time comes, you’ll have to think carefully about how you address that with them. I always suggest being as truthful and loving as possible, as is age-appropriate.

    In general, I think kids should have a relationship with thier fathers, even if it’s a limited or controlled one, barring any extenuating circumstances that would prohibit it, (i.e. anger issues, exposure to inappropriate behavior or material, drugs, etc.) But only you know the specifics of your own circumstances, so you have to go with what you’re comfortable with. When the time comes, my suggestion is to consult a good family law attorney because they would know the current law and how to structure the visitation so that you feel your kids are in a good environment.

    Yolanda, we do discuss how to handle issues related to children during the WifeBoat Support Group sessions, and I love to have you take part. Our next group will be starting in July and will run for 12 weeks. Please stay in touch with the website for upcoming details.

    I know we’ll all keep you in prayer as you go forward raising your kids. Please keep in touch. -R

  11. Yolanda says:

    I have a question that I truly need to be answered. Currently I have sole custody of our children do to his own actions. Do I allow my children to be around their father and his new male partner? Do I continue to fight to protect my children by not allowing them around him? I truly need some clarity in this area, I fought to protect them for the last two years to give them an opportunity to grow in their beliefs as a Christian. However, everyone except a few people think that I should allow him around them. One day I do believe he is going to want a relationship. But he is in the military and due to “don’t ask and don’t tell policy”, he can’t reveal anything. So once they repeal the law or gets out, that day will come. I also would like to join the group, can you please tell me when the next one will be available. Thank you

  12. Mandi,
    I too knew of my husband’s issues before we were married and we went to counseling a few times after his revelation and continued with our wedding plans. I know he loves me (and now our 3 children) and does not intentionally want to hurt us or destroy our family; but this issue has caused enormous amounts of pain, dishonesty, and fear for both of us.

    I certainly do not know your fiance’s heart and where he is in his recovery, but in hindsight I wish that I knew to take PLENTY of time to sort this out for both of us before getting married. At the time I thought our love was strong enough to fix it (and him) and that it would just go away because we both wanted it to, and we were young and excited to get married. The stress of life as children are born and money is tight and schedules are busy does not always bring a couple closer together and, in our case, it opened the door for catastrophe.

    I believe that men can have success in conquering this issue and God heals–but take the time to make sure things are resolved. I highly recommended a Christian counselor with experience in SSA and many sessions with this counselor, as a couple and individually, so that you both deal with all of your feelings honestly and set accountability measures in place. Avoidance and ignorance of this issue only make it thrive. Like Becky, I do not wish to scare you but would love for you to avoid the pain that we have endured.

  13. Mandi,
    My adivice honey, do not get married until he goes to counseling for this issue for a very extended amount of time. Its awesome he has been up front with you, and honest. That is half the battle. If he knows now its enough of an issue to share it with you, then its enough of an issue to get it resolved before you become his wife. If you’re posting here for advice then that kinda says to me you are a little concerned about the future.

    It sounds a little brisk, but don’t go into a marriage for life without being sure you have all the support in place. He wants do what hes supposed to, serve God, be married, have a family, and live right. My husband said when we got married. He thought I was wonderful and that I was enough to make him want to change. If you’re in love, and marriage is right, it will still be right after a year of counseling. I don’t want to scare you, but I do want to be honest.

  14. Val, I too appreciate your honesty. In my situation I have spent many many many months saying I want to reconcile with my husband, I can say I do but I say it easily because he doesn’t want to. So I can say I do because there’s really no chance in the near future. I would have to deal with the efforts of reconciliation.

    But unlike you I am slow to truthfully admit I am disgusted by the SSA. I have been lied to for so long, and can only question what our walk down the isle meant to him. To me it meant acceptance, security, a place to belong, a future of partnership and love. If he were to come to me and ask to come home, I’m not completely sure I could do it. I am more ashamed (as a “good” Christian woman) of the truth of that than anything. I look at pictures of him and just feel nothing. I am not faced with a husband who wants to stay, or work on a marriage that is broken in half. So to some degree I hide behind this prideful and good sounding idea of reconciliation saying I want to work it out, save my marriage. I have said many times to some close friends, I meant what I said, for better or worse. Like I said earlier, I can only say that with ease because he’s not here pitifully staring me in the face asking to remain married.

    I actually admire your honesty. If I were to be completely honest, I would say I am angry as I have ever been, and becoming bitter with every lie he tells and every court hearing I have to attend, and every week he doesn’t pay support. I want to write him off as a lying ****, if I were to be completely honest.

    Then I remember mercy. Grace. Then I begin to feel guilty, because of all the years I have spent in the pew. Then I remember that Jesus is supposed to be nearby. That it’s been drilled into my brain I am not alone. I begin to think about my own failings, my own secret sins that few people know about. Are they in the past? The the things I did before and even after I was saved. Don’t I want to accept they are as far as the east is from the west? Then I begin to soften. I know that my husband, if he seeks it is awarded the same forgiveness. But see I DON’T have a husband who wants to fix it, or who is even repentant, so many days I just dream about him being who he used to be. Who I thought he was.

    I honestly don’t know how I would handle him wanting to stay together. I don’t know if I could do it either. So I talk to God. Not the God who’s been painted by 25 years of good teaching and awesome worship music. But the God who who sees me lay on the bathroom floor and cry. The God who watches me push my plate away and scrape all my dinner down the disposal. The God who listens when I call my husband unkind names under my breath. The God who meets me right where I am.

    Val, you’re going to be okay. You may not be great for a long time. But I promise you’re going to be okay. Each of us have, if nothing else, an opportunity to pursue a very real Jesus in all of this. I can honestly say when my marriage was great, and we had lots of money, a big house, and a happy family before it all caved in, my faith was different, weaker. I half-heartedly believed in a happy-go-lucky God who handed out lollipops and grape soda. I felt pity for the poor people who were so foolish to not know such a good God. I was self serving, and spoiled in my faith. Now when I get up on the day my electric is going to be disconnected and ask God, okay if you see me then now’s the time to help me. I go to the bank and someone has deposited money into my account, even though no one knew my situation. I find a very real, close personal Father who sees me, one who cares if we are warm. I’m not saying God made all this happen in my marriage so I would know him better. But thankfully He isn’t disgusted by me, by my sin, by my brokeness, by my selfishness, by my disabled heart. I am willing to at least think about trying to be like Him towards my husband. I ask Him for the grace to be more like Him. I don’t know what will happen in my marriage. If my husband wants to reconcile, I hope that God is as near to me that moment as He is when I am lying on the floor sobbing. Val, I am glad you’re here.

  15. Val,
    It is so ironic that you feel that something is wrong with you because you want to leave. I have felt like there is something wrong with ME because because I have chosen to stay. You have every right to feel the way you do. I have fluctuated myself between leaving and staying. I, too, am repulsed by the actions of my spouse. There is NO shame on YOU, and you should not allow yourself to feel ANY guilt at wanting to make a break. WE should NOT feel ANY shame, guilt, self-doubt, etc. because of THEIR actions. It is NOT our fault; we did NOT choose this, and have no business second-guessing ourselves for whatever choice we feel necessary to make as a result of THEIR addictions and behaviors. There are several reasons that I have chosen to try to stay together with my husband. I have two young boys who love their dad. If we separated, the reason why would be all over our small town in the blink of an eye, and my oldest son would be devastated. In addition, I am only staying on the condition that he is seeking help for his problem. If he stops seeking recovery, or I believe that he has reverted back to old behaviors, I will kick him out of here so fast that he will never even see it coming. There is no physical intimacy between us right now. In the first place, he has made no move in that direction. In the second place, I feel I might throw up on him if he did. I am just not sure how I would react. Although I deeply ache and long for that need to be filled, I really don’t know how that is going to play out for us in the future, or if we even have a future.
    Take a deep breath, pray, and cut yourself some slack. The decison is ultimately between you and God. My prayers are with you.

  16. Renee,
    Thank you so much for your empathy and wisdom.
    I know none of my “sisters” here are judging me, I just feel so alone. Although my husband does want to reconcile, I just feel the damage is irreparable.
    Wondering if anyone else feels this way.

  17. Val,
    I’m glad you posted your thoughts and I so appreciate your honesty. That what we’re all about here! I think sometimes there is such a break in the bond of a relationship due to sexual sin and all the accompanying issues (lying, on-going addiction to porn, broken promises, unrepentant attitudes of disrespect and entitlement, etc.) that the wounded spouse feels there is no other alternative than to stop the bleeding and get out. Alot of women ask me “When is enough enough?!!” and that is a legitimate question. And just because we’re Christian women, it doesn’t mean we’re doormats.

    Married women have every right to expect their husband be faithful, and if he is not taking concrete steps to rebuild your trust and abstain from the behavior, then what is one to expect? The bond has been dishonored, and broken. In many of those cases both partners are unable to continue.

    I had to make that decision myself in my first marriage, and it was not my first choice, as you read above. It was gut-wrenching and hard, and I was always worried I’d be misunderstood by fellow Christians. But alot depends on what our husband’s decide, so in essence, if they choose to continue unnrepentant in thier sexual sin, then in many cases, they’ve made the choice for us.

    Anyway, Val, please don’t feel judged by us at WifeBoat. We know what you’re going through here. And I know we’ll be praying for the Lord to give you comfort, peace and insight as you face what to do next. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing. -R

  18. Okay. I have resisted posting on here as I have seen very few posts I can completely relate to. as if I don’t feel enough rejection. But don’t know where else to turn.

    Like so many, after 24 years of marriage, 3 kids, Christian leaders, blah blah blah, I discovered his SSA. I do appreciate that I am not alone in my devastation etc. however unlike most of you ladies, I do NOT desire reconciliation!

    Is there something wrong with me? Now in addition to all the pain, shame, etc. I feel guilty that I don’t want things to work out. It’s just gone on way too long and I no longer love or trust him, in fact I’m repulsed. This has changed me as a person so much.

    At least I have the Lord.

  19. Cary,

    My heart aches for you because your story is so similiar. My world fell apart 7 months ago. Your thoughts echo how I felt and sometimes still feel. I have started a journal…writing my thoughts down does help to keep me sane. I speak to God in my journal and ask for strength and dignity to work through this situation. Often just having a vehicle to express myself has helped to get through the day. Sometimes I just go to my room and write in the middle od the day. My journal listens to my feelings. There are few people you can talk to so a journal becomes your friend because you are taking to God. As time passes you can see your growth and setbacks. Writing to God just helps keep things in perspective and provides a release for me that allows me to see my growth because some days I have setbacks. Sometimes I just doodle pictures because ther are no words. My pastor told me the Holy Spirit is present even when you have no words to express your thoughts in prayer. Journalling helps to release your emotions so you can be calmer with your children. Sometimes I just write about what I did in the day or what I plan to do. Take care of yourself. Take a nap when you need it, exercise to release pent up energry. I often clean and wash walls. You are in my thoughts and prayers

  20. Dear Ladies,

    My finance told me before we started dating that he had struggled in the past with same sex attraction. He was molested when he was young, and he attributes his struggles with homosexuality to this event. We are able to talk openly about this past struggle; it has never been hidden from me.
    He is godly young man who daily seeks the Lord. Currently, he is seminary pursuing to enter the ministry as a pastor.
    As we are approaching marriage, I was wondering if there is any advice that you godly women could give me! It seems that there are so many books for people to overcome same sex attraction, but very few for “the other half.” Is there anything that I should prepare myself mentally and emotionally for?

    Thank you so much!
    Manndi

  21. Cary,
    I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through — that is so heartbreaking, and I know many of the women who read and contribute comments on this blog can relate with how you are feeling. I don’t know that you have done anything wrong and I am sorry that he was not honest with you about his struggles from the beginning of your relationship.

    You pose questions that many women ask when they find themselves in situations like this — but no, there isn’t anything you could have done. This is his issue, not yours, and it has nothing to do with you, how attractive you are or if you could have been better at anything. The problem is, you’re left with the pain over his issue! And that’s the hardest part. I hope you will continue to get support for yourself so you can continue taking care of yourself and your children. You have to think of yourself as just having going through a horrendous car accident and now you’re in the hospital in traction. You have to focus your energy on healing and recovery. But know this, with the Lord’s help and through support you will heal and it will get better. But it won’t be the same.

    I will be praying for you, and I hope you’ll stay in touch with us here at WifeBoat. We have support groups and resources becoming available in January, and I hope you’ll find something that will be of help to you as well. God Bless you and your children – the Lord loves you and will be with you! -R

  22. Renee,

    I have been reading through many of these postings. I am sitting here still in shock and utter disbelief that I even have a need to seek any help – 6 weeks ago I thought I had the best and happiest life and the most wonderful husband in the entire world. One day, out of the clear blue, with literally no warning signs, my husband sat down with me and said “We need to talk.”

    He told me he was leavning me, he was gay, and he was in a relationship with another man. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen a lawyer and layed out a payment plan and told me that I needed to get ready to get a job in 6 months. (I have stayed home with our 3 year old and 1 year old boys their entire lives, and planned to do so because we wanted many more children). He told me that after living in separate residences for a certain amount of time, the divorce would go through easily with or without my consent by the no fault divorce law. He packed everything he owned and left. He told me that he still planned to be an active and involved dad. He cried, told me I was a perfect wife and mother, and that I had done nothing wrong. He couldn’t “change who he truly was.” He was done with trying, he had been seeking help for 2 years privately to fight these feelings, and he was done fighting. I had NO idea, not even the slightest clue. We were so happy, so perfect – there was not a person who didn’t see us together as a couple or a family of 4 who didn’t comment on how happy or in love we were, or talk about how they wish they could have a marriage as wonderful as ours.

    I literally thought he was kidding. Are you KIDDING me? I must have asked him 100 times. Is this just a test to see how much I love you? Because I do love you, I told him. I didn’t kick him out, I didn’t ask him to leave, I begged him to stay. I told him I would do anything to help him, anything to work through this. I told him we could live a chaste marriage in separate bedrooms if need be. I told him I would go to marriage counseling, offered him tons of options/programs for support and to help him reform this. He denied me. Over and over and over. He has no interest in reconciliation, and is making my life as miserable as he can now trying to turn this around and blame me for his choices and actions. Telling me that I put too much pressure on him and that didn’t help him at all. He has gone from my best friend, love of my life, soul mate to a man that I don’t even know who won’t even look at me or speak to without breaking my heart with all the nasty words coming from his mouth. I don’t recognize him. I wish he had died, that would be easier to deal with than seeing the loving, kind and gentle soul I knew turn to this evil condescending and cruel shell of a man that I have seen these past few weeks.

    I have done nothing but be forgiving and loving towards my husband. I don’t know what else to be. I love him. I have had such rought times in my life, deep suffering and struggling through many personal issues and problems, and after God healed me, I thought He had finally given me a break and I had found so much happiness the past 6 years of knowing my husband and the past 4 years that we have been married. I gave him 100% of myself, everything and anything, and I trusted him and gave him my entire heart. He was the first person I trusted, truly trusted with my whole entire self. And he has completely broken me.

    What do I even do? Where do I even go? I keep on going, for my 2 kids. I wake up every day, I keep their little innocent lives as normal and happy as I possibly can for their sakes. I go through the motions of the day, I wear my wedding ring. I began counseling with a trusted Catholic Christian counselor, I have spoken with priests, Christian counselors with Regeneration, Exodus International, Focus on the Family, and I have a lawyer handling all the legal things that have come up. But what do I do? At the end of the day, in the quiet of the house, when the kids are finally asleep and I am alone, what do I do? I have spent weeks waiting for my husband to come back, come home and tell me that he is sorry and he made a mistake. He is not coming back, he is trying to proceed legally as quickly as possible, and won’t even speak with me hardly at all except regarding the kids. How am I supposed to be his wife when he won’t let me? How can I love him when he rejects it? Is it wrong that I am beginning to accept or believe that our marriage is over? I have strong beliefs that marriage is forever if both parties are willing to work through problems – but i am the only one willing, and yet I have done nothing. And have I really done nothing? Could I have done something? Could I have done anything different? I have just about accepted that our marriage may not have a chance, but I still have hope for his soul, that someday he will come around. But our marriage… how do I survive from this?

    Thank you, I am sorry to have so many questions and I don’t expect you to have the answers. They are questions that will probably never be answered, I am just searching, somewhere, anywhere and hoping that each morning when I wake up that I will feel a little bit of peace, or some hope. Thank you for your time, and I appreciate any advice, support, words of wisdom, encourgagement, anything insight at all.

  23. LA,
    Thanks for your comments and I’m glad you’ve found us. I hope WifeBoat can be a resource for you as you sort through the things that are now confronting your marriage.

    In every crisis, there is an opportunity, so I think your learning of your husband’s struggle is a way of God bringing this to the light so that it can be dealt with and so that He can provide a avenue of healing. He desires that we be free and walk in the light! I think you instinctively expressed a sense that if this isn’t dealt with properly it could derail God’s purposes for you, your husband and your family; so I would pay attention to that. You and your husband can choose to try and deal with this yourselves, but this isn’t typically something that works and can often set up a system in your marriage that is unhealthy.

    Thankfully, there are many more resources available to the Christian community now than ever. I would strongly suggest that you and your husband get information on how to handle this from a Bibically-based and specialized perspective, and do so as soon as possible. If your husband is willing, there are confidential Christian resources available for education and for counseling, and I would strongly suggest you get some sort of support for yourself. My husband’s book Desires In Conflict is a great place to start, and I’d encourage you to look into the phone counseling. There are support groups and ministries through Exodus International, so I’d encourage you to visit their website as well. WifeBoat will have ongoing support groups through next year, so please check back with us on those.

    God bless you and your husband as you seek our what your next steps should be, and please stay in touch. -R

  24. Hey Renee – I just came across this website and have been looking for something like this. My situation can be a little tricky because, you see, my husband is a music minister in a baptist church and just told me about 2 months ago that he struggles with homosexual thoughts and has for a while. There isn’t really anyone I can exactly talk to in my normal circles because I believe that it would continue to give Satan a foothold and use it to destroy our ministry if it got out that he was struggling with this. I believe with all my heart that he is a child of God and that this situation hurts him too. He just keeps asking why. I have considered asking him if he would consider your husband’s phone counseling sessions. I know my husband would rather talk to someone that has been through something like this and can actually empathize with him than someone that can just sympathize.

    We have two children and I truly (and neither does he) believe that divorce is NOT an option for us. I believe that God called me to be his “suitable helper” (Genesis 2:18) and that He has a divine plan for us. In saying that, I also have to say that this hurts deeper than anything I could have ever imagined!!! I love my husband sooooo much and I know he loves me too and I am just looking for some encouragement because I do feel so alone in this. Even through all of this, I have already seen God at work in my life and He has revealed himself to me on many occasions. We serve an awesome and mighty God!!!!! Thanks again for the blog and for any words of encouragement that you or any of your readers can offer.

  25. I stumbled onto this website and think it may be a lifeline for me right now. I married my husband knowing that he had a past – was molested as a child and chose a homosexual lifestyle for a time. He led me to believe that God had completely delivered him, although he still struggled with thoughts of the past. He recently told me that after 4 1/2 years of marriage, he doesn’t want to fight anymore – doesn’t want to try to overcome those thoughts and feelings. He tells me almost every day that he is going to leave me to protect me, that I will hurt for a little while but eventually get over it and heal.
    He has also developed a friendship this summer with a much younger guy, and I struggle with knowing whether that’s the key. They text almost non-stop, and I have been very uncomfortable with it, even telling him so. He now tries to hide the fact that they still communicate, deleting texts even though it shows up on my phone records how often they talk.
    I am so confused and hurt. Right now he is with me, but I wonder every day if it’s going to be the day he leaves or the day God finally delivers him. All the while, I am trying to hold together the worship ministry that we used to do for our church together.
    I’m lonely, frustrated, and heartbroken, and I guess I’m just reaching out for something or someone. I could use some encouragement.

  26. Cathy,
    Thanks for posting here. It is hard to feel like you can’t get to the truth, isn’t it? It’s crazy-making. You certainly are dealing with alot. Yet, it sounds like you are trying to set and keep boundaries and keep yourself from further damages, and I admire that you can continue in spite of all this. I don’t know if it will help or not, but please take a look at my WifeBoat Just for Today list–perhaps this will give you a few ideas of things to do that will help. The idea is to pick just one of them and just do it one day, and that will give your something else to focus on.

    I’ll be keeping you in prayer – please let us all know how you’re doing. -R

  27. I am just so sad and lonely. He was my best friend and I am his best friend. I know he misses me as much as I miss him but for 2 years this went on. He moved out and made it all my fault. Then I discovered so many answers on the computer in a 48 hours period. After saving emails,etc on an USB drive and emailing him the bits of information, he is now talking to our pastor and will meet with us to tell me the truth. This only occurred through threatening to expose him. I am not proud of that action but I need to know and stop guessing. I thought I was giving him the freedom to make a living for us. He has been so stressed. I thought he was struggling with depression and I was always asking if everything was ok. Walking on eggshells so to speak. Relieved when he was in a good mood and concerned when he was withdrawn. Now I know he hasn’t been working, he’s been meeting other men. I can’t even stop to reflect about myself as a woman or wife; I am in survival mode worried about our future and that of my daughters. Trying to work at a new job, provide a stable home for my daughters, keep up a home, provide rides to dance classes, soccer, and a million other things. He is finally talking to me like I am not the enemy only because of my threats. Little does he know I wouldn’t tell others because it would hurt him and more importantly my children. I am trying to think before I act. But I did seek a consultation from a lawyer. I do not know what I am expecting after he tells me the truth. I am hoping for an ability to communicate without his blaming me and refusing to talk. I can’t stay married to him but I do love and miss him. For the moment I am on hold so to speak and taking this one day at a time. I am so worried about our finanicial state which is why we need to be able to talk to each other. I have a doctor’s appointment soon to see if there are any other surprises from him. I never understood the phrase heart-broken until the last 6 weeks. Yet, I can still function, laugh with my children and others, and work. I try to coach my children through their relationship with their father. He has been so angry with my oldest daughter because she won’t talk to him. Yet, look at everything he has done. She is respectful just silent. My thoughts are everywhere at once. I try to find some restful thoughts to concentrate. My head pounds all day long.

  28. Robert,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure many people who read it will be greatly encouraged. And yes, the things that happen to us, although many wouldn’t define as “normal”, God uses to mold us into the likeness of Jesus. Who else better? He Himself was acquainted with grief and rejected, His mission misunderstood. He understands like no other. But there is no other that loves and redeems and restores–and we get the privilege of being part of His mission of reconcilliation. First, reconciling the world to Himself, and then us to one other.

    Thank you for your kind words. God bless you and your ministry. Wonderful to hear from you!-R

  29. Renee,

    greetings from Germany and congratulations for the decision to set up that ministry. There definitely is a need for that.
    Being one of those “not so normal” men myself (with a similar story than Joe), it took me decades to come back to the Lord, who has been waiting for me patiently during all those years. I now run an international ex-gay ministry called JASON myself (affiliated to Homosexuals Anonymous) and am deeply thankful that the Lord allows and enables me to do that.
    As I said – I sure ain’t “normal”, but all in all I don’t see my life as all bad. It has led me to the point where I am at right now and shaped me into the Christian man that now reaches out to others, as he has experienced himself what it means to be desperately in need for God’s love while turning one’s face away from Him. What it means to have Christian friends and a Church that still love me with an unconditional love – no matter what was before. What it means to have your life saved and come back into His loving arms.
    Please keep up the good work, Renee. Your story touched me a lot and I trust you will be a blessing for so many out there. If there is anything I can do for you, feel free to let me know.
    God bless,
    Robert

  30. Mary Lynn,
    I am so sorry to hear about what’s happened to you and your family because of your husband’s betrayal. But I have to be honest with you about this–what you are allowing him to do now seems only to be prolonging the wounding of everyone involved.

    First, he is a married man. He is no longer married to you and that was his choice. He has no right to come back into your life and say that he still loves you and even cause you to think he may come back to you. He has chosen to create another life with another woman–if he is experiencing regrets, that is a consequence of his own actions. He is doing to his current wife what he did to you and he sounds like a very,very confused man.

    You cannot continue to enable his dishonest behavior and expect to be a good role model for your kids. You risk losing their respect. You must make a clean break from him, and keep the boundaries drawn. Given the difficulty you have had setting boundaries with your now ex-and-married-to-someone-else-husband, I would highly recommend going to a professional Christian counselor to help you sort this out and keep you accountable. If you truly want to heal you must do this.

    It is understandable that he would want to be involved in his children’s lives and he should be, but that doesn’t mean he has to be involved in your life and prolong a fantasy that what he did didn’t matter. It did matter and by keeping boundaries you will let him know it did.

    I know you’re hurting and this may be very hard to hear. In fact, I was curious about your statement that other counselors haven’t given you something to hold onto. Possibly because that’s because their advice was unclear. But could it also be that they told you something that was hard to hear, similar to what I’m telling you now? Just a thought. When someone betrays you there is no easy way to get over it. But the Lord will help you — please come to him in truth and allow Him to help you through this with the help of godly, Biblical counsel. Please let us know how you’re doing–God grant you understanding and wisdom as you seek Him on this. -R

  31. mary lynn shelton says:

    Renee,

    My story begins seven years ago and I feel I have made many mistakes. I was married to my husband for 23 years and we have two grown sons. My story follows the path of many others. The long and short of it is my exhusband chose to leave our marriage and married his affair partner. My world was rocked to the core. My boys are continuing to bear the emotional and spiritual scars their dad inflicted on us by his betrayal.
    With this said, I gave him no real boundries and continued to love him. My problem is I have never stopped loving him and feel in my heart that he will come home at some point. This flies against everything he has done in our relationship and our family life. I can only believe that God has placed this in my heart and I must rely on him to weave through a tangled mess.
    My ex married his affair partner and lives with her now. He attends her church and she is active in church activities, but he is also very much attached to us and to me. It is as if he lives two lives. One with her and one with us. She is never mentioned and will never be included in any family occasion. So far one of my sons has graduated from college, married, and had his first baby. My ex has been their for everything and is very involved with all of us..He tells me he loves me to this day. We have gone to two very good Christian counselors and they have not been able to offer anything concrete that stuck with us. I am writing this blog wondering if anyone else has an ex husband that still wants to be a part of the family and says he still loves his ex wife, but who lives with affair partner.

  32. I am so glad I found this blog! Thank you to all who contribute to it. My husband (who was a Christian when we were first married) has strayed from the faith and is now considering ending our marriage. My question is; if he decides he wants to stay and work on our marriage is it even a good idea since he’s not in a right relationship with God? My desire is to preserve our marriage because I love him and believe God calls us to honor our marriages. But I’m almost afraid of him saying yes because of his spiritual condition. PS We don’t have kids and there isn’t another woman in the picture.

  33. Bonnie,
    You sound pretty angry at a betrayal that’s obviously happened to you or someone close to you. You haven’t shared anything specific about yourself, only seem to be venting. (Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate venting, I’m Italian!)

    Yes, we need to pay attention to our God-given intuition, but many of us grew up learning to do otherwise, so we’re all in a different place there. Yes, Jesus was not a wimp, but you’ll also remember He could have called down legions of angels to help Him, but willingly submitted to the cross for a higher purpose. I’m not saying we are supposed to put up with betrayal like doormats, because we’re not. But sometimes other issues bear consideration and we have work through them thoughtfully. Many women have families, finances, careers to consider, so when they go through something like a betrayal they don’t want to act out of their anger. They want to do the things that will build up thier lives and not tear down. It does no good to make rash decisions out of anger.

    And, it would help if more women felt safe to talk to each other about betrayal and get support. That’s how we can overcome. But getting militant about it… well… while it may tempting once in awhile, it’s not the best idea. As it says in the book of James, “The wrath of men [women] does not accomplish the purposes of God”. As we rely on God and trust Him, He will help us work this thing through with dignity, and peace, with the end result being a better life and relationship with Him. And that’s the real goal.

    So, Bonnie, hope to hear back from you if we can be a source of help in any way. Love ya. -R

  34. I say Jesus wasn’t a wimp.. and he didn’t let people take advantage of him… Yes He was betrayed… and what a revelation … He knew that Judas would do that… do any of you “know” that a man will do that.. the signs are there.. we have forgotten to use our intutitive selves… we don’t try what we feel… but I believe that GOD made us that way to protect us.. yet we ignore what is obviously right there… isn’t it about time that women that have been betrayed rally and call, email, text whatever that the person we most loved and trusted is not that person at all. It is only when we unite can we overcome!

  35. Tammy, How are you now ….i just found this site a few days ago ….I understand your exhaustion. ,,,I have been married 24 years and a few weeks before our 7th he sprung this news on me about his struggle ….Gods grace and understanding fell on me like a blanket…and since then many other times aswell as I would find out of different failures on his part to stay faithful to me and the covenant that he’d broken many times !…why do we stay ? God has given me a definant peace about the future no matter what he choses,,,but if there is a next time …it will be just me and God and our 2 children…who are now 18 & 20 )..and questions….i will pray for clarity from the Holy Spirit for you!
    kathy

  36. I’m glad to find this blog, Renee. I have been married for 25 years but have been dealing with my husband’s homosexual “tendencies” for over 20 of those years. We’ve had lots of seasons in that time where he has looked at gay porn and then isn’t able to be intimate with me. It hurts horribly everytime but I’ve always forgiven and loved and let life go on. Well, it’s happened again and I’m completely exhausted with this process. I’m not so sure I want to pursue “fixing” this again. I have forgiven him again this time and still love him, but I really don’t think I can lay my heart out there anymore knowing he will tromp all over it again…it may be in a few months or it maybe a few years from now, but I know it will happen again. We have a teen daughter at home who has no idea and I hate to upset her world by leaving her daddy, but I just don’t think I can keep going on. I really want to just run away. I am finally in counseling for this but I’m so numb and worn out. Thanks for your blog and a place to vent. I have some a few good prayer warrior friends who help but they don’t truly understand.

  37. Catherine:
    I hope you are doing ok and that you are able to find some relief in your situation. I am so sorry to hear of your grief! I know how heartbreaking this must be for you.

    The first thing to do is to get some help for yourself–someone who can help you sort out your situation and to help you get through your pain. You mentioned that you spoke to a friend, but it didn’t seem like it went the way you had hoped.

    You’ll need help to determine a few things: if your husband wants to stay in your marriage, under what terms will you accept it? I’m concerned about this because of what you said – it sounds like he is angry and is taking some of that anger out on you. You and he will have to work this out, because it’s not right that you are getting all the anger taken out on you for something that he is responsible for.

    So, please contact your pastor or a Christian counselor to get help with this; or try the women’s ministry at your church. If you can’t find a place that feels safe to you, you can also try contacting my husband’s office at to see if phone counseling would be a good option for you. Here’s the link:Genesis Counseling

    Please contact us again here and let us know how you’re doing. We’ll be praying for you. -R

  38. Catherine says:

    Hi l just discovered that my husband is homosexual he say bi by the way and that we can still have a marriage he is very hatefull towards women and calls me stupid and bitch etc l found out two days ago and have been crying like a baby ever since but l love him and l know it is possible for deliverance for him if he so chooses the pain is so so so so so horrible its so so sore l told my one lady friend but she doesnt seem to have taken well tothe newa and so l am so happy that have found u or rather God has

  39. Wendi:
    I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I’m sure this is a devestating and confusing time in your life, and more than ever you’re needing God’s guidance and comfort. But what to do?

    First, you didn’t mention whether or not you have children. That will factor into your decisions. You also didn’t mention what your husband himself says about your marriage. Does he want to end it? Does he want to see a counselor? Is he even communicating with you at this point? I noticed you just found out nearly 4 months after he left. How did you find out? It’s not clear to me what his intentions are, and that has alot to do with the decisions you need to make.

    If he’s willing to see a counselor with you, then make an appointment as soon as possible to determine whether or not he’s willing to work on your marriage, and under what terms the two of you can do so. If he’s not interested in this, then please make an appointment for yourself, to deal with your own pain, and to sort out your options. Because if he is unwilling to work this out with you, you need to take care of yourself financially and emotionally, prayerfully consider your own future.

    I was concerned when you said you didn’t know where to turn — I hope you have some good friends that you feel safe sharing your life with. This is a time when you’ll need comfort and support. Please seek those friends out, and any pastoral care that is available to you. I hope to be starting an online support group within the next few months, so I will notify everyone on this website when that is available. But in the meantime, please seek your friends out and stay in touch with us here to let us know how you’re doing. God Bless. -R

  40. My husband of 7 years left me in October, and I confirmed what I believed yesterday: it was to be in a homosexual relationship! I am SO hurt, most of all, and don’t know where to go. For the last 4 months, I have been praying for restoration of my marriage- now what? Should I just call it quits? He is living with the other man, and I don’t know how to handle this. PLease help me….

  41. Vanessa,
    I think you really nailed what women go through when you called it “this wretched pain”. It is frustrating, confusing and hard to know who you are when things like this happen. All the things you assumed about yourself, your abilities and your relationships are turned on their head. I’m feelin’ it, girl.

    You have been stunned by his behavior, but please realize that there’s nothing wrong with you for not knowing what your husband was doing. This type of sin thrives on secrecy, and many people who engage in it are experts at keeping secrets. I understand how you feel, though. I asked those same questions of myself. Am I really a woman? How can I compare to those fantasy images, phantom women who have no names? I can’t, because I’m a real woman.

    Real women have feelings, emotions and hurts. Hurts take time to heal. If your husband is in counseling and taking action, then he is working on building up trust with you again. But now, you need to work on yourself. You’re still coming out of shock, so give yourself a break… take some time for yourself. I suggest you print out my The WifeBoat Just for Today List — read it and incorporate something every day. It will help you get some perspective and gradually you’ll get some normal feeling coming back. And your kids… make sure they know how much you love them and concentrate on the moment with them; it will reward you. “Today is a gift, that’s why the call it The Present”

    Lastly, how do you get this out of your head and into your heart? The opposite of fear is love – bathe yourself in worship music and songs of praise. You’ll begin to feel God’s presence and love penetrate your heart and bring you the comfort only He can bring. He is the Lover of Your Soul and in His presence is fullness of joy! Joy is not a “head thing”, it’s definitely a “heart thing”!

    Vanessa, I will be thinking of you this week, and praying for you. I’m glad you’re in counseling and getting some support. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. Please check back and let us know how you’re doing. -R

  42. Thank you for this blog. Stacia, thank you for your post. I’m sad that I can relate to your pain. Sad that we are both in this place. But grateful someone else is there with me! I’m 3 months into this wretched pain. I’ve been beating myself up over the question, “How did I not know? How did I not see it? Was I ignoring the signs of betrayal?” “What’s wrong with me that my husband would go there?” Porn use during our entire marrriage (13 years) plus 3 affairs. How could I have been so blind?? So thank you for the first question here. No, I can’t out prophesy Elijah. Good point! And what do I do now? My husband is repentant, in counseling (so am I), claims sobriety for 3 months. He doesn’t want to leave. He wants to work it out. But I’m so hurt and angry! I think I should feel grateful for his trying, but how do I just turn around like everything is ok? I hardly have the energy to care for my children. I have so much hurt and fear. And my head knowledge recites verses over and over every day. But how do I translate it to my heart??

  43. Eva, Stacia and All:
    I am so appreciative of what you have shared and my heart goes out to you. It reminds me of the man in pain who came to Jesus and said, “Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief”. And I have no doubt He will help you as you pray that prayer to Him!

    A few other things came to mind as well, which I think are practical things to consider:
    First, we have to decide for ourselves what is unacceptable in what our husbands are doing, set boundaries and follow through. Secondly, we should work on building up and stregthening both our own faith and our own identities as individuals. Doing these things will help move us from fear and uncertainty to more faith and control in our situations.

    Next week I’ll elaborate more in a post, but for now I recommend two resources: the books “Boundaries” and “Boundaries in Marriage” (please see WifeBoat Store) and the invaluable study on faith by Beth Moore, “Believing God”. You can find the link to it on this site. Please take a look and let me know what you think.

    Does anyone have thoughts to add to the discussion? -R

  44. Ginger & Stacia
    Thank you for commenting and sharing your heart.
    I have found this struggle has really rocked my world but the hardest is the spiritual part of it. As I read your posts I wanted to give you encouragement and tell you to press on and Keep looking up and not at your husband and tell you to believe in God to restore your husband/marriage. This surprises me because I have trouble believing these things for myself but so believe them for you! It clearly shows I have a trust issue with God that needs to be worked out.
    I wish I had answers – I wish I could wipe out the pain- I wish I could say something that would change things for you, for me, for our husbands…. we can only pray.

  45. Eva i can relate… oh how i wish i didn’t know the pain of it .. the anger and the frustration… my husband has been addicted to porn for our entire married life(+15 years) and before … if i had only known..??? and he’s a strong christian, knows better and says he wants freedom .. yet here we go again.. never able to trust.. just waiting for the next “slip up” wondering why it hurts so much and then what i do with the hurt of his choosing.. some bimbo over us.
    I feel numb after his last “confession” .. my asking…. wondering if this is as good as it will ever be.. if the freedom he expects God to hand him will ever show up .. and even then my own healing of damaged heart, spirit , soul ..
    I miss my bestfriend yet am still so angry at my lover

  46. Ginger Haan says:

    Hi Renee,
    You’re a breath of fresh air. I’ve referred a couple women to your site and will continue doing so. Having worked with wives in a group setting, I know we can truly help one another with our own stories and with encouragement and prayer.

    Eva, dear, I feel your pain. My ‘ordeal’ lasted 7 years – from the time I found out about my husband’s unfaithfulness until the day he came home (after a 2-year separation). However, it was a long walk for our family – overcoming many obstacles, waiting for God to work in our sons’ lives. Nothing would be the same again. But, God because my closest friend, my everything during that 7-year period. I grew to the point of truth that I knew without doubt that Don would come home someday. However, God had given me a promise from the outset and I had to hold on to that promise. May His still small voice encourage you today that He will not leave you no matter what the outcome.

  47. Dear Renee:

    After reading your story and checking out some of your links, I want to tell you what a wonderful job you’ve done! Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. In doing so, you have brought truth and an honest approach to dealing with so painful a situation. I love your questions, and your sensible answers. I know the Lord will richly bless your endeavor. I have a friend who I think will benefit from your blog.

  48. Eva, this is where the rubber meets the road. It’s one thing to believe a doctrine, and another to apply it to our situation. But in the end, I know God comforts us and give us greater ability to wait while He finishes what He began in us, and in our marriages. As for the “does anyone relate to this?” question, I’m sure plenty of us do. Anybody have any words of encouragement for Eva? I’d love to hear more of your stories, ladies! -R

  49. Lori (Penn) Kinder says:

    My dear friend – I vividly remember those difficult times and know that God allowed them to shape you into the amazing, spiritual leader you have become. Although our paths are not easy, we know that He has ordained it as we learn to lean on and trust in him completely. I look forward to reading many more of life’s lessons He has taught you.

  50. I have been waiting for this blog to be up and running for so long! I pray this will be a safe place to land when life gets to be too much. I have been in the battle for 10 years with my husband. I have been in the desert and God is bringing me home now. I struggle with believing God to redeem my marriage. I know God is bigger. It is difficult to see Him bigger for Me. Anyone understand that??? Can anyone relate?

  51. Donna Earnheart says:

    Renee, I have enjoyed purusing your website. May God give you wisdom and discernment as you reach out in this area. I hope many lives are touched for the good.

  52. I was so glad to see your comments here, and to have you share a little of your own journeys. And God is good, even when you can only see one step ahead, He will lead you and He is faithful. Thanks for joining in the discussion. I”ll be posting again in a day or so. -R

  53. Thank you for sharing your story of pain AND healing! Your honesty will reach out to those who are hurting and give hope. At the time that I was searching for answers it seemed like the resources for answers were few and far between. I was just searching for ANYONE who understood how I felt, anyone who could give me godly advise. Thankfully, no matter how alone I felt, God was there carrying me, and filling me with hope. I saw that you recommend Beth Moore’s “Believing God” study & I absolutely agree! That 10 week study was instrumental in leading me into an even deeper personal relationship with God than I could have ever imagined. I will be looking forward to your future posts and hopefully some good discussions.

  54. Knowing my own story, a friend told me about the website. I’m so glad you are doing this for the thousands of women who have been betrayed by their spouse!
    My husband was counseled by Joe and I believe my husband is better for it. But what about me? It has been two and a half years since the “revelation.” I am still married but find it very hard to not be bitter. We went to marraige counseling for a year. I still have issues dealing with this. I want to be happy. I want to love him like God loves him. But, of course, every once in a while I’ll ask myself most of the questions you just listed. Again, I am so thankful for you taking the time to do this & am eager to read more on this website. Thank You!

  55. Another really good article. I laughed out loud with “Are there any normal men out there?” I know I am not :).

    I pray women find your blog and are encouraged and comforted.

Trackbacks

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