The Faces Behind the Issues
Here in California, we’re in the middle of a huge and heartbreaking controversy over Proposition 8, the marriage amendment that essentially banned same-sex marriage in this state. Amidst all the political upheaval, people often forget the faces behind the issues: many of those faces belong to women who are trying to cope with the revelation that their husband is homosexual. And though the Christian worldview on homosexuality differs from that of our culture, it does not necessarily grant immunity from the issue hitting Christian marriages.
Because of my own husband’s work over the years, I’ve known so many women in this position. I’ve wept and prayed and walked alongside them. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. So I’d like to offer some thoughts.
What do you do if your husband says “I’m gay”?
1. Much will depend on how your husband feels about homosexuality, and about your marriage. Does he view homosexuality as legitimate, or as a tendency to be resisted? Is he considering leaving your marriage, or is he committed to staying with you and learning to deal with his feelings for other men? Is he at the very least willing to stay faithful to you despite his homosexuality, or is he considering “coming out” and declaring himself gay? These are questions you need to ask; the sooner the better.
2. Remember the difference between a homosexual orientation (inner attractions to men) versus homosexual behavior (sexual contact with men or viewing of homosexual pornography) If his orientation is homosexual, that’s a completely involuntary condition which he didn’t choose, nor can he choose to simply “change” it. In short, it’s not his fault. If, on the other hand, he’s engaged in homosexual behavior, that is indeed a choice, one that he’s morally responsible for. Either way, neither his orientation nor his behavior are a reflection on you, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent or cause either of them.
3. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken at this point. These steps should include:
(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address your options as a couple, depending on what your husband chooses to do about his sexuality.
(b) A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your own counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re dealing with this.
4. If your husband has been sexually active consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
5. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions (jumping into divorce court; demanding he leave the home; etc.) Work with a counselor or pastor to determine the best courses of action, and don’t let yourself make a quick, poorly thought through decision.
Key Verse
“For I know the thoughts that I have towards you, says the Lord.
Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Resources
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
When Homosexuality Hit’s Home by Joe Dallas
The Truth Comes Out by Nancy Heche
Genesis Counseling 2-Day Intensives – Men and Couples
Mae, go to Renee’s article “Live Boldly in Tough Times.” In her post (#13) she talks about starting an online support group for wives, in August.
I too would like to know about the support group. Other than my counselor and my husband I have no one to talk to and at times it is very lonely. Yesterday when I saw my counselor we discussed some hurts that have lasted 23 years. I’m realizing that my husbands sin was interwoven into our marriage in so many ways. The realization is freeing in some ways and devastating in others. Sometimes when I see my counselor it is like removing the dressing from a wound. It is necessary for healing but it opens it up all over again. I shared these hurts with my husband and even though he was the cause I can’t help but feel bad. He is very remorseful and working on recovery. I still struggle with feeling responsible for the way he feels. This weekend we have out of town relatives coming. I just want to run and hide but I can’t. Thanks for giving me a place to share my heart.
What is the online group arriving in August?
Hello. Unfortunately, I am on this website. I don’t even want to be writing this. My fairy tale is over, and so here goes.
My husband and I were 16, high school sweethearts,when we first started dating. We have been married for 18 years, together over 25 years, and have 2 beautiful kids, 10 and 7. I am 41 now, only to discover on lucky St. Patrick’s Day, that my husband has been leading a double life.
My husband had been viewing all kinds of porn throughout our marriage, and for the last 1 1/2 he has been viewing gay porn, and created a web page on a gay web site to get more “real” pictures and said he liked being wanted by these people even if they were gay men. He said he never acted out physically with these men, and never masterbated to the porn. He said he would take it as far as they would stand without acting out physically. Crazy???????? He keeps saying he is not gay and never wanted to have sex with these guys, and supposedly didnt, but this was the quickest way to get acceptance from men.
My husband was sexually abused as a kid, and he told me right after we got married, but I thought it was just once (almost 3 years by one of his dad’s friends), but he didn’t ever want to talk about it. I just thought it was sad but just let it go because I thought he did. I never knew the full extent of the abuse until now. Yikes! It’s all so sad. So I have learned a lot about addictions in the last month due to child sex abuse, and that the addictions can be sexual, emotional, food, or even drug additions. I have learned way more than I ever wanted to about the dark side of abuse in someone’s past and how it can affect them.
But in understanding why my husband did what he did, does that make it any better for me? I know it doesn’t excuse his behavior, I need to set boundaries, yadda yadda yadda, but what about me and my self worth? Am I to take one for the team? My religion tells me that I need to stay in my marriage- for better or worse, yet how much worse could this get?????? My husband is extremely remorseful that I can tell, going to counseling, group sessions, bible studies, but he has been a liar our whole marriage so what do I believe? I want to give this to God, but my mind keeps telling me that “man’s free will” will also be a part of this outcome as well. How can I trust my husband’s free will to choose to do the right thing? What about my children? I’m trying to get comfort from God, but I have cried everyday for the past 63 days and still cry daily (today included) and feel like this “little light of mine” is slowly fading away.
Can you ever really get past sexual betrayal? If I try to be intimate with him again, will the images of betrayal pop in my head, and what do I do? Or is it always going to be there, hiding in the background, as a deep dark secret, to haunt me? I have already had nightmare’s about homesexual sex. It’s not fair. Not only do I have to worry about him being faithful to me in a heterosexual way, but also homosexually. He hates when I say that, as he cant bring himself to say that he cheated on me WITH MEN in any capacity. In any case, I feel like crap, like the meanie, that I still struggle with these sinful acts that have root causes. It makes sense, that it’s like getting brain washed as a kid, but why do I have to live it? My testimony is now tainted with his sin. Sorry having a bad week….
I just keep thinking, if he had time to put on a condom, he had time to remain faithful….
Thank you, Renee. I have no words to express how much this blog has blessed me. Although I am sincerely saddened for all the pain these women are battling, what a comfort to be able to receive encouragement, and to know that I am not alone.
Be assured that I am eagerly anticipating the August arrival of your online group, and will be one of the very first to jump onboard.
May God continue to bless your work in this area, and give you wisdom and guidance in all your endeavors to lovingly and purposely aid wives wounded by sexual addiction. You are a treasure.
Sonya,
What a journey you have been on, and I feel very honored that you have shared your thoughts and process here on this blog. You are a very thoughtful person, and you’ve shared in a way that many other women can be helped.
I am so sorry for where you are today, and at the same time, I can tell you are strong. I know the Lord will continue to guide you, and I’ll be keeping you and your family in prayer, especially for this next week. -R
Paula:
I am so sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through. And I empathize because this process can be so discouraging at times. I wish “healing” would always come quickly; more often than not it’s a process of understanding, commitment, faith and perserverance. I’ve seen many people get victory in difficult areas in thier lives, but most often it’s been a process they’ve had to walk through, some longer than others.
People have looked into alternative views of scripture to try to find some resolution to thier struggles with homosexuality, but I think for a believer, this can be damaging. My husband has written a book about this which I’d recommend very strongly to you and your husband. Please look into reading about what the Bible says and the claims of this alternate theology; it will help you in your resolve to follow Christ. Please check out The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible. I’d like to know what you and your husband think of it. I’d also recommend he get Desires In Conflict because this will help him in knowing what the process looks like from someone who’s been there.
May God encourage you both, by His grace give you faith to seek Him, and grant you insight and wisdom. I pray God’s blessing on your kids and family. Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing. -R
How do people who don’t know God endure such trials as ours? Everyday, He gives me the strength to get up, get dressed, take care of my kids, function, and put one foot in front of the other. He is also providing me with the necessary courage that I never thought I would ever need. What a great God I serve!
Next week, I am filing for legal separation from my husband. He has no idea. Some days, I look at him and feel the love that I had for him in the early years. It just sweeps over my whole body and I think …for just a minute…that I should wait to take any legal action….Maybe it will get better. Maybe he will sincerely seek the help he so desperately needs and our family will be whole. Other days, I look at him and want to vomit. Anger floods over me, sadness wraps around me, and I just want him to get out and stay out…. he can’t leave fast enough to suit me.
I am terrified. Although I have no doubt that God will take care of me and my children, I am terrified. It is with sorrow and pain that I take this step, but those are emotions that have come to be my constant companions over the last several months, anyway. They are not strangers to me. This course of action will lead me to a revelation of my husband’s intent. If he is broken, and with all his heart, soul, and mind wants help, we will see what happens. I will continue with the separation, but hold off on a divorce as long as he is in ACTIVE recovery. If he isn’t broken, and does not seek help, I will know to pursue a more final step.
I am not suggesting that everyone in this type of situation needs to leave their husbands. I can only speak for myself. In my opinion, this is the only choice that I can make at this time. Continuing in a relationship that does not glorify God, that isn’t what He directed and desires for marriage, that has no affection, is fraught with infidelity and addiction, and is one-sided, is not right. My boys don’t need to see my husband as a role model for how to be a spouse or father. They deserve something so much better. They also need to see a mom and a wife who loves God, them, and herself enough to hold their father responsible for his actions and choices. In me, they need to see the wife and mother they want for their own families. It’s time for me to step up.
Ladies, I continue to pray for you all every night. Sweet dreams, and blessings on each of you as you seek God’s will and guidance for yourselves.
Hi- for almost two years now my husband and i have lived in the same house, raising our children, and trying to figure out what to do with his being gay. he went to exodus and tried other ministries to “change.” it didn’t happen. now he is seeking advice from denominations that believe scripture is not absolute, but many things are cultural, like homosexuality. wow, what do i do with that? i have great compassion for him, b/c i know he’s tried to change and find healing to no avail. he’s tormented with who he is, not aligning with the theology he has always known. do any of you have that experience with your husband? God has brought me a long way, but i’m still very hurt and he is too. we have two kids that adore him, and they should, he’s a great dad. i feel very un-hopeful b/c he is so despairing that nothing will heal us or him–it’s how God made him. yet he stays with us, for which i’m thankful. the kicker is we love each other and both profess it. he told me last night how much he hates how this hurts me. it does. if he was a butt head, it would be so easy to kick him out and move on with God. but b/c he isn’t horrible to us, the confusion and hurt it would cause the girls is something i can’t comprehend. we’ve struck out with christian counselors. so discouraging. we are both seeing secular counselors and a secular marriage counselor. there’s some relief and i sleep better most of the time now. but we are stuck. i keep hearing God say, “wait.” but how long and for what? thanks ladies. love to you all. paula
Cate,
I can relate to a lot of what you say. The difference is that my husband has always wanted me but I could never satisfy him. I used to pray in bed through 1 Corinthians 7:4 ” The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband…..Do not deprive each other except by murual concent….” I was performing a duty and at times I hated it. I knew that something was wrong. This couldn’t be what God intended. Now I realize that my husbands sin was infiltrating every aspect of our marriage. I was blind and assumed that everything was my fault. What’s wrong with me that I cannot please my husband? One thing I’m learning through this process is that I’m not responsible for my husbands recovery. Through this time of healing my counselor has encouraged that it is ok that sex is on my terms. My husband also tells me he needs “the release”. But I don’t want to fall into old patterns. I no longer want guilt to rule my sex life. Things need to change. I will not leave my husband. My vows were forever. However, he did break his vow to me when he started having a relationship with same sex ponography. I think it’s ok to take time to heal. In many ways I feel as though our relationship has to start from the beginning. Things are different and it is getting better.
I also relate to your feeling better when your husband is gone. I cherish my time alone. I used to love weekends but now I sometimes dread spending time together. Healing is hard work and my counselor tells me that these feelings are normal. I’m weary of the roller coaster but I also see hope. My husband is changing. He is appreciating me and trying to connect on a whole new level. God has taken his desire for pornography away but he still struggles with his thought life. I do ok and then something will happen that throws me back into grief. I will pray for you that your husband will give you the space that you need and to be sensitive to your needs and your healing.
Cynthia, I feel much the same. I am a teacher, and have a son in elementary school, and one in pre-k. It is very difficult, but I am waiting until school is out to have “the talk”. If he chooses recovery, and seeks therapy, he can stay. If not, I will file legal separation. It’s hard to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will know the answer that has been eluding me for so long….Will he choose to stay?….Or will he choose to go? To be clear, I am not giving him an option. If he actively pursues treatment, he may keep his family for as long as he does so. If not, there is no discussion. He will have to go. I just wanted to make sure we made a decision after school was out so they wouldn’t have to deal with those issues at school
My daily quest is to find wisdom , answers, hope . I am not angry with God over this. I am angry with my spouse. No matter what happens with us, I will be fine. I am a precious child of God, and he will see me and my children through this.
To help my own healing and to ease the suffering of insomnia, my wonderful Christian Doctor has fivne me sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication
From childhood I dreamed of my wedding day, my marriage, the loving, happy, God-fearing family that he and I would raise together. Never once did the thought of divorce rear its ugly head in all those visions. I married for life. This isn’t any kind of life. It is shame, deceit, secrecy, selfishness, among many other adjectives. Whether or not I love my husband is not the issue. I absolutely love him. Some days I am able to fully forgive him. Other days, not so much…I have known about this addiction and doublelife since September.Somedays I find myself still reeling from the inpact of such dramaticly life altering information.
Mina, I do not trust my husband at all. He has built his portion of this marriage on lies.It is going to take a long time to build that trust back, and both parties must participate in taking small steps to lay the right foundation. Daily I ask God to break his spirit and bring him to his kness while crying out in prayer. Each day is a new day challenges. We must gird up our loins and fight hard for ourselves, our husbands, and their souls..
Also, I HIGHLY recommend a good, christian doctor who will compassionatly understand that you are on very shaky ground. I cannot sleep without a prescription that my doctor wrote for me. He aslso put me on some generic sleeping pills.Without them, I do not sleep at all
May the lovely ladies behind the posts bless you by reading them. We are in this together. We can endure it together. “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there will I be also”….. He is with us on this journey and through this blog. I believe it!
Good night, precious ladies. Sweet dreams, deep rest, and may God sprinkle blessings all over you and your familyas you sleep…..
Mina. Your questions are what most of us have too. Do I feel whole? More so as time goes along. Not because things are better but because I am taking better care of myself. Exercise really helps to vent the frustration. I hope you are in counseling because it will help you to sort things out. Do I sleep at night. No, so I have a great doctor who has given me anxiety meds and they halp me to sleep. I have now developed an ulcer and the doctor says it is from the strain I am under. I don’t know if the marriage will stay intact, so I take it one day at a time. I do know that my health has taken a serious hit and I can’t continue like this much longer. I plan to try to engage my husband in a conversation Friday night and hope that he will respond to my request that he get counselling.
I am thankful for the activity on this website. I need to read and share. As for my husband, he is deeply trying to “heal” himself from SSA. He personally ordered the books mentioned above. he is also attending a “Journey into Manhood” weekend which works to heal some of the missing links that Renee mentioned above. Has anyone else’s hubby attended this or something similar? His Christian counselor seems great and I pray that his healing really will happen.
How do you handle your anger at God??? Why me?? I am trying to lay myself down and cling to Jesus, but at the same time I am angry that this is happening to me. I NEVER saw this coming. I am thankful that he is seeking help, I see the glimmer of hope at the end. But why God did it have to be me???
Kathy –
Like you am in a position where now that my husband is not getting a release (for lack of a better word) from anywhere else I am now wanted EVERYDAY. I am trying so hard to be submissive and be mindful that as a wife my body is not mine but his. It’s just so misserable! I’m exhausted. I can’t stand it. I don’t want him to touch me, but I just lay there and pray. Him and I have talked before about our sexlife pre-disclosure and how it was pretty much non-existant. I even told him that in the past I felt more like a humping post than a lover. And now I’m back to feeling the same way.
I really feel like God wants me to stay in this marriage, but I am having a really hard time. Every day is a challenge for me to recommit. I keep praying for God’s love to fill me so much that it spills onto him. And while my actions show him love and he tells me that I know that deep in my heart I scream with pain and irritation even now at the way he breathes. Also, he’s constantly leaving for buisness trips. And what makes me wonder if this is ever going to work is the fact that I get excited when he leaves. It’s hard dealing with the 2 kids by myself, but I rather it. I’d rather sleep in the bed by myself. I’d rather cook dinner for 3. Has anyone else dealt with this? Is this part of my grieving process or is Satan just being successful at driving a wedge?
I am asking all of you ladies today on the “National Day of Prayer” to join together and pray for our spouses and our families. SSA in all its forms is a sin- we all know that- so let’s unite in prayer for our spouses and let God do the work!
Renee,
Thank you very much for your words. Sometimes it just feels good to know it’s ok to feel shattered. I’m trying very hard to forgive and I know that I have and yet the feelings all come back and I have to forgive all over again. I do struggle with understanding same-sex attraction so I am planning on ordering the books. I really do have compassion for my husband but I also really hurt. I am so thankful that I have a good relationship with Christ because I know he will see me through.
Thank you for this website.
Kathy
Kathy:
So glad to have you find this site and glad to hear from you. I think most of the ladies who read this can relate to the feelings of lonliness and even actual physical pain when they find out about thier husband’s SSA and/or pornography habit. It is earth-shattering; it is like you’re whole world has fallen in on top of you and you don’t know where to start digging yourself out.
I’m sure it’s confusing for you when you say your husband is still very interested in you physically, and yet struggles with looking at men. He probably is attracted to you, but still has issues about his attractions to men that need to be resolved. One of the theories on how SSA develops is if someone had a need for same sex affirmation (like Dad-to-son or male-to male-affirmation) that hasn’t been met in a legitmate way, the longing can tangled up and “sexualized”, thereby becoming an attraction to the same sex. So it is possible for him to be attracted to you and have issues of attraction to the same sex. It’s not right in a marriage, of course, but it may help explain where you’re finding yourself now. I’ve really oversimplified this–so if you would like more information, I’d recommend getting my husband’s book Desires in Conflict for a better explanation of the theories of homosexuality and understanding and dealing with it.
Dealing with disclosure to kids is also a concern and can be very tricky, so I hope you and your counselor will talk about this. It may not be something you feel is necessary right now, but you and your husband may want to be prepared in the event it becomes a question that you are asked. If you want some insight on this, you can also check out When Homosexuality Hits Home.
Please keep in touch with us at WifeBoat, Kathy. We’ll be keeping you in prayer and hope we’ll hear from you again soon. Take good care of yourself too. God Bless, -R
thanks Sonya the encouragement is like a big warm meal.
Becky, Although I am so sad for you, I am also proud of you. The best and only thing you can do right now is exactly what you said….”lay it all down at the foot of the cross…” Do “wait on Him”. It may be harder than you even realize to do so, but in the end, that is the most powerful source that we all have. And how grateful we are to have it. I will continue my prayers, and will pray that God uses your attorneys and judge to make the best decisions for everyone. Be at peace, as much as you can in all this muck, and rest in God’s loving arms.
Take care, and rest well.
Hello everyone, I haven’t posted in a while, So much has happened in the last few months. My husband has moved out of state, with a man whom he says he is just friends with. He has also served me divirce papers. The papers say he wants custody of the kids. He says it must be a typo, my lawyer says they don’t make typos on those kinds of documents. Please pray that God will bring everything to the light. i suspect there are some deep dark secrets lingering in the shadows still. i am holding fast to Christ and waiting on him. I still love this man. How is it that I do? I don’t know. But I am laying it all down at the foot of the cross where everything that was wrong was made right.
Goodnight.
Just a few quick questions that came to mind. I know how to forgive, but how do I truly 100% forgive him so that we can both heal?? How do I keep my heart from being bitter and mean and resentful?? You ladies seem to have so much grace. I have not yelled, or cried, or anything, I just feel peacful at times and then really really angry!!!!!! Have any of you been able to trust him again? Do any of you feel whole?? Can any of you sleep??? I know that if I end it right now and we both walk away that our hearts are broken. If we stay and pray it out and work in the Lord, to see what he wants for our lives does the healing begin and if it dose not work out the loss start all over again. How long have your struggles been for and how do you know in your spirt that its gonna work or not. And last if you overcome this how often is it gonna raise its ugly head, and how do you deal with it?? Love and prayers to you all
It has taken me several days to read through this blog. I am so thankful I found this. I feel so lonely and don’t know anyone going through these feelings. I have been married for 23 years. Almost 2 months ago I discovered homosexual pornography on our computer. At first I thought it was a virus. I asked my husband and after at first denying it he admitted to an ongoing problem with pornography. Before we were married he had admitted to a same sex relationship. His last contact with him was the week before we started dating. In my naivety I had thought that everything was ok. We prayed about it and I thought the problem was over and I promised never to tell anyone. Now I know that he has struggled with SSA and pornography throughout our marriage. In hindsight I can see the signs but I guess I wanted to believe that everything was ok.
In many ways I can be very thankful. I was able to talk to a Christian Counselor within days of finding out. She has been a lifesaver and I see her weekly. My husband is very broken and remorseful. He is also seeing the counselor. He is feeling the relief of finally being able to confess his sin and stop believing Satan’s lies. At the same time I am feeling very lonely. At times the grief can be overwhelming. I cried constantly for several weeks and have had a constant stomach ache. I am a little more in control of my emotions but I still cry frequently. The hardest part is that I don’t feel I have anyone I can talk to beside my counselor. My husband and I are very active in our church. I want to protect our family especially our three children who range in age from 17-22. I don’t want them to know that their dad has struggled with homosexuality. But I’m tired of putting on a happy face pretending everything is ok.
The one thing that seems different to me than the experiences that most of you have had is the fact that my husband instead of ignoring me sexually, can’t seem to get enough. He says I am the only woman he is attracted to. Other women don’t “turn him on” but men do. He struggles with looking at men. Yet, it leaves me confused. Can he be attracted to me and men? I feel like much of our physical relationship has been a lie. That he has used me to play out his fantasies. It is so confusing to me. I don’t understand SSA because I’ve never had those feelings. How can he want both me and men?
I know that I should feel grateful that my husband is seeking help and that he does want me. But I still feel very lonely, hurt and confused. I am so glad that I finally found a place where I can tell my feelings to people who can understand.
Dear ladies,
Please know that I continue to lift us all up in prayer…our spouses and children, too! I hope that each of you are holding tightly onto God’s Almighty Hand. I know I am.
Have a blessed evening.
I just found your website today. My husband told me he was gay on Good Friday. We have been married for 10 years and have 2 small kids. He left for the night, my parents came over to be with me. my dad went to the hotel and they met. They have been very close in the past. Will came back home before the kids even woke up. He says he is sorry and has now discovered he has SSA. he thankfully has had no phyiscal contact, admits to looking at some porn. We have always had a very good sex life so this came as quite a shock. He met with a Christian counselor yesterday. He has two appt next week. The appts cost $125 a session so I am very worried about the $. i am a stay at home mom right now. I will try to do some sub teaching to help with the $ situation. He says that he has had SSA feelings since he was a young man, but they come and go. He says he loves me and i don’t doubt that. He works with a couple gay guys (who are both in committed gay relationships) and I HATE that he has any contact with gays right now. I feel like he is too vunerable to be with gay guys when he says he as made a choice to stay with me and our kids. I guess I feel most mad at God right now. Why did He has to pick this guy for me to be with? Why can’t I just be woth someone “normal”? I am a strong woman and Christain, I am just so frustrated. This is such an embarrassment to me. I don’t want to tell a soul, and now my parents know with them coming over the night he “came out.” I am very thankful that he is seeking help and wants to change. We live CA in the SF bay area. I would love advice on some counselors if you have some. I am having trouble finding them online. Thank you for listening to my story. i is so nice to know that i am not alone. I am rambling on . . . thanks ladies
It is so good to find this blog. I have been dealing with this issue in my marriage for over 20 years. It’s mainly the porn and then his inability to be initimate with me. It goes in cycles and always ends with me forgiving him, him promising to break away from the addiction. We’ve been in counseling a few times over those 20 years. Well, we just came into another cycle and I am just flat out tired of it. Each time it gets worse for me to work through. I have really been pressing into the Lord this last week and honestly after reading the 10 things list you wrote Renee, I have been just letting the Lord love on me and for once I am not trying to fix my husband, I am not trying to control his recovery. I am going for counseling for myself. I want this marriage to continue, but I will not continue in it the way it is. There is a lot of good in my husband and I love him. He loves the Lord and does not want to be this way, I’m sure of it. He just keeps making poor choices. I appreciate this avenue that allows me to see that other women are going thru the same thing, bless your hearts….I am encouraged by your victories, ladies, and I am praying for you to lean into the Lord, the perfecter of our faith.
Wendi,
Good to hear back from you. It’s too bad you’re so limited by the laws in your state regarding separation, but you’ll probably have to let them follow thier course in order to get some closure on your situation. I know it’s hard to accept what’s happening especially since you had 7 good years in your marriage, but unless your husband repents and comes back, there’s no reason to continue in a lopsided relationship with him. He may still love you, but he is the one who needs to make the first move back towards you, not the other way around. He is a “prodigal” and as in the Biblical story, you can only let him go until he “comes to himself” and makes a choice to return.
How do you let go? It’s a process of grieving your loss, and finally coming to a place of acceptance so you can move on. That is not something that happens quickly for most people, and like Anne said, you do have to treat yourself with patience and mercy. I’d recommend the book “On Grief and Greiving” by E. Kula-Ross (see my WifeBoat Store). That would help guide you through the stages of this loss – even though the book is written for those who have lost a loved one through death, in many ways it’s the same process. You have suffered the death of a dream and a marriage that you enjoyed for 7 years.
As far as the double life your husband and his friend are leading, what you mentioned is very disturbing; but at this point I don’t know that there’s anything you can do but pray and commit them to God’s discipline. He is the righteous judge and the merciful Father.
So, hand in there, girl, and take care of you. And please let us know how you’re doing -we’ll be your cheerleaders. God Bless -R
Hi, girls! Every time I try to go back and read some of the earlier blogs, I break down again- I feel like this blog is the only place where people REALLY understand what I am going through! Renee, as for financial matters, my husband’s credit was pretty lousy when we met (I have worked on that for 7 years), so the mortgage is just in my name. I tried getting seperation papers (strictly for financial clarity), but he refused to sign them. I don’t know if it was out of spite or he simply thought if he didn’t sign, he wasn’t responsible. In North Carolina, nothing else can be done until you have been seperated 1 year, and the next step would be a divorce. How do I accept the fact that I may end up being divorced to a man I know loves me? I know that may sound crazy to a lot of you, but of that fact- I have no doubt- Manius loves me. I understand I can’t change or fix him, but how do I let him go? We have had 7 GOOD years together- do I just shove that back in a closet somewhere, and ignore it? Yes, I know he and Keith are together- and that scares me for both of them. On top of everything, I recently found out Keith is the “sound guy” for a local gospel music group!!! How dare he? How dare he stand up and proclaim to be a representative of God, when he is sinning behind closed doors? That makes me SO angry as a Christian and a wife….through some “investigating” of my own, I have discovered that when Keith is out of town on business trips, Manius is already looking on the internet again for pornography. So, Keith isn’t making him happy, either. I feel like he’s going to go deeper and deeper, and nothing can stop him except God. I am so scared for him as a wife, because I love him SO much. I know there’s nothing I can do but pray, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Anne, thanks for your entry above. I think that’s what we all need to be reminded- this is nothing we created- Satan is powerful, but God can conquer all! We have all been dealt heartache, and we need to recognize we need to heal inside and out.
Cate….My husband told me that he had always been gay almost three years ago. Yes, it gets better. It is slow. I don’t just spontaneously start crying anymore. However, I am sensitive in my other relationships to small acts of betrayal and lies. I try to protect myself from being hurt. On the positive side, I am more attentive to my personal spiritual health. I am becoming more confident in other areas of my life.
If I could give you one thing that looking back I see as crucial, it would be to treat yourself with patience and mercy. Certainly, you need to be tough and take care of business and keep moving forward, but you need to recognize that you have suffered a devastating blow.
wow
Wendi –
Me again….I was talking with someone (a man) who has been through same sex attraction and has gotten in deep. He is now free from that sin, as he says, and is helping others. I asked him about what my husband might be feeling and he said shame. But, he cautioned, it’s not a shame that you’ve ever known. It’s like telling someone you eat horse crap and you like it. It repells people and puts the offender in a whole new category of shameful. This may be a reason why he won’t admit anything.
Wendi –
I am so sorry and I agree with everything that everyone else has said. I would like to add though that anger is part of the grieving process you now find yourself in. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. Do however continually give the anger over to the Lord before you do something through it that you regret. I too found out about my husband around October and am still dealing with anger. It’s normal. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
On a side note for those that have been at this a little longer than I. Do you ever get to a point where you don’t think about the betrayal, lies and hurt every single day? Will there be days in my future where this trial is not first thing on my mind? I feel like other things are getting the shaft because I am still in the trenches dealing with this. And that bothers me. I know I’ll never be the same, but I want to be someone who doesn’t dwell on this.
Wendi:
I’m glad you found WifeBoat, and hopefully, ladies who know and can empathize with what you’re going through. I can tell by the responses from Anne and Cynthia that they know and are right there with you.
You asked the question “When will I go back to being me?” but I think we all know the answer to that: you’re in a process (because of the circumstances you’ve been put in) where you will never be the same– and I think by God’s grace, you will be better! You will look back one day and see the hand of God was leading you. Like a line from one of my favorite praise songs “The Treasure in the Trial”, you will come forth as pure gold! And if you let Him, the Lord’s character will be formed in you through this.
I Peter 1:7 says “These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed”
But for now, there are some IMMEDIATE issues you need to take care of. You need to look out for yourself and the people who depend on you, and get some immediate stabilization financially. I assume your husband has some financial responsibility in maintaining payments on your home, and if he does not want to address this, you may need to see an attorney for a legal separation to force him to address these issues. This would help protect you and your assets and make him accountable for his portion of the financial obligation. It’s NOT behaving like a grown up to just say “I’m not happy” and dump everything in your lap. By keeping him accountable for this, at least, you will be able to do something constructive with your anger, and regain a sense of control. You are not his victim and you do have rights.
As far as counseling with someone who has experience in same-sex issues in relationships, I would recommend short-term phone counseling with my husband, Joe Dallas, who does phone counseling for families of homosexual loved ones. Or you can check out the Exodus International website for ministry referrals. Just click on the links to both and you’ll get more information. I’d also recommend the book When Homosexuality Hits Home.
Your counselor does sound wise, and I think is guiding you in the right direction. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you’re doing. God Bless. -R
Wendi, when I read your first comments I was just stunned. Now I’m even more so, because your husband is so lying to himself and you! How much more blatant can a person get? I have heard the “I don’t know what you are talking about…” line and really feel for you. You need to focus on you and not try to figure his family out for now.
If you can, find time to journal your thoughts out. Your counselor sounds wise. Any big decision needs to be from the well-researchd options you may have. Right now you may feel fenced in with not an option available. You may just have to jump over that fence and see what’s out there for you.
Hmmm maybe I’m reading too much into this, but maybe your husband saw your grandparents as a suitable replacement for him…
Wendi, you are on a long journey now. Things will change, now that you have entered a steep growth curve, but underneath it all you are still you. God WILL take care of you and your grandparents. He will make a way, whether it is through bringing your husband to repentance and honesty with himself and you, or not. You just keep your face turned to the One Who knows when the sparrow falls from its nest. You are going to make it because God’s going to help you.
Prayers for you and your family.
I am seeing a Christian counselor, but not one experienced in this subject. I have been researching, and I just can’t seem to find resources near me. I live in a small Southern community, and I can’t locate anyone in my area. You are exactly right- I feel like I was discarded- 7 years thrown away for nothing! I have been tested, and I am fine. As for the financial situation, I pray everyday for guidance as to what direction to take. I was ready and willing to allow my house to be foreclosed on just to get away from the memories and the financial burden it is creating, and my counselor recommended I speak to my lender to see if they can work with me and just wait it out for a while. She thinks my emotions are too tied up in all this, and I need time to regroup. She may be right, but every time I walk into a room, I know how happy we were, and now he’s not there. To make it worse, about two months before he left, we agreed to let my grandparents move in (actually, his idea). So now, I have a house, a 92 year old grandfather, a 89 year old grandmother, a dog, a cat, and a million other things to take care of, and he is “shacking up” with Keith. What scares me is all the hurt I have been feeling is turning to anger- I can feel it. We spoke last week for the first time in almost 2 months. He still won’t admit it- he says “I don’t know what you’re talking about”!!! Is he ashamed of what he is doing? Is that why he won’t come out and say it? I’m tired of all the lies, and now on top of everything, his entire family has turned away from me- the old saying “blood is thicker than water” is SO true. I have been very open with them, not hiding anything I’ve learned, and they just refuse to believe me. Do they not see they are just “enabling” him to keep hiding it? I keep thinking I will wake up tomorrow and feel better, but that never happens. I am more confused now than I was when it first happened, and that scares me- when will I go back to being me?
Wendi
I am so sad for you. My heart aches for you. You need to immediately find a Christian counselor who is experienced with women whose husbands have same sex attraction. You need to find a support group of women “who have been there” or “are there”. The counselor can give you an educated guess on the probability that your husband will come back to you. You also need an experienced counselor to help you focus your priorities.
I know you feel alone and hurt and like you were just discarded, but you have to pull yourself together and focus on some important issues like your financial situation and like being tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
I will pray for you….and I can tell you from my terrible personal experience that healing does take place and that you will feel better….but it takes time. Remember that God has promised that he will not give us a test without giving us the strength to endure it…I Corinthians 10:13
In October, my husband of 7 years left with the explanation “i’m just not happy anymore.” Now he is living with his “partner” with whom he is “in a relationship”. Where do I go from here? A couple of years ago, I discovered he was looking at homosexual pornography, and of course, he apologized and said he was just curious. Where do I go from here? Is my marriage over? Do I just “let go” like everyone tells me to? How do I stop grieving for the loss of a wonderful, love-filled marriage of 7 years? To make it worse, my birthday was yesterday, and I feel SO alone.
P.S. He hasn’t admitted he is gay. He moved twenty miles away, and has no contact with anyone “WE” knew. He has left everything behind to pursue this relationship. I am about to lose everything, including our home, and I am SO confused!
I love you all. Thanks for the encouragement!
Cynthia…I love how you put it…”a steaming bowl of guilt”. That is poetic and right on. It is also a way to stay in control.
Cate, you are not responsible for his problems, recovery, or choices. The weight of his consequences- whatever he decides to do or not do…is not on your shoulders. I can only echo what Becky and Cynthia have said regarding trusting in God that He will guide you. This is NOT your fault. You can only control YOUR recovery, YOUR healing, and YOUR choices. Do not let Satan make you feel guilty about something over which you have ABSOLUTELY no control. Let God be your advisor, your strength, your courage, your refuge, and your ALL in ALL!! Give it all over to HIM! He has whatever you need.
I am praying for you.
Cate, I wish now I would have went with my gut years ago. Something wasn’t right, and I just pollyanna- ed my way through it. Definatley go with your intuition, and ask God to guide your every step. Bury yourself in the word, and find some friends to lean on. What a difference it will make.I am praying for you.
Becky
Cate, wow, a steaming bowl of guilt! I’m praying with you for true repentance for your husband. Trusting your intuitionis a good thing. God will use that with His Spirit to guide you.
Cynthia – I think I do keep a lot from him due to past experiences just like you said. But I’m finding now that when I share it’s not much different. My gut feeling is, that he does somewhat listen to me to know what he needs to do to carry on the charade of “healing.” I’m just praying now for true repentance because I’m not seeing it and that scares me. He told me the other day if I were to ever leave he would become suicidal. How’s that for guilt and let’s please keep this up? I just don’t know what to do.
thanks sonya. I am seeing that life is good, and the years are going to pass by weather I am happy, or sad. i have decided to be happy.
Becky, GOOD FOR YOU!! I am so proud that you have taken steps to take care of YOU! It’s such a crushing blow when the realization that your help-meet in life, is not going to help himself, let alone help you…his spouse…the one he promised to love, honor, cherish, etc. Both partners are responsible for their part in making the marriage work. When one spouse is doing the majority of the healing and recovery work, as well as the only one who is putting forth a commited effort to draw closer to God and to save the marriage, it can be devastatingly sad, overwhelming, and humiliating. How wise and courageous you are to go back to school, and spend time finding new things you enjoy! You go, girl!
May God continue to guide you, strengthen you, and hold your hand as you travel this road. May you feel His mighty, unwavering love for you each and every day.
Blessings!
I am continuing to grow in my relationship with God, and
A footnote to Cate. In wondering if you keep too much from him….I am wondering if you keep much from him because you tried to deal openly with him before and it didn’t go so well for you. I’ m only echoing my own experience. Evey situation has its own nuances.I have learned to not talk openly because it becomes wasted energy and emotion: it doesn’t “fix” him, but does lead to his anger. If a person could just dialogue with another, in my mind, at least issues could be worked through. But I guess if a person has decided that his very life depends on his cover, he is going to do whatever it takes to keep it intact. At least you have set boundaries and your husband in counseling. How did you accomplish that? What made him decide to go?
Becky, thanks. No, we are not anyone’s victim. Friends and activities really do help.
Cynthia, i too have become keenly aware that my husband isn’t that into me either! he was when he proposed. I guess in there lies the mystery to me. What happened? Is it me? Is it him? The work of some evil I can’t quite see. Who knows. I am moving on with the Lord, in hopes that my husband will take steps as well. I have decided I am not anyone’s victim. just like the list says…. i am starting back to college, and have taken up some hobbies. I am looking forward to the year coming. We’ll see what happens.
Becky
Thankyou, Cate. We are grateful for what our husbands do. It could be so much worse. I guess the problem is that I know the depth of relationship will just never be there unless he decides he wants it. verneer and patinaare all he needs. He’s just not that into me. I told him I was taking steps to help my acute loneliness in our marriage(it was a calm discussion) and he just looked at me. It was like I commented on the weather. All the while, I take anti-anxiety medicine, go to counselling, develop a separate life from him just to stay in the marriage and survive. It just doesn’t concern him. I know this is my oportunity for incredible growth, but I grow weary of it. Sometimes I think I am like David with Saul in the Old Testament, when he was more concerned with Saul’s sin than Saul himself was! Thanks again for your words of encouragement. They made a difference. I’m praying for all of you, ladies.
Hi again –
Cynthia I totally understand what you are saying. My husband has been very nice, helping around the house, taking care of the kids when he comes home from work, etc. I’ve kept a lot of my healing from him because I don’t know how well he would deal with it. As we talked the other day he seemed shocked by the fact that everyday I think about this and everyday something reminds me of it and I hurt again or I get angry or some other myriad of emotions. Am I keeping too much from him? I heard him tell someone that we’re doing well. Someone who knew the situation and he could be honest with. I’m NOT doing well. I’m working on healing myself and trying, but he’s acting like nothing happened and how he acts around me now is not really any different than before. I’m the one setting boundries to assure that he’s getting help. If it were left up to him he would say all was fine and move on. I’m having a hard time with that and with seeing him act like it’s all over. So Cynthia if you are the biggest problem then I am too.
Hello, ladies.
I am cycling out of being miserable into being thankful.My husband is being very nice and caring of my well-being. It’s all done at a distance, of course, but it brings up some familiar thoughts: am I the one who has created the distance here or is it he? If I try once more to enter in to his world and try to become part of him again will I be disappointed? Is his brand of love better than mine? Clearly, I am the only one who is miserable: he seems to be just fine and doesn’t seem to notice my difficulties. I can’t be THAT good at pretending I’m fine. He is a good provider, works all the time. So what if he’s not available to me. I am thankful that it isn’t worse. He is not physically abusive to me and seems to genuinely care about me and the kids. Am “I” my biggest problem?
Thank you, Renee, for your comments. When I found your website a few weeks ago, I printed out the “Just for Today” list. It’s been so helpful to me. I felt as if a life preserver had been thrown my way. Number 6 is probably the hardest one for me to wrap my brain around. His sin has devastated me, and I don’t know how to get past that. I guess I feel like I should be in a different place in my healing, since it’s been almost 10 years. I’ve felt stuck for a long time, if not spiralling downward. I can relate to what many of you have posted. The lack of communication and sexual intimacy, the secrecy that still continues, all seem to wear me down daily. My husband has made no move to work on our relationship, to seek counseling for himself or for us as a couple. He has stayed, though, he didn’t walk. He does provide for us, he’s a huge help around the house, and he’s a good daddy. I like what Diana said about looking to my relationship with Christ to fulfill my deepest needs. May God bless each one of you. I was starting to think I was alone in this. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Mae,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. You’ll see that many of the women who post here have had similar experiences, and can really empathize with you.
I’m glad that you have friends that you can confide in, and I’m sure they have helped you alot. But I think when we see our sadness turning into bitterness which begins to “eat us alive” , it is time, like you said, to work on your issues. Your husband may not want help–you can’t do anything about that. But you can get help for yourself… and you must do it because your very life depends on it. The problem with long term problems like this in a marriage is that a wife begins to feel powerless, and loses the energy even to take care of herself. How about taking some of that power back and seeking out a counselor or support group? There are options out there for you, and you may just need a little help from an experienced Christian counselor in sorting it all out. I want to refer you to my WifeBoat Just for Today list to help give you some encouragement on taking care of yourself. You can print it out in pdf version so you can refer to it. And, I’d love to hear back from you on what you think of it, and if it’s been of help to you.
Mae, may God bless you with wisdom and insight, and comfort of His Holy Spririt. Please stay in touch. -R
I’m so thankful to find all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories and your words of wisdom. I can relate to what so many of you have said. My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I found out 10 years into our marriage that he had had multiple affairs with men. He repented, went for counseling for a short time, then when we moved he did not seek out a new counselor. We never talk, and there is no intimacy on any level. I stayed in the marriage because I thought he was repentant and willing to put our marriage back together. I’m now second guessing that decision. Over time, I have watched myself become an angry, bitter and resentful woman. It’s eating me alive! (I was not any of those things in the beginning) I know I need to work on my issues. I have a couple of close friends I confide in. I take this to the Lord daily.
Rachel,
Thank you for the kind words. We’ve been advised by more than one professional to keep our “circle” small, in terms of telling people. Most of our immediate family know (except, of course, children), and a few very close friends know. My husband doesn’t have many friends because he has shut himself off from them. I am not alone. I am richly blessed with supportive friends and family. Also, both of us are in separate support groups, also. He whines and complains about his, but he goes. No one else in his group has his same addiction. Theirs is all to female porn, indiscriminate sex acts, etc., . It makes him feel like he doesn’t belong. I think sometimes he chooses that feeling….purposely.
Mine is a group for recovering spouses of sex addicts. It’s okay. But the only thing I need to recover from is knowing that my husband has an oppressive addiction, and that he has deceived me and most everyone he knows, for 20 years. I love the women in the group, but I don’t feel like it is really helping me deal with this. The women are very encouraging, as I I also try to be. But for the most part, the rest doesn’t seem to really apply to me. None of them have the same specific issue that I have.
I have a wonderful phone counselor…I live in the middle of nowhere, so I have to do it over the phone… but it has been reassuring and empowering to have that time with a therapist.
As I walk this journey…or should I say…drag myself through this journey…I know that whatever the outcome, God is with me. He will hold my hand and guide me.
I am sorry for your pain, as well. My God richly bless you…and all of us…this week.
Thank you for praying for repentance for my husband. I love him, and believe God led me to marry him. I would love nothing more than for him to be well, and right with God. I pray he, and all of our husbands, make that choice.
Sonya,
I am so very sorry for your pain. I pray that God will continue to strengthen you through this. I will pray for repentence in your husband. Do you have supporting friends where you are at or are you doing this alone?
Rachel,
My husband, too, has had multiple, multiple, multiple encounters with strangers. This is not just about his belief that he is gay. This is not about having a relationship. This is a serious addiction. He could have been arrested, he could’ve been killed, he could have given me and my children STD’s, or HIV. He could’ve even contracted AIDS. This is not only a sin, but an illness.
I pray for my husband everyday. Everyday I turn him over to the Lord. I can forgive him, and love him, without sacrificing my own mental, physical, and emotional health. Staying with him is not healthy in any sense of the word for me and my children, unless and until he seeks God and recovery, with his whole heart. He is not ready to do that.
My plan is to separate after the school year, so it will not be something my young, innocent children have to deal with during school. I think he is actually waiting for me to make that move, because he doesn’t want to be the one who says it’s time to separate.
With God, all things are possible. He can change my husband’s heart, if my husband seeks that change zealously.
I so appreciate the encouragement behind your words. All of the women on this blog need as much support as they can get! I also believe that God’s plans for us are not all the same. I know He hates divorce, but He also abhors homosexuality. He desperately wants our husband’s souls, but so does Satan. The devil knows our husbands’ vulnerabilities, and enthusiastically, frantically, feeds them. As far as I am concerned, this is war! I have to put on the full armour of God and fight the good fight for my spouse. But, I don’t have to be married to him….or living with him….to keep fighting for him. I need to fight for myself and my kids, too. I do NOT want a divorce. I love my husband. But, I want a healthy, loving spouse, whose life brings glory to the Lord. His doesn’t.
My prayer for all of us is that God convicts our mates to healing and triumph over satan, and their illnesses. It is also that we DO be still…and listen to what God is telling us. I am thinking of the song “Where He leads, I Will Follow.” Right now, He is leading us through the valley of the shadow of darkness. We cannot afford to fear any evil. We must march onward toward healing for purselves, the protection of our children, and hope for our husbands. His rod and His staff will comfort us.
Blessings to you!
Cate, God will lead you in the right direction. I was firmly convicted that I should stay with my husband and help him heal, as well as our marriage. I dove head-first into a recovery plan…counseling….boundaries….utilizing resources….support group….everything. It suddenly struck me (or maybe God struck me!) that I was the only one doing so. He wasn’t making any kind of commited effort to help himself. I believe that God is making it clear to me that I am not to continue to be demeaned by this behavior, nor accept it in my spouse.. or the father of my children. If he wants to overcome, I will be his biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes.
If he isn’t, I love myself and my children enough to say Enough! I refuse to be the only one putting energy into this family. Cynthia is right. They do not comprehend (nor do they want to) the depth of our pain. Until they are ready to face what they have done/are doing to their families, they cannot have healing. My husband doesn’t want to face his sin, let alone the consequences and pain he has created for his family.
One way or another, we will all triumph over this because we are God’s daughters…seeking His will for our lives….not our own. WE can do this, because He will see us through!
I’ll pray with you, Cate. Being in the twilight zone for long periods of time is difficult and the frustration can be overwhelming. I find that I cycle in and out of that place of anger while I wait for God to show me clearly what to do and when to do it. All the while on the surface I pack my husband’s lunch and ask him how his day was.It does feel like my marriage is a stage and husband asks me to play the role that he has defined for me.Our husbands haven’t a clue the hurt we experience! You will make it, Cate. God will show you what to do.
Like some of you I feel like I am playing a role and I feel like the main reason my husband says he loves me is because I’m in the role of “supporting wife who keeps the secrets and isn’t leaving.” I spent all day yesterday because I don’t want to play that role. I feel like God is telling me to stay, but as he is away on buisness right now I lay in bed or feed my kids at night and think….”I can do this. I don’t need or want him to have a part.” I lay in bed last night realizing that I don’t want him to come home and sleep with me. It was my birthday this week and he left a card. All it said was incase you needed a reminder, I love you. I lost it. I was so mad and ripped up the card. Who loves some one so much that they go and sleep with other men? What do I do with these feelings? A few months ago I felt really peaceful that God wanted me to stay and now I asking him again to reveal His will.
My name is Rachel. I have been married for 5 years. My story is very different and yet the same. Unlike most of you, I was fully aware of my husband’s struggle before we got married…in fact before we were even “more than friends.” He is my best friend. I knew before we married that he had several sexual encounters and assumed that he was repentant and that was the past. After being married for 6 months I found out that he had been unfaithful…I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I didn’t tell anyone and committed to loving my husband unconditionally and forgiving. A year and a half later I found that there was not just one incident but several…so many that he couldn’t tell me…most of them random acts with random strangers. Imagine my fear of STDs. It was then that I cried out for help to our pastor and friends. (All the while my husband is leading worship at our church…he was the “perfect” christian man) Everytime he would “confess” he would weep and cry and say he was sorry…never once did I feel it sincere. After that last confession, I thought things would be fine. In addition to his acting out sexually, he looked at homosexual porn and masterbated. Everytime I would find out about these when we would have “intimacy” discussions. Because, like all of you, I knew something was not right…he wasn’t honest. I never believed he was sorry and my hurt deepened. Knowing that my husband struggled with this, I still believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. I felt stupid. I was even asked why I even married him by family members. But you see, I know and believe with all that is is me that God is absolutely sovereign. My marriage to him was not a mistake…it was perfectly ordained
Two years ago, with an 18-mos-old little girl and a little boy on the way, I found out that he had done it AGAIN. I was faced with the reality that I was enabling him to continue to lie and deceive me and himself. We separated…I told him that he needed to come back when he was sure that we were what he wanted. That was the most terrifying thing that I have ever done. I didn’t want him to leave…I wanted him more than ANYTHING!!! But, I learned alot about love…love is not only grace but it is TRUTH. I loved him enough to make him face truth. Fortunately, it got his attention, and it was during that time he realized that he was not in fact saved. Salvation occurred in his life and he became a new man. For the first time I believed his confessions and saw true repentence. He know longer was sorry that I was hurt, but sorry that HE had hurt me. There was something freeing and healing in true repentence.
I know this is long, but I am getting to my point. I would like to tell you that his struggle is over…it is not. When I say that he is a new man, he is. He no longer makes me feel like I’m not good enough and he seeks to love us (we now have 3 children) as Christ loves the church. BUT he is still fighting. Just last week I found out that he had begun an “affair” with a man at work. It didn’t go sexual. He confessed immediately as soon as it got out of hand. We are working through the pain as I write. I know that he is not the same man he was two years ago. He is fighting!
What I want you all to get out of this is encouragement. God has given me so much hope…hope in His Word. Pray for your husbands’ repentence. They are fighting a battle against what they have identified themselves to be…whether they are fighting outwardly or giving in, they are still in the war…some are gaining ground and some are getting slaughtered. What I have learned from my experience is that the most loving thing for them is to shine light on the darkness. Keeping it hidden enables them to continue in it…greater than the sin of homosexuality is their sin of lying. They are skillful deceivers to you and to themselves. I have hope in Christ’s salvation…He is sanctifying my husband as we speak. He is enrolled in an intensive therapy to get to the core of this issue. I am constantly reminded of 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word but by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” A dear friend of mine that is walking through this with me gave me edifying advice…”don’t let your [my] fear of losing him keep you [me] from facing whatever to put the sin to death.” God has placed you in their lives. Like the verse above…devote yourselves to the Lord…seek Christlikeness and to glorify Him in all things. As He sanctifies you and makes you like Him, He will use you to sanctify and in some cases save your husbands “without word but by conduct.”
I don’t want to sound preachy, but encouraging. I keep telling myself all of the above in the midst of my pain. Because it hurts desperately!!!! But just because if feels like God is being unfair doesn’t mean He is. “Be still and know that I am God” Ps 46:10