The Faces Behind the Issues
Here in California, we’re in the middle of a huge and heartbreaking controversy over Proposition 8, the marriage amendment that essentially banned same-sex marriage in this state. Amidst all the political upheaval, people often forget the faces behind the issues: many of those faces belong to women who are trying to cope with the revelation that their husband is homosexual. And though the Christian worldview on homosexuality differs from that of our culture, it does not necessarily grant immunity from the issue hitting Christian marriages.
Because of my own husband’s work over the years, I’ve known so many women in this position. I’ve wept and prayed and walked alongside them. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. So I’d like to offer some thoughts.
What do you do if your husband says “I’m gay”?
1. Much will depend on how your husband feels about homosexuality, and about your marriage. Does he view homosexuality as legitimate, or as a tendency to be resisted? Is he considering leaving your marriage, or is he committed to staying with you and learning to deal with his feelings for other men? Is he at the very least willing to stay faithful to you despite his homosexuality, or is he considering “coming out” and declaring himself gay? These are questions you need to ask; the sooner the better.
2. Remember the difference between a homosexual orientation (inner attractions to men) versus homosexual behavior (sexual contact with men or viewing of homosexual pornography) If his orientation is homosexual, that’s a completely involuntary condition which he didn’t choose, nor can he choose to simply “change” it. In short, it’s not his fault. If, on the other hand, he’s engaged in homosexual behavior, that is indeed a choice, one that he’s morally responsible for. Either way, neither his orientation nor his behavior are a reflection on you, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent or cause either of them.
3. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken at this point. These steps should include:
(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address your options as a couple, depending on what your husband chooses to do about his sexuality.
(b) A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your own counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re dealing with this.
4. If your husband has been sexually active consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
5. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions (jumping into divorce court; demanding he leave the home; etc.) Work with a counselor or pastor to determine the best courses of action, and don’t let yourself make a quick, poorly thought through decision.
Key Verse
“For I know the thoughts that I have towards you, says the Lord.
Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Resources
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
When Homosexuality Hit’s Home by Joe Dallas
The Truth Comes Out by Nancy Heche
Genesis Counseling 2-Day Intensives – Men and Couples
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Dear Friends,
I ask everyone to pray because we are back in court tomorrow. I will not be there, financially I cannot afford the 9 hour drive. My husband has been even more heartless as he is getting ready to face a judge who will most likely put him in jail as this the 3rd time he has been in arrears for child support. He has been rude, condenscending, and even has gone as far as to say I am a poor mother, always was a bad wife. He even has said that I made up everything about the gay porn, and about the homosexuality. This I know proves he isn’t mentally stable as I have 100’s of texts of him apologizong for being gay, and needing to find himself.
I am asking everyone to please pray. I am losing all my will to even want this man in my life, or the lives of my children. I am ready for him to just disappear. So prayer for both issues. The court hearing, and my heart condition.
Thanks
Becky
Becky,
Thanks for the update, we’ll be keeping you in prayer. I pray God will give you peace and work in your behalf.
It’s good to find women that understand what Im going through. I’ve been married for five years, dated him for eight years and just found out in November that he has been cheating on me with men all this time. He has also been using drugs. We are both Christians and were known to have the perfect marriage. I had no idea. I’m super confused and angry. I want to know what God wants from me. I feel bad for wondering if God can really help him with this problem. I’m so disgusted by it. We have no children. He wants to stay in the marriage and says he really wants freedom from it. I don’ want to act on emotions, but its just so hard to have faith right now. What do I do?
Jane,
I’m sure you are really hurting–the most important person in your life has been lying to you for a long time. It is no wonder that you’re experiencing confusion, anger and a challenge to your faith! My heart goes out to you.
Without knowing more about your situation, I can’t give you specifics, but I do recommend you review the 5 points in the article above. Doing those things will help you get started, and will lead to getting more specific direction. See Your Husband’s Admitted He’s Homosexual above.
As for your husband, I’d recommend he contact one of the Exodus International ministries for a referral to a ministry nearby. If you aren’t able to find one, please check my husband’s website for information on phone counseling, intensives, free podcasts and books. This will do alot to help you and your husband get started on educating yourself on the issue and getting the support you need. Please don’t put off taking action and reaching out for help. There is hope, but you can’t do it alone.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing. Our WifeBoat support groups are starting up again this January, and perhaps one of the those options will help you as well. You can check this link for more information. Jane, the WifeBoat ladies and I will be keeping you in prayer. -R
Good Morning friends. I wanted all of you to know I am praying and loving you today. Many of us, proving to be stronger than we ever thought, have a hard road to walk today. I have been reading Psalm 18 and finding comfort. It is hard for me, like many of you I am sure, to trust a God who seems to have let something so bad happen to us. You too I am sure, are tired of hearing the religious cliche’s, like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”, or “Give it all to God”, or the best one, “Its just part of the fall.” I won’t say anything like that today. I WILL say, I love you, and I am asking Jesus to meet you, in all your hurt, in all your anger, and in all your pain. Right where you are, with His peace.
I have been reading in my kids science book, about how a butterfly hatches from the cocoon. If the insect doesn’t go through the struggle to squeeze itself out of the cocoon, it s wings will never develop, and it will never fly. Never float on the wind, never be all it was meant to be. Its wings will remain shriveled, weak, and it will die. I thought, well, strength, determination, and endurance is what it will take for me to get through this. A somewhat silly analogy considering the weight of what I am enduring, but simple, seems to be what I can handle right now, so I’ll take it.
Love you all.
Becky,
I so appreciate what you had to say. It’s true that so many times we don’t feel God is paying attention to all we’re going through, but He is there all along giving strength and endurance. It’s not what we feel, it’s what He’s promised, and He always keeps His promises.
You are loved, my friend. Thanks for your thoughtful comments and beautiful word pictures. -R
Renee,
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again. Ever really love again. I sometimes feel I have lost all my confidence, and was so foolish for believeing in love. I waitress at a very nice resturant, very high class, and we get alot of homosexual couples. My manager knows about my situation because one of my first nights on the floor, (I have never waitressed before… but it was what was available to me), a very loving and openly gay couple were seated at my section.
I knew immediatey that they were gay; and they were romantically embraced looking out over the river. I turned on the fakest smile, and chatted up our chef, our menu, made wine suggestions…. and then when I went into the kitchen, I literally fell apart. So my manager is aware of my situation. Because after I pulled myself together, I had to explain because when I fell apart so badly I scared him. Usually these couples are friendly, classy, very kind, happy, and they tip incredibly well. I have been able to look at and see these men and women as people who deserve love and respect, and in giving them that, maybe I can give them Jesus too. I try to serve them with a real attitude of humbleness, making sure there isn’t anything in myself in the way. I pray that if I can’t talk about Jesus, that they can feel him through me.
So here’s my problem, when I see a married couple, I think “That jerk’s probably sleeping around on her.” I’ll see a well dressed handsome man in his 20’s or 30′ and think, “That guy is so gay.” Can you suggest some things I can do? It may just take time, just healing from Jesus. These thoughts don’t settle correctly in my heart. Any advice from my friends would help. I’d really like to hear that I will come out of this divorce with a shining glow about me, and have unscarred children, and a farm with a pond where I can meet with God everyday in the sunshine. And that a kind, gentle man will see me for who I am and love me till we are old and gray, and gone. Anyone want to tell me that? I hate Cinderella, what a rotten line to feed little girls. I am afraid I am on my way to bitterness if I don’t lay it before Christ. Some help?
Goodnight, love you.
I am so thankful to find this website and am so thankful to read through the lives of so many precious women. May God hear all of our cries and bless each with a strength beyond what we could hope. Words so easily written but full of doubt.
I tremble at the thought of being heard. All the 12 years of my married life I’ve thought I was the only woman married to a Christian man who believes that God may never heal him or may never remove his temptation. My husband told me a week before our wedding that he was gay. Honestly I didn’t understand how deeply rooted homosexuality is. I just believed that he must love me so much that he was willing to leave the past behind. It didn’t take me long to learn differently and I am still learning the ugly truth. My husband craves an intimate and long lasting relationship with a man while unwillingly accepting that it’s a fantasy and a lie.
There is nothing that I can offer him as a woman to fulfill his desires and he has no interest in fulfilling mine. My husband has assured me of his faithfulness but has reminded me that he is a gay man living a heterosexual life. He’s said that he has had his whole life to deal with it so just get used to it. Why? How?
He has convinced himself that he has done the noble thing by getting married. Noble for who? What about me? His sin is completely selfish and I find myself resentful being caught up in trying to hide who he really is and what I’ve become. I wanted a marriage. A real marriage to a man who would love me. On the outside we look like the perfect couple. On the inside I mourn what I’ve never had and may never have.
I’ve never met any other woman going through the same and am therefore thankful for this site.
Becky:
You have come through alot, and you are a survivor, my friend! I’m sure it hurt tremendously when your wound got re-opened. But I am struck with your desire to understand and reach out to those who, even through they didn’t do anything to you personally, represent the very thing that has hurt you the most. I admire your heart.
In Barbara Johnson’s book “Where Does A Mother Go To Resign?”, she discovers her son’s homosexuality and describes how that revelation colored everything she did, especially at first. She felt like she couldn’t even go to the grocery store without being reminded about it when she bought the Homo-gonized Milk. Everything around her seemed surreal. And it’s the same for the woman who’s husband has revealed his homosexuality — all your assumptions about life have been challenged. So it’s no wonder you look at someone and wonder, “Is this person really what he seems to be on the outside? Or does he have a secret?”
One thing is for sure, and this you can bank on: The Lord your God loves you and is Faithful and True. So I think one of the most powerful things you can do when you find yourself with distressing thoughts is to replace them immediately with the promises of God. I like to put verses on index cards, or sticky notes and have them available for immediate reference. So when I get discouraged, I bring the Word of God into my situation. That way, I am agreeing with God, not the enemy, and not my own temptations towards bitterness or anger, or even cynicism.
Here are some verses I use, (and I’m sure you’ve got that the Lord has spoken to you through.) Philippians 4:6-8, 2Corinth 1:20, I Peter 5:7-10, Philippians 1:6. And don’t forget Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know that plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Does anyone have additional thoughts? -R
Lee:
I’m glad you found us here at WifeBoat, and glad that you can see that you’re not alone! This must be a heavy burden, not only because of your own pain in feeling rejected for so long, but also being put in the position of having to keep this secret. And I’m not so sure that’s a noble thing.
Keeping secrets isn’t healthy for either one of you, and it would do you both good to get connected with one of the ministries that help people who struggle with same sex attractions. (I’m assuming from your huband’s comments that he hasn’t looked into this). I would highly recommend that you both look into getting help and support from a pastor, Christian counselor or ministry that is equipped to help. Also, there are many good resources that can help educate you and help you and your husband understand the issue. At any rate, the first step to whatever degree of healing you both experience will start with reaching out to someone you trust.
And if for any reason your husband does not want to seek out help, please get some help for yourself as soon as you can. You don’t have to go through this alone, and it’s ok for you to take care of yourself, Lee. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers, and please check back and let me know how you’re doing. Blessings, -R
hello my lovely friends,
I just wanted to post to say goodnight. I mean that, have a good night, full of restful, peaceful sleep. I am asking the Lord for each of you tonight that he will cause peace to rest on you. That He will give every cell in your body an appropriate break from the stress of your situations. That he will hedge angels around your homes, and each post of your bed. That Jesus himself will stand guard over your thoughts and dreams. That tomorrow morning when you wake your heart emotions will be in order, and your appetites strong. that you will look in the mirror and see all that he sees. I love each of you, you aren’t strangers to me. You are feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts. Thank you Jesus that as we suffer great loss, and pain you are there ever watching, ever caring and ever lifting us closer to you. I also pray for each of our husbands, Jesus do the good work you’ve begun. Help each of us to find peace in your methods of drawing our husbands closer to you. Help us to lay down our expectations of how you will work. Help us to care more for their souls more than the wrongs made against us. Help us to be strong in our convictions of what steps we are to take and give us the desire to be obedient to you foremost. teach us to love you. Jesus thank you that you have all authority over the power of the enemy. Thank you father that nothing surprises you, that you know, and that you care. Good night my friends.
Jackie,
As I was looking back and reading some of the older posts, I came to yours that was written on Aug. 29th of last year….not sure I’ve seen your name any other time, but felt I had to respond to you.
I can honestly say I understand most, if not all the hurts you describe. You know Satan is so good at making us feel like there is NO ONE else who can understand. Of course I know in my heart that the Lord truly understands but it is so helpful when he provides another human to say “Hey-I get it”.
I will be married 18 years this May. I knew of my husbands past struggles before our marriage but since he had attended Exodus classes and felt God had changed him- I moved forward. Plus, I had prayed about this and was convinced God’s plan was for us to marry- did I mention that I love him too? Well I did and do….
Anyway- without going into all the details, I will simply say that he announced to me about 8 years ago that he had been unfaithful a few times, with a man, he had known from college. These affairs (I guess you can call them that) happened while he was on business trips out of town- 5 years earlier. I guess at the time he told God that he would tell me what happened- but would wait 5 years. So 5 years later while attending a weekly men’s prayer breakfast, he felt moved to confess what he had done. He was truly sorry and broken and I gave full forgiveness. For a time our marriage seemed better then it ever had been…..Then from time to time I would ask him if he was struggling. Usually he would briefly say no…
Fast forward to Aug.- just before you wrote your comment. I went out of town with my husband – to visit his family. He was not himself and very, very quite. On the way home I asked him what was going on and he told me that he would share everything when we got home.
He told me that he had been with one my best friend’s husband several times over a 3 year period. Like you, this couple was very, very important in our lives. In each other’s weddings, our children were willed to them and vice versa. He said this ended 2 years prior but was coming to the point where he could no longer stuff his feelings and was NOT in love with me. He did not want to be with this man- but thought he could not keep up pretending to be someone he was not.
About this time my sweet mother went on hospice and died on Sept. 10th.
Interestingly, I had said a little prayer in the summer to God- something like “I don’t feel close to you God- you seem far away- I wish I felt that closeness again”. Well, be careful when you pray that kind of prayer…. HA.
Do I feel close to the Lord now? Frankly, I can say He has been and is ALL I HAVE. Sure I have friends and great kids, etc. BUT HE HAS Been my stability (Isaiah 33:6) and really my husband.
He did give me a promise about my marriage and it comes from Jeremiah 33:6:
“Behold, I WILL BRING to it (my marriage) HEALTH AND HEALING and I will HEAL THEM. And I will reveal to them an abundance of PEACE AND TRUTH”.
After I got this incredible promise- which I cling to constantly – I said “Lord, was that promise really for my marriage and was it really from you?” Then He gave me this:
Acts 27:25 “So take courage! For I believe God. It will be (or happen) just as He said”
WOW— Is God incredible and personal or what?
Looking back I could not believe that God would take my mother, who I loved so much and allow all this other pain at the same time….but you know, I was able to be weak and cry and sometimes it was my mom and sometimes it was my marriage….people gave grace and I didn’t have to explain.
Currently my husband is in a weekly Christian class for people living with sexual brokeness….I know it is helping him. This past Saturday he finally admitted that it is sin. THIS IS HUGE because he has been looking for a loop hole in God’s word. He has so wanted to justify this..
Honestly I don’t feel as relieved as I thought I would. This is a long journey and it seems that in bits and pieces God allows me to see what has really happened. Does this make sense?
This past weekend I was hit with a new wave of clarity regarding what has really happened. A dear friend said that she didn’t think I could take all the truth all at once… into my heart. It seems that it is really coming to me in pieces (does that make sense?) I don’t know that I could have physically and emotionally withstood all the knowledge slapping me all at one time.
I have been at an all time low- I continue to pray, meditate on who God is – I LOVE THAT GOD DOES NOT LIE TO ME. HE IS COMPLETELY TRUSTWORTHY. I have thanked him for that over and over.
I constantly go back and read Renee’s list of “Top Ten Steps to Help when you Face Difficult Situations” and it has helped me to tremendously. Have you read it? I suggest printing it out and keeping it handy.
I am praying we can attend a conference in April for couples that struggle with this in their marriage. He says he will go and I think I am seeing glimpses of how much he sees he has hurt me. He says he loves me and I know it is true.
Music helps me so much. Currently I am listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s BEAUTY WILL RISE. There is a song on there called Our God Is In Control
The lyrics go like this:
This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
But this is how it is
And our God is in control
This is not how it will be (at least in heaven)
When we finally will see
We’ll see with our own eyes
He was always in control
And we’ll sing HOLY, HOLY, HOLY IS OUR GOD
AND WE WILL FINALLY REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS
So we’ll sing HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is our GOD- while we’re waiting for that day
(Then I change the lyrics for myself
This is not WHERE I planned to be
When I started this journey
But this is where I am
AND MY GOD IS IN CONTROL
I pray you can listen to this song and that it might encourage you too.
OH Jackie and all the women on this part of the website. I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry that you live with the fact that you can’t meet your husbands needs (right now). That you live in world where you are bombarded with how most men think and desire their wives.
I am thankful for this website. I am thankful for my GOD- WHO IS IN CONTROL and I am thankful for Acts 27:25- TAKE COURAGE. I do want to stand before Jesus and hear him say “WELL DONE”.
Sorry this has been sooooo long. I have felt like I wanted to post a comment and when I read your story Jacke, I just has to assure you that you are not alone.
Much love and God’s greatest blessings to all of you dear women!!!!
Amy
Amy,
What a compelling story you have! Thank you for posting this today, as I know it will encourage many of the ladies who read this blog. You know, I don’t know why God allows certain things to happen in our lives, but I do know that His promises are YES! and AMEN! And He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. The promises He gave Abraham are ours this day.
I am so blessed to hear more about Him and His goodness, it confirms all I know about Him from my own experience, and that which He has revealed to us in His Word. I hope that we all will be encouraged to draw close to Him again and again! -R
Hi my ladies -
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. Probably because the last few times I posted my husband went online googling things, found the blog and got upset that I had posted some feelings he didn’t know about.
Well, things have changed since then. After months of seeking wisdom and counsel I have moved with my kids. I’m starting the divorce process and feel very peaceful about it. He however, is not pleased and I’m concerned that he’s going to make this a big battle in court. My kids are dealing with the transition as I expected. There’s a lot of emotion and acting out. What I didn’t expect was for me to feel so numb after I finally left. It was as if I had poured out so much the last few weeks at home that when we flew out I had nothing left to give. My parents have been great and my God has be awesome! I’m taking classes now to get recertified so that I can start working again. I’ve been out of my field for almost 6 years now. I know God has a job in place for me and the whens and wheres I’ve put at his feet and haven’t worried about them.
It’s funny how after going through something so tramatic that little things don’t seem so big after seeing what my God has brought me through.
My health is kicking my butt right now and once again I’m having to lean on the Lord knowing that in my own strength I couldn’t possibly work right now feeling the way I do. He’s in control. Thank goodness He’s in control.
I just wanted to update you all. I think about you often and pray for peace, wisdom, discernment and grace in your lives. I truly wish I was the only one on here blogging. I hate to see other lives torn apart by this sin. Stay strong in the Lord, my sisters. He is a mighty mighty God and He loves to hold us in His hands.
All my love,
Cate
Cate:
Good to hear from you again, and thanks for the update. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I know all of us will be keeping you and your kids in our prayers. Even though your marriage is ending, this is not the end — for you or your husband. I know that the Lord is able and will use even this in his life to work His will. God’s always faithful to do that — I don’t understand it, but I believe it. Ephesians 1:11 has become one of my favorite verses:
Stay in touch, Cate. Many Blessings. -R
This is the first time posting my story, but I know it has probably been told many times.
I met my husband in high school and feel very much in love with him, mostly because he was so different from my family. He loved to talk, he would pawn his stereo so he could take me out to dinner etc. He had a rough childhood and as a typical woman I felt a lot of compassion for him. Before I finished high school, which in Canada meant grade 13, I agreed to move in with him. Not coming from a Christian family I rebelled against my parents wishes and moved in with him. I knew that there was something strange about his behaviour as he seemed to have ‘unusual’ relationships with older men. Being very naive, I chose to ignore these signs and marry him in 1979.
In 1989 I gave my life to the Lord after moving to San Francisco. We have now been married for 30 years and have one daughter. Throughout our marriage I know he has been unfaithful to me countless of times but he was always very discreet and I often thought my suspicions were unwarranted, however, in the last 2 years he started to become less discreet and it became very obvious that he was having relationships with younger men. I have really struggled as a Christian what I should do. I have been praying for my husband for 20 years with little visual progress. My husband and I very rarely talked about this and even to today I am the only one who knows with the exception of those he has had relationships with. The few times I confronted him, it seemed he was sorry for his choices, even though nothing was verbally said so we kept going. But this time I knew I could not just keep sweeping this under the carpet. When I confronted him and told him that I wanted an honest and loving relationship he said “I can tell you that I will never be who you want me to be” OK, so where did that leave me? That night I decided it was time to separate. My husband still does not want to go to counselling and is still in denial. He is still expecting me to do things for him as if I am his wife. I can’t tell you how many books I have read on homosexuality and marriage, and how much varying advice that I am getting from my sisters in Christ. I am getting very confused. Some say that I never should have left (Lay your life down), some say unless he repents there is no use in staying or returning, others say tough love is what he needs. So far he has never had to deal with any of the consequences of his choices. I have always been there to hide behind. If it weren’t for God, I know I would be a basket case. I want the best for my husband but I feel he has not respected me and I have not respected myself in these years of marriage. He wants to tell our family that we just have irreconcilable differences. Any helps or comments would be appreciated.
Abiding in Christ,
Dana
Cate, it too has been a while since I have posted. I was in CT two weeks ago this past Monday to finalize the divorce. I am no longer married to my husband. I sat on the stand, and took the oath with the same kind of numbness. I also was surprised by the nothing-left to-give feeling. I am so grateful for the place God has brought me, knowing that I am under His care, that I am not Ok, and need Him desperately. What an amazing place to be in.
I know God is working in my ex-husband, and in me. My husband has been calling me and we have been talking, exchanging truths of past hurts and speaking openly about where things went wrong. He told me last night about riding in a cab yesterday where the cab driver began talking to him. The cab driver recognized his accent (he just moved to the South, we are are from the Northeast) and asked if he was new to the area. After explaining the divorce the cab driver began to pray out loud in the cab. And he told him that He should wait and be patient, telling him of his own seperation and divorce, and reconcillation to his wife. Encouraging my ex-husband to get close to Christ, and to depend on the Lord. And not an hour later he found out from his boss at work that his new client is the same pastor who had invited him to an Easter service just a few weeks ago. So even when things seem endlessly hopeless in the way of our marriages, God is working in ways we can’t see. I will continue to care more about my husbands soul than his sin, and hope that someone will continue to care more for my soul than my sin; and I will patiently wait for my God to do his work.
Cate, I hope you remain well, and that you can manage to lean on Jesus. You are strong, and lovely and I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure. But if you will let God, He can change you into a more amazing woman–more than you could imagine if you will let Him. His goal is to make us more like Him, and it is so much smoother if it is our goal too, to be more like Jesus. Change is hard, betrayal is worse, but the result in the end is sweeter than anything I have been through. Hugs from my kids are deeper, friendships are closer, and mistakes are forgiveness. This is larger than anything I have ever experienced. I will pray for you today, and everyday as you go on. Hang in there, Beautiful, you can do this, and I don’t mean divorce or self suffiency. I mean yielding to Jesus’ work in your heart. Love you, because I know you, I am you.
- Becky
Becky,
Thank you for sharing such an awesome story. God’s provision for you, and for your husband is amazing. I am reminded of this scripture, which so reassuring to me:
He is able to work even in the bad choices we’ve made, (or someone else has made for us) and work them into good. And as you said, He uses it to conform us more into His image. You list the ways that your life is more meaningful and deep, full of love and compassion. This is God’s work, Becky! So many people have become bitter, unforgiving, and vengeful when they go through something like this. But because you have allowed God to do His work in you first, the fruit of the Spirit is being lived out in you. This is His redemptive work! In fact, I would venture to say this is what the world wishes it could do, tries to do, but fails miserably at because without the work of the Spirit it is impossible.
I am so grateful that you have shared this with us. I hope that everyone who reads this will have renewed faith and hope in our Lord Jesus and will be encouraged to perservere. As it says in the book of James,
My husband has not come out and said he was gay but there is so much circumstantial evidence and comments by family members and significant others in his life that I am convinced of it. He doesn’t seem to have any remorse but rather seems to resent my awareness of it – we’ve been married 33 years. He is selfish towards me and I have been angry, hurt and bitter since finding out. I believe I am just camouflage for him. He says he wants us to have a loving marriage but no sex – not for over 15 years. He has a “friend” that is aggressive and controlling and pushy and seems to want a larger role in our life. I do not know what to do.
Fran,
You may have had the feeling that something has been wrong for a very long time, even before the type of evidence you say points to your husband being gay.
First, your husband wants to stay married but not bond with you sexually. Fran, “platonic” and “marriage” do not go together, and fifteen years is a long time to allow this situation to continue without addressing it. Have you gone to a counselor about this to try and find out why? This should have been sending up red flags for you a long time ago.
Secondly, your husband’s “friend” seems to be pushing the boundaries with you, and from what you are saying, he seems to feel entitled to impose and intrude on your life and marriage. That’s another red flag! This is disrespectful to you and your marriage, and it’s possible your husband is okay with it. After all, you’ve allowed his behavior to continue, and he may have no motivation to change it. Perhaps your freinds and family have been trying to point some things out to you that you have been unwilling to look at. At the very least, there is the issue of how you are viewed and treated by your husband, and at the more extreme, there is a very likely chance that what you suspect is true.
All of which means you need to speak immediately with a pastor or counselor that can help you confront these very important issues with your husband. Please don’t delay in making an appointment with someone. If you cannot find someone, I’d recommend you contact my husband’s office http://www.joedallas.com for information on counseling.
The counseling will help you sort out and give you support to make the next decisions. One thing is for sure, Fran. You don’t need to continue being treated this way.
Please check back with us here and let us know how you’re doing. We’ll be keeping you in prayer. -R
Hello Ladies,
I have been full circle with my husband’s issues. I have been married for 20 years. I found out his “secret” about encounters, relationships, porn, etc. 5 years ago. We read ALL of the books, the workbooks, went to all the websites, Exodus, Love Won Out, etc. He didn’t want that lifestyle. Continued with SSA weekly meetings. I stuck with him, supported him, made him accountable, questioned if he was struggling, kept his secret.
I truly wanted to work it out. He is truly a fatantastic liar! My teenage boys discovered gay porn and since we have found MUCH more! I just filed for divorce. I can’t save a marraige like this.
OF COURSE he says he wants it to work, but that’s because he’s had both ways for so long. My question is, will this Wifeboat group help me to recover myself without him? Is the group designed to work things out with your husband, or is it self-help for woman that want healing for themselves? I can not and will not stay in this situation any longer. I need a better example (or none at all) for my teenage boys. They are disgusted with him, not necessarily for the homosexual actiivities, as they are for the infidelity. I want to seek help for myself and them. I just need to know that there is no pressure to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I tried all of the avenues for repair but it didn’t work for us.
Amy:
I think that there comes a time when a wife has to say “Enough is enough!”, because despite all her best efforts, her husband does not have either the will or the maturity to keep his word to her and be faithful. Regardless of whether it’s SSA he’s struggling with (or flirting with) or porn, or any other sexual sin, we would never presume to pressure anyone to stay in a situation that is not healthy. In fact, we encourage everyone to pursue decisions that will lead to healing for themselves and thier families. Sometime pursuing healing means breaking off a destructive and disrespectful relationship. And if you look at the bulk of Biblcal teaching, I believe you’ll find that principle regularly taught.
The WifeBoat groups are designed for any wife who is in pain over her husband’s betrayal, regardless of the decision she may have made over her marriage. The issues of grief, trust, wounded self-confidence, finding purpose are all the same. We work on being safe and non judgemental in our groups, and since everyone can relate to your situation, you’ll get plenty of understanding! If you haven’t been able to talk about it (you mentioned keeping a secret), then I would encourage you to join us. That would go along way to moving in the direction of healing and “recovering yourself”.
Please let me know if you have any questions, Amy. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. -R
Amy,
I am so sorry for what you have gone through and what you are still experiencing. I, too, was married 21 years when I discovered almost 2 years ago that my husband had been involved with men most of our marriage. I had 3 teenage daughters who adored their dad. My husband is still attending meetings and I truly believe has made the decision to seek freedom. We are still together and I feel are making our way back to where I always thought we were. But it is a long process. In your case, it is almost like he has let you down again. I feel you are completely justified and free to make the break from him. I would and will do the same if I ever find that my husband is continuing. Our experiences are never what God intended for our marriages. Please know and trust that God is not at all surprised by what you are going through. By His grace and strength you will make it. It’s not easy, but you WILL make it. I will pray for you everyday that God will give you the strength to stand on your own and that God will keep you and your boys in His hand. I wish I could know you and be beside you as you travel this hard journey. But…you are not alone.
Its been since Nov since I have posted. My husband and I have been in recovery through overcomers at home program. All this time he said that he was recovering except for some slip ups with porn. Just this week he confessed that he has continued in same behavior but really feels God is working in his life. I had said that if this happened again I would leave. I’m praying because its so hard to give up on him when he says that he wants healing. I just don’t know how he wants healing and coninues be the same person. Please pray for me. I need Gods direction.
Good morning ladies, especially Jane, and Amy,
I feel deeply for you, while our situations are somewhat different, in many ways they are same. Amy, you asked whether this group will be here for you through living without him, I sound a huge “Yes” to you. My divorce was finalized just a month ago. I did not file for divorce, my husband did, but I was the one who went to court to finalize it. I believe when he filed he thought he was going to “show me” out of his anger that I discovered his secret. I found his page on a gay website 4 weeks after he left us, and when I confronted him over it he became irate and lied for almost a year, and ran full speed into whatever he thought would fill his void for Jesus. Many long months have passed, and while this website [WB] has been instrumental in my being able to live, I have also leaned on many people, and mostly on some scriptures that lead me to a bigger picture of my life in Christ.
When the hurt comes, the truth of betrayal that is, the things our spouses have done, or in many ways the things they havent done, the emotions run so high it feels like we might actually die from the pain. Trust me, you will not die from this. At times you might to wish you had, but you will not.
I have read a few books that have really helped me. The authors are John Eldredge, and his wife Stasi Eldredge, the books are “Captivating”, it is on a woman’s heart, and it has helped me to understand why I want my husband so badly, why I am looking to him to fulfill my needs. And it screams “me” on every page, weather we want to admit it or not we are covered in our slime from hurts not always inflicted by our husbands, but before we even said “I DO” It took me 3 tries to read the first two chapters, I just kept throwing the book across the room because the emotional issues kept leaping at me, realizing I could no longer pray for my husband’s healing without also looking at my junk that I brought to the marriage. My marriage didn’t fail soley because he’s gay and I’m perfect, it failed because we both fail and both need Jesus to just find our daily breathe. The book by John Eldredge “The Way of the Wild Heart” deals with the stages of a man’s life, it is not a book on homosexual struggles, it is a book on the stages from boyhood to old age. I began reading it because I figured I needed to know where in his process he was lost in becoming a solid man.
I also was willing to admit I don’t know how my husband works, his thoughts, his heart, his emotions, so I chose to read a book that speaks to the kind of man I want him to be, not the kind of man he is. It was very eye opening, and I found myself saying yes, that’s him, and yes that’s me. (Renee, if you have read these books I’d like your insights on them.)
The other good thing I did, was go to my doctor and get some anti-anxiety medication. Yeah I know I felt so embarrassed to finally admit I needed it. Isn’t the whole world medicated? I wanted to be strong enough without it, for the magical power of God’s love to just be enough, because He would really prove His love for me if he would just magically make me perfectly strong enough to handle this, it’s so unspiritual to lean on anything but Him right??
Well, the medicine helps me focus on my daily tasks, helps me be able to read my Bible, make breakfast for the kids, take a shower sometimes. It helps me sleep, and succeed at the all the little things that when I don’t do, I just heap more feelings of failure on myself. “Oh the clothes aren’t ironed, there’s dishes in the sink, I must be a failure, of course I chose a gay man, I can’t do these small things right, so It must be all me, after all he doesn’t choose these feelings… blah, blah blah..” The medication doesn’t keep me from feeling all the pain and hurt, I told my doctor I need to be able to still work through this pain or else I just mask it and end up dealing with it 20 years from now. The dose is low enough it slows me down so I can put things in perspective. Like morphine after surgery, My pain is temporary, Jesus will walk me through this, and I do have the option of getting better, and so do you my friends.
I also had to come to grips with why do I love my husband? How do I love him? I love my husband very conditionally, if he’s worthy of love he will meet the checklist of “Good Christian” be strong and brave, and he’ll change because he sees the value in me, I can be woman enough to make him want to change, I’ll prove his sin to him, show him all he’s doing wrong then he will change and come and rescue me from all the things I am afraid of, and “see” my heart and all will be well, we’ll frolic through fields of daisies, blissfully in love like our honeymoon, because he’ll be a “good” man. Well, baloney. I know when I put it in writing its really ridiculous what I think, although I would never say it. So I had to decide to say well Lord, I care more that you pursue him for himself, so his soul is rescued, like a homeless man on the street, I wouldn’t list all that’s wrong with him before I told him God cares for him, and wants him for Himsel. I can’t do that in sharing God’s love with my husband. I have to just keep asking Jesus to rescue his soul, Him being healed isn’t my reward, It’s Jesus reward. Jesus suffered on the Cross for My husband’s soul, not me, and Jesus deserves the reward of his suffering (and old-timey sermon by Paris Reidhead, I wish I were clever enough to come up with that revelation on my own, I am not… although I am clever enough to know when something hurts and I want to reject it, run away, it means I better dive in head first)I may get the benefits of him being healed and living a Godly life, but the reward is Christ’s alone. I trust that this moring you can seek out what makes your life Good, learn to love in your life deeper, and to not run from the agonizing pain of betrayal, but know that Jesus DOES know, and that His heart longs for you, because We too, are the rewards of all he has suffered. I have waited so long to be someone’s reward and once I realize my Jesus… well, the day is liveable, and even Joyous. If this divorce changes me into a better woman, mother, and friend than all isn’t lost, because I know Christ so much better than when I was married, and maybe when The whole puzzle is put together in God’s timing I can know that pain produces beauty if we yeild to the work. I want to be beautiful, don’t we all want that?
Hi, Ladies,
I have not posted since last year. A lot has happened since. My divorce was final February 3. I still get so choked up about typing those words. I did not file- he did. He is now living with his “partner” and for all I know they’re “married”. How do I ever get through this pain? I don’t understand how I ended up here- divorced after a 7 year marriage! I recently went through the DivorceCare class (which was very helpful), but I am struggling with forgiveness. I know I need to forgive both of them but it is SO hard. How dare he cheat on me? How dare he abandon me and our home? I don’t know how to let go of the memories, of the happiness we had. HELP!
Becky,
Thanks for sharing in such a transparent way. You are sharing something very beautiful, and very bittersweet. I think that’s much of what the Christian walk is about. But the beauty is there in you. Becky, we can “see” your heart. -R
Wendi:
I’m so sorry! I think forgiveness is often something you do and on a day-to- day, sometimes minute-by-minute basis. We make a decision of the will to forgive and by doing so are obedient to Christ, trusting that He is the healer of our souls. Please take a look at I Peter 5:7-10 and ask God to show you the reality of how he will “restore you, make you strong, firm and steadfast” as you cast all of these cares upon Him. I know He has an answer for you personally, Wendi, and I trust Him to show that to you. Hang in there, good sister! We love you much! -R
I appreciate all of the support and recommendations. I will continue to follow the posts and lean on the encouragements. He was not just my husband, but also my business partner and so that leads to even more difficulties. Money worries, working longer hours, and raising “well balanced young men”. I see that Wifeboat is on Tuesday nights?? My boys have a commitment on Tuesday nights that I need to attend until they can drive
Please continue to post. It’s so helpful knowing I’m not alone and that my feelings are honest.
amy
It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Part of the reason I have been “silent,” is because I have actually seen some improvement in my husband, and I did not want that to be discouraging, or hurtful to those who have not seen that growth in their own spouses. Don’t get me wrong. I still do not trust my husband, and I live each day with the knowledge that at anytime he could relapse, or just decide that recovery is too hard and give up. Leaving this man is not unthinkable. If he chooses the world over his God and his family, I will kick him out with no regret, no guilt, and no hesitation. I am worth so much more than that. So are my precious children. I wish he could see that he is, too.
There is still pain and brokeness. There is still bitterness and anger. Most of all, there is still shame…even though it should not be MY shame…I still feel it. Everywhere, everyday.
But sweet friends, God is so good. He has given me strength through the worst of times. And if my marriage crumbles completely, He will give me strength through that. As I said, there has been quite a bit of positive change in my husband and I am deeply grateful to God, and to his counselor, for the progress that has been made. But I am not naive enough to think that all is well and this is behind us for good.
Amy, you are NOT alone. Here you will find support, sympathy, empathy, compassion, and encouragement. We are all in your corner, sister. You must do whatever is best for you and your boys. You are setting a great example for them by showing them how to stand up for what is right, and not tolerating what is wrong. Do not doubt your decision regarding your marriage. God will never leave you nor forsake. He will carry you through!
I am sending you a giant cyber-hug!
Good Morning all my lovelies,
I have been so busy working and getting ready for school to end that I haven”t posted lately and for that I am sorry, because so many good things have been happening that I want to share.
God is ever working as Renee posted in a scripture she shared a few weeks back. My now ex-husband and I have been communicating in a way we haven’t since the first year we were married. We talk daily about where things went wrong, and about the endless mercy Christ has had for each of us. For the first time in many years I feel a tenderness and a openess toward him I haven’t since the stresses of life and the weight of sin first took a bite out of our friendship. He has invited me to visit him where he lives, and after some counsel from my pastor, and some serious crying with my best friend I have purchased a plane ticket to spend a few days with him. He and I both want to begin reconciling our hearts and our marriage to Christ, and eventually to one another.
While I am doing my best to not feel too excited, or like screaming THIS IS IT! I am emotionally overwhelmed, because I am reminded of my many tearful prayers for Jesus to find my husband’s heart and heal it, and to heal mine as well. I listen every night as my kids still pray for their Daddy to love Jesus again, and to love Mommy again. I am fearful of trusting my ex-husband, fearful that he may be confused about his feelings for me, and what he want he really wants. Fearful that if he fights depression to the degree I suspect he may only be on an upswing, and I will later be abandoned emotionally, and worse physically. But I am not fearful to trust my Jesus to be ever working in my heart, to answer all my tears with what is best for me. My ex-husband has been open, and sorry, and has asked for forgiveness. He has even asked my brothers and mother to forgive him for not being there for his children, and thanking them for all they have done to support us. That to me takes courage, and I am sure the beginning steps for him to leave homosexuality takes much courage. He has agreed to marriage counseling, and to each of us having personal counseling. There is a humbleness I have never heard before, and I feel somewhat in shock every time I hang up the phone, wondering if it is God working, or me being sucked into a dream of a fairy tale I seemed to have lost. So I will wait, and ask the Lord that no matter what happens, whether we are reconciled to each other or not, that we are first reconciled to HIM, and that this would happen if we are able to bring glory to Him. I do not want to do this unless all the pain we have gone through can draw others to Jesus. The weight of what seems to be happening is both glorious and frightening. I love you my friends.
Becky:
I know all of us will be praying for you to experience God’s wisdom during this time. You are in a good position, in that you have support from your family, pastor, and friends and they know the specifics of your situation. You are working on rebuilding your own life in the open, your support community is there for feedback and “reality checks” as needed. So as you seek the Lord, I believe you will get guidance through this, and discernment on the questions that posed above. Those are important, and have to be looked at realistically, so even as you move forward in hope, you also wait and observe.
As I read over your post and how you described your husband’s attutude now, I thought of a few scriptures, so perhaps there’s something there for you (and him) and for anyone reading that may be in a similar position. I don’t presume to know what God is saying to anyone personally, but feel lead to share these with you.
I have been married for almost 17 years. My husband and I have been Christians for longer than our marriage. We dated for a year and during this time he revealed to me that he had SSA feelings. However, he never acted on them and God healed him. I was only 23 and believed him. I never realized fully at that time he should have gotten counseling. So after prayer and premarital counseling we got married. Our marriage from the very beginning was not good, though it did have it’s moments.
I still had issues God needed to deal with in my life. He eventually told me that he had been acting out on SSA feelings. He told me that he wanted help and didn’t believe God made him this way. Therefore we sought help through Exodus and through sexual addiction group. Then one day he told me that he fell in love with another male who was also in the military. We continued on in our marriage and every place we went we were told that God had called us to the ministry.
I held onto this and continue to stay in this marriage. Most of all I loved him very much. But I did a very poor job in holding him accountable for his actions. Outwardly we looked like a perfect couple but it was a lie. In my own way I dealt with the pain of my marriage by throwning myself into my career. We moved again and doing these years we came together less and less. Eventually, it diminished to once a year and then not at all. However, he never got help for the SSA feelings due to shame. The leaders of the group revealed to me that my husband had been lieing about attending group. I was also going to group but only to get him fixed.
I finally dealt with my past hurts. I had attended wonderful ministry through my church and away in Ashville called Restoring the Foundations. For the first time in my life I had begin the process of becoming a complete person. I was actually experiencing true peace in my life. I could actually focus on my healing instead of my husband healing.
He moved to CA and in May 2008 he came back here to visit us. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore. He told me that he moved himself and his new partner who he met in 2007 with him. He stated that God made him this way. During the short time he was here I filed for seperation and obtain a lawyer. I was just trying to protect myself and our kids.
Our kids (13, 12) know the whole truth but they still love their father. I do encourage them to pray for him and to still respect him as their father. They have both gone through counseling and will be going back. In addition, I filed for divorce and my date to go through with the divorce is June 8. Part of me wants to end it and another part of me doesn’t. I am not in love with him but I still love him because of what we once shared. But inside of me I know that there is no hope of reconcillation now. I know if he did come back and repented, I would consider it. But he shows no signs of repentance or remorse. So at this point I am attempting to figure out the path to take. My son is encouraging me to go through and divorce his dad. My daughter is okay with this also. I am the only one having this struggle. Anyway, I need prayer in regards to doing what God wants me to do. I am glad that the Lord led me to this website. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey.
Very new to your site. Was referred to it by a counselor. Needing to know that there are others who are going thru this, How to make it thru this? My husband is in denial of his SSA nad refuses to admit it. I have lived with the fear for almost 1 1/2 years. I know there is a problem and counselors who know this area have told me I am not crazy. This letter from this woman gives me hope as I seek peace from God and divine guidance. He left almost 8 months ago but will not get a divorce. So I am left wondering what to do and also fears of what he is doing and how it will affect my life. Your counsel helps. Thank you
Hi Ladies,
Thanks for putting your lives out here for people like me who think they are alone in this. I’ve been married almost 10 years and have decided that I cannot “start over” with my husband again. He told me before we got married that he had confusion about his sexuality, but I didn’t realize the depth of it.
He was a leader at the church we attended and had been for many years before we met. He said that he had told our Pastor “everything” and he was getting rid of any confusion that was left through an Exodus ministry. I looked through the testimonies on their website and found so many people who had overcome big problems that I thought my husband’s minor struggle was nothing.
Fast forward 6 months into marriage. I was 2 months pregnant with our first (of 2) boys. He was arrested for soliciting a male prostitute in another state. He told me that it was a misunderstanding and that he was just “in the wrong place at the wrong time” at that time I had no reason to doubt him. However shortly after I began to get an eyeful of gay porn on our computer and our budding marital relationship was changing forever. Instead of developing sexual and non-sexual intimacy we had shame and guilt.
There was never a time when he said “this is who I am” or “this is all I can give you” I was given an picture of an ideal man that lived inside him that I could “draw out” if I tried. So I focused on kids and domestic life and tried drawing out this elusive husband I married. Everytime I was dissappointed I couldn’t ever say that it was because of his “issues” it was always my failure to “draw him out”. After the birth of our second son the dissappointment intensified and I began to consider that it may be more his inability to be a husband to me that my ability to draw it out. I told a close friend about the homosexual stuff that was there early in our marriage but she didn’t have any advice and never spoke of it again. It would be two years before we sought counseling.
There have been many difficult moments in our marriage. I don’t feel any security when I’m with him. It’s like I don’t even know him. I’ve gone around many times trying to blame myself for all that’s happened but now that I’ve talked to my famiy and a professional counselor I’m starting to realize that what he expected of me was not only unfair it was more than God expected of me.
I told him a couple weeks ago that I was a separation and he’s not taking it very well. I’m finding that I have to lay down very strict boundries and not let him wear me down. I’m hurting mostly for my boys, because I think his decietful ways will hurt them if we continue to stay. I know that I’m getting the help I need to look forward, but would apprieciate prayers for me and the boys.
Has anyone else been in the situation where you know the sexual relationship is “not right” but your husband just won’t admit to homosexuality? What did you do? Have you learned to trust your own judgement again?
Thanks,
Jeanne
Jeanne, my heart is heavy for you. This is such unbelievable pain. Unless a person has experienced it themselves, they cannot possibly comprehend the far reaching effects and the depth of this agony.
I never had a clue my husband had sexual issues. Never. He was a faithful Christian and we shared our beliefs and dedication to Christ…or so I was led to believe. Until Sept. of 2008 (11 years into our marriage), I had no idea my husband had a SSA. I did know something was wrong with him, but I didn’t know what. I thought maybe he had a secret alcohol problem, or suffered from severe depression, but nothing ever indicated a sexual issue. We didn’t engage in physical intimacy very often, but I thought it was because he was physically exhausted all the time as a result of his job. Much of it requires heavy manual labot. When I discovered his secret, I felt shame, humiliation, stupidity, betrayal, disgust…..just to name a few. It took a long time to realize his problem had NOTHING to do with me. I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t fix it, and I wasn’t the one who had created it or the enormous gap in our marriage. My husband did admit his problem. He has sought help, but we are no where near healed.
To answer your question, I do still doubt my judgement…in almost all things now. This was not my fault, and people who have been hiding secrets for years are PROS!! My husband is a champion secret-keeper. That does not mean I have poor judgement. It just means he was exellent at keeping those who loved him in the dark. God is helping me trust myself again. He is helping me through each and every day. And most importantly, he is helping me protect my kids. Like you, I have two boys….11 and 6. They have no idea there has been any kind of problem at all. I pray that if and when they do find out, it will be MANY years from now. God will help me cross that bridge when I find myself upon it.
I will pray for you and your family. Lean on the Lord and He will give you direction. Although I am currently still with my spouse, divorce is not a dead issue. It is still very much a possiblity. You are NOT alone. Believe it.
Dear Jeanne,
I will pray for you and your family. The women who bear their hearts on this site may not all have the same stories, but the threads that run through the lives of these of women are the same. Betrayal, lies, pain, rejection and immense feelings of shame and confusion. My story is long, and you can read it by looking over past posts. I can’t tell what you should do, I can tell you that in my experience, I was never able to draw out the man I married once he lapsed into acting out. Just this past month i made a trip to the south to where he lives. ( this is for everyone who has supported me for so long)
he had been saying such great things since easter. we were really connecting again. He was explaining he was sorry, wrong, going to counseling, and trying. He wanted me to come see him, to spend sometime “seeing” him, and working it out, no kids, no overbearing family, just he and I. well, the trip was disappointing, and hurtful to say the least.
We went out to downtown the first night, he wanted me to see all the places he had done work in, and by the end of the night he was stumbling drunk, he even fell out of the cab and walked into traffic. i had to get us back uptown after the parking lot we parked in gated us in. Then once I got us back he passed out, and when he received a text from a guy saying ” hey baby, I’m going to bed I love you” i just realized that I wanted to believe the lies as much as he wanted me to. and the next a.m. he started doing shots of tequila at 7 in the morning. I quickly made some flight arrangements and cut my visit 2 days short. I drew some clear boundaries as I left, go to AA, and find some christian counseling. And I have not talked with him since in nearly a month. i can’t because i like you keep thinking that my goodness, and my unconditional love might make him want to be a better, healthier man. And the truth for anyone who is not who they could be, is that with out Christ’s conviction, we wallow. It doesn’t feel like an even playing field, my hang ups compared to his homosexuality, adultry, and lying… but the truth remains, sin separates us from Christ, and THAt is what causes ALL of us to fail. I must focus on who I want to be, and keep laying MYSELF at the foot of the cross. sounds so phenomonally spritual I know…..and frankly I am tired of the overly spiritual cliche’s. My ex-husband is responsible for his choices, and myself my own. When i lay down at night I cry, and surrender all the pain, and decide what I want, who i want to be, and decide what it takes to get there. That is all I can do. I do not want to be married to someone who doesn’t have enough respect for me to be even half-truthful, and to keep enduring the shock of the cheating, the lies, will only leave me fighting the same fight inside myself, and with him. This visit was sealing for me, there can be nothing left to work out, if only one of is working towards it.
i will pray that you can be strong enough to either stay with someone who keeps causing pain, and wait it out, or that you can be strong enough to lay down the boundaries and remain with in them till you see change worth leaving those boundaries for. My heart goes out to you, i don’t know you, and I may never lay eyes on your face, but believe me Jeanne, i KNOW you.
Love and Prayers
Becky
I have read all the posts, and it has given me courage to write down my problem. I have been married for 23 years and when I met my husband he said he had some gay encounters but said it was just a teenage thing.
I believed him, but over the years, there is more and more evidence that he has been cheating with men for a very long time. He was caught in a public toilet when my son was just a few months old and my daughter 18 months. He said it was all a mistake and the police officer was lying. I believed him. Over all our marriage I have found condoms in his jacket pockets. I feel like a stupid fool being so trusting and believing. We stopped having sex 5 years ago, he said he cannot stand fat women as I have put on weight because of the worry. The latest is I found a large box full of gay porn in his closet and a gay toy in his jacket pocket along with condoms. He was away at a conference when I found them and when he returned, I challenged him on it. He said it was his business and showed no sorrow at all. I sat on the floor and cried for two days. I made him throw the porn out. Next month it was all back again.
He went to Europe and shared a room with a man too. I filed for divorce and it is almost final. The worse thing is this man is a minister and preaches each week and serves communion and sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. He just says God will forgive him. Please, please could anyone give me advice what to do? Should I tell any one? What about the people he is misleading? He says he does not believe in homosexuality and hides behind his collar. I feel sick, angry and confused. Any advice please. I know God does not want this for me. I am living with my Mother now… and tyring to rebuild my life.
I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Although I don’t know the details of your relationship, it sounds like this has been an on-going problem which has never been outwardly addressed with your husband; and it sounds like you have never felt you were able to confide in anyone about this. Again, because I don’t know about your situation specifically or much about your particular denomination, I can only offer a few suggestions and ask a few questions:
Are you currently active in the church, in terms of serving, volunteering, women’s Bible Study groups, etc? I ask this because it seems like you don’t feel you have any way to counter your husband’s misinformation about you. If you have solid friendships and safe relationships whereby you can confide in someone, it would help your own self-confidence in your perceptions about what is going on and help you to take action. If you don’t have any of that, I would highly recommend either getting into counseling with a Christian counselor or pastoral counselor as soon as possible (perhaps at another church, since your husband is on staff at your church). From there, I would get help to sort this out so that you can take steps to protect yourself financially and emotionally, and then determine if it would be appropriate to talk with the Elders at the church where your husband serves.
If that church’s position on homosexuality is a Biblical conservative point of view, they would be very concerned to learn about a leader engaging in ongoing sexual sin. The church should be concerned about this and it’s effect on the health of the church at large, it’s possibility of affecting others who attend. The church leadership has a responsibility, in fact, a mandate from Christ, to protect the flock and not allow it to be deceived or otherwise taken advantage of. So please, after consulting with a good Christian counselor, consider talking with the Elders about the reasons for your pending divorce. (I assume that the leadership know about this pending divorce as it should be a major concern when a staff person at a church is going through divorce.)
It’s also possible that your husband is trying to deflect his own responsibility for the divorce by criticizing you for any perceived shortcomings. If he is able to weaken other people’s opinion of you, he may think he’ll be able to come out looking better. But you also need to step up and take responsibility for not saying anything for all these years and allowing the perception to continue that your husband is living a life of integrity. God holds us just as responsible for allowing evil, just as He holds those who perpetrate it responsible. I know this may be hard to hear, but I hope you take it in the spirit of concern and love.
Your posting here is an indication that you want to do the right thing. So please take the steps I’ve listed above. If you don’t find anyone you are able to counsel with, you may contact me again and we can set up an Individual Support phone sessions.
God cares about you, and will give you the strength to follow through. I’ll be keeping you in prayer, my sister! Please let me know how you’re doing. -R
Thank you for all the words of encouragement and support. Louise I hear your heart and feel your pain. Since I’m currently in the rough seas of my own problems I don’t have tried and true advice, but if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that you (and I) can’t do this alone.
My prayer today is that we will look toward Christ Jesus and lean on His love. My husband of 14 years has also admitted to SSA and some indiscretion within our marriage. I knew about his SSA when we were teenagers and I never thought after we got married he would ever struggle with this again. It was my own temptations and discontentment with our marriage that lead me to wonder if my husband was doing alright with his physiological issue- and he was not. I believe that SSA is like a behaviorally learned response. My husband was molested as a very small child, then seduced by a young man in the choir of his church when he was just a teenager. He is also a Christian and has been in leadership in the organized church. He quickly got himself out of his leadership position after finding himself struggling with his old issues again. It hurt my pride and my ideal of what our marriage was so much when I found out, but his issue is not about me. Their issue is not about us!!!! It is not about our attractiveness or our abilities to love. It is about their hurtful and harmful pasts and sometimes present. Their struggles have to be brought into the light so that their healing can take place. Don’t help your loved one keep their sin in the darkness. It is your business to take it to Jesus, your adult church family, your adult family members, and any other authority in your loved ones life so that what is in the darkness may be brought to the light of Jesus for the purposes of healing. We must love with full confidence that Jesus’ sacrifice can cover any and every sin and His power is strong enough to heal the weakest of hearts. I can not say that I have not had feelings of revenge- fantasies about having followed through with my temptations of having indiscretions or even trying lesbianism (GROSS!!!), just to get back at him! In other words, I thought of wounding myself sexually because I thought of revenge. DO NOT DO THAT!!! You may be alright with wounding yourself this way, but believe me, you would wound others in the process. Do not feed sexual dysfunction. Bring it to light. If you do not have sexual issues yourself, be glad! Being attracted to your husband is normal, him not being attracted to you is HIS abnormality. If you are frustrated because your man can’t connect with you because of his confusion, surround yourself with strong women of the faith whom you can be explicitly honest with and allow them to pray for and care for you. Care for yourself and allow the Lover of Your Soul (Jesus) to care and feed your deepest needs and longings.
Zoe:
What you said is so important – surrounding yourself with strong women of faith and allowing yourself to be cared for by them and other Christians is so essential. I am so glad you are in a community where you are able to express honestly what you are going through and are able to get the support you need. Thank you for sharing that with us, as so many who read this blog are so fearful of telling anybody of what they are going through.
This brings up the importance of safe people — we want to be sure that we seek care from those who are strong, and caring and safe. So, if any of you out there don’t feel confident that you have a place like this to go, please write into this blog, look into one of our support groups, and please learn how to take care of yourself in the Lord. As Zoe says at the end of her post, Jesus is the Lover of your Soul and He wants to care and feed your deepest needs. And the Body of Christ can be His facilitator in times when you need some help finding Him.
Thanks, Zoe, and blessings! -R
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