This brings up the importance of safe people — we want to be sure that we seek care from those who are strong, and caring and safe. So, if any of you out there don’t feel confident that you have a place like this to go, please write into this blog, look into one of our support groups, and please learn how to take care of yourself in the Lord. As Zoe says at the end of her post, Jesus is the Lover of your Soul and He wants to care and feed your deepest needs. And the Body of Christ can be His facilitator in times when you need some help finding Him.

Thanks, Zoe, and blessings! -R

Are you currently active in the church, in terms of serving, volunteering, women’s Bible Study groups, etc? I ask this because it seems like you don’t feel you have any way to counter your husband’s misinformation about you. If you have solid friendships and safe relationships whereby you can confide in someone, it would help your own self-confidence in your perceptions about what is going on and help you to take action. If you don’t have any of that, I would highly recommend either getting into counseling with a Christian counselor or pastoral counselor as soon as possible (perhaps at another church, since your husband is on staff at your church). From there, I would get help to sort this out so that you can take steps to protect yourself financially and emotionally, and then determine if it would be appropriate to talk with the Elders at the church where your husband serves.

If that church’s position on homosexuality is a Biblical conservative point of view, they would be very concerned to learn about a leader engaging in ongoing sexual sin. The church should be concerned about this and it’s effect on the health of the church at large, it’s possibility of affecting others who attend. The church leadership has a responsibility, in fact, a mandate from Christ, to protect the flock and not allow it to be deceived or otherwise taken advantage of. So please, after consulting with a good Christian counselor, consider talking with the Elders about the reasons for your pending divorce. (I assume that the leadership know about this pending divorce as it should be a major concern when a staff person at a church is going through divorce.)

It’s also possible that your husband is trying to deflect his own responsibility for the divorce by criticizing you for any perceived shortcomings. If he is able to weaken other people’s opinion of you, he may think he’ll be able to come out looking better. But you also need to step up and take responsibility for not saying anything for all these years and allowing the perception to continue that your husband is living a life of integrity. God holds us just as responsible for allowing evil, just as He holds those who perpetrate it responsible. I know this may be hard to hear, but I hope you take it in the spirit of concern and love.

Your posting here is an indication that you want to do the right thing. So please take the steps I’ve listed above. If you don’t find anyone you are able to counsel with, you may contact me again and we can set up an Individual Support phone sessions.

God cares about you, and will give you the strength to follow through. I’ll be keeping you in prayer, my sister! Please let me know how you’re doing. -R

I believed him, but over the years, there is more and more evidence that he has been cheating with men for a very long time. He was caught in a public toilet when my son was just a few months old and my daughter 18 months. He said it was all a mistake and the police officer was lying. I believed him. Over all our marriage I have found condoms in his jacket pockets. I feel like a stupid fool being so trusting and believing. We stopped having sex 5 years ago, he said he cannot stand fat women as I have put on weight because of the worry. The latest is I found a large box full of gay porn in his closet and a gay toy in his jacket pocket along with condoms. He was away at a conference when I found them and when he returned, I challenged him on it. He said it was his business and showed no sorrow at all. I sat on the floor and cried for two days. I made him throw the porn out. Next month it was all back again.

He went to Europe and shared a room with a man too. I filed for divorce and it is almost final. The worse thing is this man is a minister and preaches each week and serves communion and sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. He just says God will forgive him. Please, please could anyone give me advice what to do? Should I tell any one? What about the people he is misleading? He says he does not believe in homosexuality and hides behind his collar. I feel sick, angry and confused. Any advice please. I know God does not want this for me. I am living with my Mother now… and tyring to rebuild my life.

I never had a clue my husband had sexual issues. Never. He was a faithful Christian and we shared our beliefs and dedication to Christ…or so I was led to believe. Until Sept. of 2008 (11 years into our marriage), I had no idea my husband had a SSA. I did know something was wrong with him, but I didn’t know what. I thought maybe he had a secret alcohol problem, or suffered from severe depression, but nothing ever indicated a sexual issue. We didn’t engage in physical intimacy very often, but I thought it was because he was physically exhausted all the time as a result of his job. Much of it requires heavy manual labot. When I discovered his secret, I felt shame, humiliation, stupidity, betrayal, disgust…..just to name a few. It took a long time to realize his problem had NOTHING to do with me. I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t fix it, and I wasn’t the one who had created it or the enormous gap in our marriage. My husband did admit his problem. He has sought help, but we are no where near healed.

To answer your question, I do still doubt my judgement…in almost all things now. This was not my fault, and people who have been hiding secrets for years are PROS!! My husband is a champion secret-keeper. That does not mean I have poor judgement. It just means he was exellent at keeping those who loved him in the dark. God is helping me trust myself again. He is helping me through each and every day. And most importantly, he is helping me protect my kids. Like you, I have two boys….11 and 6. They have no idea there has been any kind of problem at all. I pray that if and when they do find out, it will be MANY years from now. God will help me cross that bridge when I find myself upon it.

I will pray for you and your family. Lean on the Lord and He will give you direction. Although I am currently still with my spouse, divorce is not a dead issue. It is still very much a possiblity. You are NOT alone. Believe it.

Thanks for putting your lives out here for people like me who think they are alone in this. I’ve been married almost 10 years and have decided that I cannot “start over” with my husband again. He told me before we got married that he had confusion about his sexuality, but I didn’t realize the depth of it.

He was a leader at the church we attended and had been for many years before we met. He said that he had told our Pastor “everything” and he was getting rid of any confusion that was left through an Exodus ministry. I looked through the testimonies on their website and found so many people who had overcome big problems that I thought my husband’s minor struggle was nothing.

Fast forward 6 months into marriage. I was 2 months pregnant with our first (of 2) boys. He was arrested for soliciting a male prostitute in another state. He told me that it was a misunderstanding and that he was just “in the wrong place at the wrong time” at that time I had no reason to doubt him. However shortly after I began to get an eyeful of gay porn on our computer and our budding marital relationship was changing forever. Instead of developing sexual and non-sexual intimacy we had shame and guilt.

There was never a time when he said “this is who I am” or “this is all I can give you” I was given an picture of an ideal man that lived inside him that I could “draw out” if I tried. So I focused on kids and domestic life and tried drawing out this elusive husband I married. Everytime I was dissappointed I couldn’t ever say that it was because of his “issues” it was always my failure to “draw him out”. After the birth of our second son the dissappointment intensified and I began to consider that it may be more his inability to be a husband to me that my ability to draw it out. I told a close friend about the homosexual stuff that was there early in our marriage but she didn’t have any advice and never spoke of it again. It would be two years before we sought counseling.

There have been many difficult moments in our marriage. I don’t feel any security when I’m with him. It’s like I don’t even know him. I’ve gone around many times trying to blame myself for all that’s happened but now that I’ve talked to my famiy and a professional counselor I’m starting to realize that what he expected of me was not only unfair it was more than God expected of me.

I told him a couple weeks ago that I was a separation and he’s not taking it very well. I’m finding that I have to lay down very strict boundries and not let him wear me down. I’m hurting mostly for my boys, because I think his decietful ways will hurt them if we continue to stay. I know that I’m getting the help I need to look forward, but would apprieciate prayers for me and the boys.

Has anyone else been in the situation where you know the sexual relationship is “not right” but your husband just won’t admit to homosexuality? What did you do? Have you learned to trust your own judgement again?

Thanks,
Jeanne

I held onto this and continue to stay in this marriage. Most of all I loved him very much. But I did a very poor job in holding him accountable for his actions. Outwardly we looked like a perfect couple but it was a lie. In my own way I dealt with the pain of my marriage by throwning myself into my career. We moved again and doing these years we came together less and less. Eventually, it diminished to once a year and then not at all. However, he never got help for the SSA feelings due to shame. The leaders of the group revealed to me that my husband had been lieing about attending group. I was also going to group but only to get him fixed.

I finally dealt with my past hurts. I had attended wonderful ministry through my church and away in Ashville called Restoring the Foundations. For the first time in my life I had begin the process of becoming a complete person. I was actually experiencing true peace in my life. I could actually focus on my healing instead of my husband healing.

He moved to CA and in May 2008 he came back here to visit us. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore. He told me that he moved himself and his new partner who he met in 2007 with him. He stated that God made him this way. During the short time he was here I filed for seperation and obtain a lawyer. I was just trying to protect myself and our kids.

Our kids (13, 12) know the whole truth but they still love their father. I do encourage them to pray for him and to still respect him as their father. They have both gone through counseling and will be going back. In addition, I filed for divorce and my date to go through with the divorce is June 8. Part of me wants to end it and another part of me doesn’t. I am not in love with him but I still love him because of what we once shared. But inside of me I know that there is no hope of reconcillation now. I know if he did come back and repented, I would consider it. But he shows no signs of repentance or remorse. So at this point I am attempting to figure out the path to take. My son is encouraging me to go through and divorce his dad. My daughter is okay with this also. I am the only one having this struggle. Anyway, I need prayer in regards to doing what God wants me to do. I am glad that the Lord led me to this website. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey.