You’ve been betrayed, and you know you have to forgive. But does that mean you also have to trust? What’s the difference? This is a dilemma I hope we can sort out together. Let me give you my take on it:
1. You can decide to forgive your husband. In fact, no matter how deeply he’s hurt you, the Lord’s commandment on this is clear (Mark 11:24-25, 26) and there’s no “escape clause” in these verses for angry, hurting wives. If you read these verses, you’ll see Jesus teaching that unforgiveness stands in the way of answered prayer! We all want our prayers answered, so please reconsider if you’re holding on stubbornly and refusing to pardon. Plus, the text goes on to say that if you don’t forgive (him), He won’t forgive you!
2. To forgive doesn’t mean to pretend you’re not angry or hurt, nor does it mean you can’t establish boundaries or terms when necessary. But it does mean you give up the right to punish your husband, retaliate against him, keep bringing his sin up, or “rub his nose in his it.”
3. Forgiveness is ongoing. Sometimes you have to renew the decision to forgive several times a day, I know. But when you feel you can’t go on, remember that a decision to forgive is an act of faith and trust in God—in His ways, His faithfulness and His promises to you.
4. You can’t necessarily decide to trust. Think about it –if the pilot of an airplane crashed the plane you were on, and you survived, you could forgive him. But it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to jump right back onto another plane with him! You’d be pretty nervous and uneasy. Forgive him? Okay. But that doesn’t mean you’re ready to put yourself in his hands again.
Trust is Not Blind
Trust is not trust if it is placed blindly. God Himself doesn’t demand that of us. It’s not consistent with His character. He asks us to trust and believe in Him based on His own demonstrated faithfulness and credibility. And so it is in marriage: in order to begin to trust again, we have the right to expect that our husbands begin to demonstrate faithfulness and credibility, especially after a betrayal.
So talk this over with your husband. Explain that you will decide to forgive, but trust, once it’s been broken, has to be rebuilt. And that takes time. In the clearest terms possible, tell him what you need to see him do in order for you to begin trusting him again. This should include him getting some accountability, both of you going to couple’s counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor, and you seeing your husband take his walk with God seriously by building himself up in prayer and in the Word.
It Takes Times and Consistency
My husband often tells his clients that time and consistency are the two elements that rebuild trust. Over a period of time, if you see your husband consistently apply himself to addressing the damage he’s done by putting in place structure and relationships that will keep him accountable, and working towards seeing that it never happens again, you can (and will) trust again.
Key Verse
“He has shown you, O [wo]man 
what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
-Micah 6:8
Resources
The Game Plan: The Men’s Thirty Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity
by Joe Dallas
Two-Day Counseling Intensives (Men and Couples)
with Joe Dallas
I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography
by Clay and Renee Crosse
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I have recently come to believe that my husband struggles with SSA. It’s been 3 years since I first suspected. He still denies it adamantly.We have gone thru some awful times in those 3 years.I love him and do not want a divorce but I’m not sure I can take much more.I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and I want to do his will.Where do I go from here? -Karen
Karen,
I’m so sorry to hear about the rough time you have been having in your marriage. If you’ve asked your husband and he denies he’s having SSA, are you able to talk more with him about your feelings? Or is the communcation just shut down? You don’t mention the specifics of why you can’t take much more, but I suspect that lack of communication is part of it. Have you suggested counseling to him?
If he does not want to go, perhaps you should consider getting some for yourself. The buden you’re carrying is too much, and you need someone to help you sort out things and to comfort you. Talking with someone can give your perspective and help you get a sense of control that you may not be feeling right now. I think that’s when we get most depressed — when we don’t feel like we have any options, and we have no one to understand us and grieve with us. I hope you’ll look into counseling with your pastor or women’s minstry leaders, or even a trusted friend. If you haven’t already done so, please check out my WifeBoat Just for Today list, because I think that will help give you some things to do to help you get through this situation. Here’s the link to it — you can print out the pdf version and keep it onhand. WifeBoat Just for Today List
Karen, I hope you’ll check back with us here to let us know how you’re doing… the women on this blog have responded to each other in a very caring way and I know they would like to know how you’re doing, and so would I. Please take good care of yourself. -R
Karen, I feel your frustration.I have suspected for over three years that my husband has SSA, especially since he finally admitted that he had been in homosexuality before he met me.It has been awful for us too and the way I would describe my feelings would be feelings of panic at times, flight, and being caged with no way of escape. I, like you, don’t want a divorce. After all, I’ve invested 23 years into this, and I don’t want our kids to come from a broken home. I don’t know if your husband is willing to go to counseling but it would be a big help if he were. My husband refuses and says he has rehabilitated himself so he doesn’t need it. Renee wrote above about trust and forgiveness and it has been a big help to me. Find a counselor and go, even if it’s every other week. Things can become clearer when you can talk to someone you trust. Get a support for yourself. I’ll be praying for you.
I am so glad to not feel alone. I too recently found out about my husband’s SSA. He swears that it has never gotten physical. He has admitted to internet porn. I am struggling with the “why me?” I had no signs, it just finally came out. We have always had a good relationship, a good sex life, a deep friendship – I am still in shock. Do the questions ever go away??? I want to keep asking him the same ones over and over. and to God I want to ask, why me? I am a nice girl from a great Christian home. We have 2 yong children. He is already starting counseling so that is a step in the ight direction. He also is going to go a men’s healing retreat in a few weeks. I am hopeful that he is see some healing, but do his desires ever go away? I am also not interested in divorce, that seems a worse option at the moment. Thank you for allowing me to vent. I hope to see more replies soon. All you women and your stories are truly a blessing to me.
You are not alone, Macie. This is a fantastic network of ladies who are here for you, praying for you. So glad your husband will be getting some help. You will need it too!
Thank you for all of your stories. I do not feel alone but I wonder still if anybody understands my plight is very different. My husband was at a very low point in his life an considered suicide because he didn’t think I cared about him. He said he had SSA before but thought that he might could find a friend that would understand him more. He now has a gay friend whom I feel they have been physical with each other. He says he wants to work on our marriage but cannot trust me about caring for him and refusses to give up the friendship with the gay guy. I don’t want a divorce but I am having trouble excepting a friendship between the 2 of them. I don’t have the courage yet to tell him he has to do anything.
Kathy:
Please take a look at the posts under SSA topics to get more of other women’s feedback and comments. I hope this will be helpful to you. Stay in touch. -R