Comments on: Questions Wounded Wives Ask Part II http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/ Safety.Community.Direction Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:22:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.4 By: cathy http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2951 cathy Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:08:26 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2951 I hope everyone is okay this week. I feel raw as I navigate the holidays with the kids. I keep praying for clarity of thought and the strength to go on each day. I hope everyone is okay this week. I feel raw as I navigate the holidays with the kids. I keep praying for clarity of thought and the strength to go on each day.

]]> By: Renee http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2897 Renee Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:35:48 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2897 Kathy: Good to hear you've found a place to get support. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. -R Kathy:
Good to hear you’ve found a place to get support. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. -R

]]> By: Kathy http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2895 Kathy Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:00:46 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2895 Hi Renee, I have found a Freedom Recovery program/study, and they have a group called "The Betrayed Heart"...for women who have experienced infidelity of all types...I believe this will help alot. I have never had another wife to talk to in this setting. I will keep in touch. Kathy Hi Renee,
I have found a Freedom Recovery program/study, and they have a group called “The Betrayed Heart”…for women who have experienced infidelity of all types…I believe this will help alot. I have never had another wife to talk to in this setting. I will keep in touch. Kathy

]]> By: Renee http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2768 Renee Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:45:34 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2768 Kathy: That last question is the one that will take time for you to answer for yourself. I think you'll need to take the first step, and that is, getting support. I'd suggest a good Christian counselor or pastoral counselor, and even a support group. WifeBoat will be starting up a new round of support groups in January, which I hope you'll look into. The group provides a combination of teaching, journaling questions and group support. (I should have a new banner ad up on this site within a week). But you can't do this alone, Kathy. Isolation is probably the worst thing, but hearing from other women who are dealing with the same things really helps give you insight. Thanks for writing back, Kathy. Please stay in touch. -R Kathy:
That last question is the one that will take time for you to answer for yourself. I think you’ll need to take the first step, and that is, getting support. I’d suggest a good Christian counselor or pastoral counselor, and even a support group. WifeBoat will be starting up a new round of support groups in January, which I hope you’ll look into. The group provides a combination of teaching, journaling questions and group support. (I should have a new banner ad up on this site within a week). But you can’t do this alone, Kathy. Isolation is probably the worst thing, but hearing from other women who are dealing with the same things really helps give you insight.

Thanks for writing back, Kathy. Please stay in touch. -R

]]> By: Kathy http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2765 Kathy Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:53:29 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2765 Thank you Renee for praying for me and being a support to so many women walking out and working out their salvation on such a road as this. Yes, you are right I have lost any sense of self confidencee in these past 10 years or so.... What rights do I have? kathy Thank you Renee for praying for me and being a support to so many women walking out and working out their salvation on such a road as this. Yes, you are right I have lost any sense of self confidencee in these past 10 years or so….
What rights do I have?
kathy

]]> By: Renee http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2692 Renee Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:45:00 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2692 Kathy: I'm glad to hear that you're in counseling and I hope that you'll be able to find direction, insight and hope through it. There is alot to sort out about what's happened over the years in your marriage, but from the questions you're asking, it seems like you want to know if it's okay now to be concerned about your own welfare. Perhaps the years of infidelity and your husband's subsequent depression have confused your sense of confidence in yourself. It's something that happens alot when women are in these situations, especially for such extended periods of time. Ultimately, only you can make the decisions about what's right for you and I pray you'll find the clarity and courage to make those decisions. God has told us to love and sacrifice for one another, yes. But not at the expense of our own integrity. So, what, as a good steward of your own life, is He wanting from you now? I"ll be praying for you, Kathy. God grant you wisdom, grace, and peace. Keep in touch, and take good care of yourself. -R Kathy:
I’m glad to hear that you’re in counseling and I hope that you’ll be able to find direction, insight and hope through it. There is alot to sort out about what’s happened over the years in your marriage, but from the questions you’re asking, it seems like you want to know if it’s okay now to be concerned about your own welfare. Perhaps the years of infidelity and your husband’s subsequent depression have confused your sense of confidence in yourself. It’s something that happens alot when women are in these situations, especially for such extended periods of time. Ultimately, only you can make the decisions about what’s right for you and I pray you’ll find the clarity and courage to make those decisions. God has told us to love and sacrifice for one another, yes. But not at the expense of our own integrity. So, what, as a good steward of your own life, is He wanting from you now?

I”ll be praying for you, Kathy. God grant you wisdom, grace, and peace. Keep in touch, and take good care of yourself. -R

]]> By: Kathy http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2663 Kathy Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:41:37 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2663 Renee, 2010 will be our 25th year anniversary since the realization of my husbands struggle with homosexuality a long time ago (two weeks before our 7th year anniversary). Our marriage has suffered three affairs, two of which with mutual friends, and one with a stanger who was also a married man with 2 kids. This one went on for one year behind my back. Plus countless annonymos encounters over the years. Sometimes I wonder if I should check myself into an abused women's shelter...why have I stayed in this marriage? I just started counseling a few weeks ago with a man who has many years experience with same sex issues and adultery. I feel dead toward my husband and distant from God, but yet I love my God deeply and trust Him. I have sweet fellowship at times with God, but not consistently. Have I diminished my value by staying here or has God just given me that much grace over the tears... I mean years... of infidelity? My spouse says he is sorry, but as I am allowing myself to be honest now, I have never seen a heart change in my husband. I just feel like I would know it if I see it. He has gone to groups over the years, but never stuck with accountibility. We have two children in college. What kind of message have I sent them? Staying and trusting God is a good message, but is it the Best ? Have I just enabled him to stay in his pattern by not leaving? Leaving also takes a great amount of trust, maybe even more than staying! I just need prayer support as I seek Godly counsel. We just moved to a new area and haven't got a church home yet. My husband just finished his Masters in counseling. He realized and had confirmed this gift in him. However he has yet to truly give his whole heart to Christ and hides alot behind depression, body aches and pains ...one complaint after another. It has become such a drag (literally) to live with a depressed person who seems not to want to get better...and yet he says he has done everything he knows to obey God. I've trusted God to heal all that the locusts have eaten and to restore our marriage...I am just wondering if he wants to restore me outside of this marriage. I need a sign...if I am to change the status quo ...Thank you. Blessings, Kathy Renee,
2010 will be our 25th year anniversary since the realization of my husbands struggle with homosexuality a long time ago (two weeks before our 7th year anniversary). Our marriage has suffered three affairs, two of which with mutual friends, and one with a stanger who was also a married man with 2 kids. This one went on for one year behind my back. Plus countless annonymos encounters over the years. Sometimes I wonder if I should check myself into an abused women’s shelter…why have I stayed in this marriage?

I just started counseling a few weeks ago with a man who has many years experience with same sex issues and adultery. I feel dead toward my husband and distant from God, but yet I love my God deeply and trust Him. I have sweet fellowship at times with God, but not consistently. Have I diminished my value by staying here or has God just given me that much grace over the tears… I mean years… of infidelity? My spouse says he is sorry, but as I am allowing myself to be honest now, I have never seen a heart change in my husband. I just feel like I would know it if I see it. He has gone to groups over the years, but never stuck with accountibility. We have two children in college. What kind of message have I sent them? Staying and trusting God is a good message, but is it the Best ? Have I just enabled him to stay in his pattern by not leaving? Leaving also takes a great amount of trust, maybe even more than staying!

I just need prayer support as I seek Godly counsel. We just moved to a new area and haven’t got a church home yet. My husband just finished his Masters in counseling. He realized and had confirmed this gift in him. However he has yet to truly give his whole heart to Christ and hides alot behind depression, body aches and pains …one complaint after another. It has become such a drag (literally) to live with a depressed person who seems not to want to get better…and yet he says he has done everything he knows to obey God. I’ve trusted God to heal all that the locusts have eaten and to restore our marriage…I am just wondering if he wants to restore me outside of this marriage. I need a sign…if I am to change the status quo …Thank you. Blessings, Kathy

]]> By: cathy http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2658 cathy Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:03:38 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2658 You have to take care of yourself too. I do not believe that we need to live an intimate life with someone who had abandoned our marriage vows. I needed to see my doctor and have blood tests and other tests to be certain I was healthy. Through the grace of God I am. After 4 months, I feel better at this moment. But in 20 minutes I may be washed with anger and pain that is unbearable. Emotions come in waves as well as the strength you need. I have done things I didn't think I could do since he left. Each feat is an accomplishment. I will not stand by and pretend that everything is ok because that is what he wants me to do. While I will not shout his secrets from the rooftops, I will not be the good wife who makes everything seem ok for appearances. I do not want my daughters to thnk that is ok. Each day I am solving more and more problems my way that crop up in our lives. While I miss my partner and friend, I am feeling empowered to live my life. God's voice is hard to hear through the tears sometimes. You have to take care of yourself too. I do not believe that we need to live an intimate life with someone who had abandoned our marriage vows. I needed to see my doctor and have blood tests and other tests to be certain I was healthy. Through the grace of God I am. After 4 months, I feel better at this moment. But in 20 minutes I may be washed with anger and pain that is unbearable. Emotions come in waves as well as the strength you need. I have done things I didn’t think I could do since he left. Each feat is an accomplishment. I will not stand by and pretend that everything is ok because that is what he wants me to do. While I will not shout his secrets from the rooftops, I will not be the good wife who makes everything seem ok for appearances. I do not want my daughters to thnk that is ok. Each day I am solving more and more problems my way that crop up in our lives. While I miss my partner and friend, I am feeling empowered to live my life. God’s voice is hard to hear through the tears sometimes.

]]> By: Renee http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2574 Renee Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:05:09 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2574 Anisa, I'm not sure "everyone always" should be encouraged to stay in a marriage seriously betrayed by adultery -- this is a decision made on a case-by-case basis. Generally, it depends on the level of humility and repentance that a husband has and whether or not the wife feels he is truly making reforms in his life. And I agree with you on the expectations that are put on many wives - these arbritary timelines of 90-120 days and you'll be "better" are not realistic, nor are they fair. What your husband did (with your best friend, no less) crossed over some very serious lines and it's reasonable for you to know whether or not he's taken steps to make sure that never happens again. You sound angry and I don't blame you -- if you're getting pat answers on what you should do, you probably don't feel very listened to. And while everyone's feeling compassion for him and his failure, you're feeling out on the sidelines having to deal with the aftermath. And forgiveness does not equal trust. That's a distinction many people have a hard time making, so they may be putting expectations on you in that area too. With God's help, we are mandated to forgive. But trust is something that the offending partner has to earnestly begin to rebuild. If your husband is interested in rebuilding trust and you're both willing to work on any issues that preceeded the affair, perhaps there is a chance for your marriage. But if you don't feel that is the case, then perhaps it is appropriate for you to separate. Only you know this for sure. All that to say, one solution does not fit all. Many Christian women want to try to stay in thier marriages and are intelligently and prayerfully looking for signs that it is the right thing to do. Through support and counsel, they trust they will make the right decision for themselves and thier families. I pray that the Lord will bring you to a place of peace in the road that lies ahead for you. If you need support, please stay in touch with us at WifeBoat -- we offer continuing support groups separately as well as through comments on this blog. God Bless and take good care. -R Anisa,
I’m not sure “everyone always” should be encouraged to stay in a marriage seriously betrayed by adultery — this is a decision made on a case-by-case basis. Generally, it depends on the level of humility and repentance that a husband has and whether or not the wife feels he is truly making reforms in his life. And I agree with you on the expectations that are put on many wives – these arbritary timelines of 90-120 days and you’ll be “better” are not realistic, nor are they fair. What your husband did (with your best friend, no less) crossed over some very serious lines and it’s reasonable for you to know whether or not he’s taken steps to make sure that never happens again. You sound angry and I don’t blame you — if you’re getting pat answers on what you should do, you probably don’t feel very listened to. And while everyone’s feeling compassion for him and his failure, you’re feeling out on the sidelines having to deal with the aftermath.

And forgiveness does not equal trust. That’s a distinction many people have a hard time making, so they may be putting expectations on you in that area too. With God’s help, we are mandated to forgive. But trust is something that the offending partner has to earnestly begin to rebuild. If your husband is interested in rebuilding trust and you’re both willing to work on any issues that preceeded the affair, perhaps there is a chance for your marriage. But if you don’t feel that is the case, then perhaps it is appropriate for you to separate. Only you know this for sure.

All that to say, one solution does not fit all. Many Christian women want to try to stay in thier marriages and are intelligently and prayerfully looking for signs that it is the right thing to do. Through support and counsel, they trust they will make the right decision for themselves and thier families.

I pray that the Lord will bring you to a place of peace in the road that lies ahead for you. If you need support, please stay in touch with us at WifeBoat — we offer continuing support groups separately as well as through comments on this blog. God Bless and take good care. -R

]]> By: Anisa http://www.wifeboat.com/2009/08/questions-wounded-wives-ask-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2571 Anisa Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:44:50 +0000 http://www.wifeboat.com/?p=792#comment-2571 Why is it that everyone always encourges us to stay and work through such a traumatic offense as adultery? In my case, my husband was also my pastor, and the offense was with my best friend. I almost feel like my husband is spanked on the hand, and comforted with the words, "we all have sinned and fall short..." or "there is now no condemnation to those that are in Christ...", and here I am, expected to mount up on wings like an eagle and simply soar over this gross betrayal and awful breech because, "God has called me to forgive." And with HIS help, I did forgive, but now what do I do with the self-doubt, anger, images, covering the relationship, and covering the children from the truth, while still ministering to my husband intimately. It's like I'm given a certain period of time to absorb, deal and move on -- 90 to 120 days the max. I want wives to understand, from a Biblical perspective that it is OK if they elect to leave; that they ARE NOT considered weak if they opt out. I'm even finding that it takes more strength and faith to leave even in such a case. After 22 years and three children, it feels normal to stay in dysfunction than to leave and seek God's normalcy. I just want women to feel and KNOW that they have an option what happens from here on, because we surely didn't have an option when it came to the dimensional pain dumped on us at the uncovering of the adultery. Why is it that everyone always encourges us to stay and work through such a traumatic offense as adultery? In my case, my husband was also my pastor, and the offense was with my best friend. I almost feel like my husband is spanked on the hand, and comforted with the words, “we all have sinned and fall short…” or “there is now no condemnation to those that are in Christ…”, and here I am, expected to mount up on wings like an eagle and simply soar over this gross betrayal and awful breech because, “God has called me to forgive.” And with HIS help, I did forgive, but now what do I do with the self-doubt, anger, images, covering the relationship, and covering the children from the truth, while still ministering to my husband intimately. It’s like I’m given a certain period of time to absorb, deal and move on — 90 to 120 days the max. I want wives to understand, from a Biblical perspective that it is OK if they elect to leave; that they ARE NOT considered weak if they opt out. I’m even finding that it takes more strength and faith to leave even in such a case. After 22 years and three children, it feels normal to stay in dysfunction than to leave and seek God’s normalcy. I just want women to feel and KNOW that they have an option what happens from here on, because we surely didn’t have an option when it came to the dimensional pain dumped on us at the uncovering of the adultery.

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