Renee, you’ve been telling us about the WIFEBOAT Online Support Group you’re starting on August 25th. What sort of topics will you cover in this program?
The WIFEBOAT Online Support Group will be 2 hours a week for 12 weeks. After we take some time to share our stories, each session will have a short teaching on subjects relevant to their recovery–boundaries, wounded femininity, children and family issues–then we’ll have a group discussion on how this issue is affecting each one. I even have a special guest facilitator planned–my husband Joe will be on hand for a session to give the women a man’s perspective on all of this.
You mentioned “Boundaries” as one of the topics you’ll be teaching on. What are boundaries, and why do they matter?
Boundaries are important because they define what we will allow and what we won’t allow. Boundaries are for correcting an attitude or action of disrespect and are used to protect us from any future wounding. When someone violates boundaries by breaking a marriage covenant with sexual sin, it’s like they’ve stolen something from you. So, in order to correct that and begin restoring trust (part of what was stolen) in the marriage, boundaries have to be communicated and respected.
What sort of emotions do these women go through?
The women usually report feeling like the bottom has completely dropped out of their lives. Life as they knew it is gone, and they feel lost. They feel angry, everything about their identity is challenged–their identity as a wife, their identity in their family, in the community, even their sexuality–is challenged. A lot of women report physical pain (stomach ache, headaches), emotional pain (depression, can’t stop crying); they go through some serious trust and anger issues, and experience symptoms of grief.
How hard is it for them to finally forgive their husbands?
I think most wives who are wounded by their husband’s sexual sin want to forgive their husbands, but most struggle with how and when. An important distinction is the difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness can be given–by God’s grace He enables us to do that–but trust has to be earned. Depending on the husband’s attitude about what he’s done, his wife may be able to trust again as he shows consistency in his own recovery over a period of time. But forgiveness is a process too — of facing what’s been done to us and giving it up to God as a fragrant offering.
Can a marriage ever really be healed after a husband has committed adultery or used pornography?
First let me say that the process of restoring a marriage damaged by sexual sin isn’t for cowards. Sometimes, despite the best efforts of one partner or the other, the marriage doesn’t survive. But yes, marriages have been healed and many times are better than they were before. When a couple walks through this process right, then they will probably be communicating better, respecting each other better and will have grown in their faith. Sometimes the rebuilt broken bond is stronger than the original one. But don’t get me wrong, it’s a process that demands committment and maturity on the part of both partners.
So there’s hope?
There’s always hope… because ultimately our hope isn’t in our own abilities or efforts. Our hope is in God, who gives us the grace we need to perservere and who has the ability to bring depth and meaning to the things we go through in our lives. We never have to be ashamed when we put our hope in Him! He is near to those who come to Him in truth and with a humble heart.-R
{ 1 trackback }
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for offering Wifeboat. I will like to be involved in this series. I know I need it!
Darcy,
So glad to have you with us! I trust God will use the WifeBoat Group to meet the needs that have brought you here, and I’m really looking forward to working with you. Other women have already signed up, and I expect we’ll have a few more coming about by the time we begin on August 25th. I’ll be emailing you additional information tomorrow, and will look forward to getting you signed up. Thanks for commenting. God Bless. -R
I would like to be involved in the upcoming series. My husband has been in an affair for the last 9 months. He is beginning the divorce process. I had told him that I would not divorce him so he has decided that he will divorce me even though he does not have any biblical grounds to do so. We have been married for 39 years when he decided to get involved with a high school sweetheart.
Gail,
I am so sorry to hear about what’s happened. That must hurt terribly! I would be honored if you can join our group August 25th. Please check the banner ad above for registration information. If you have any questions about the group, please contact me through the “Contact” tab above and I’ll give you any details you might need. Once you register, you’ll recieve additional information as well. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. God Bless, -R
Will the Wife Boat seminar be offered again at a different time? I would like… sorry “need” to participate, but I am commuting from work at this time. Or can you recommend some written material/books? I feel okay sometimes, but the feelings of depression,anger and insecurity keep returning. It would be nice to get off the emotional rollercoster and begin to heal.
May God bless you and your ministry.
G
Gina,
I have had a few women tell me that the time we are holding the meetings won’t work for them, so I am considering doing another group at a different time to accommodate their schedules. If you were able to participate, what times would work for you? I assume that you would need a later time than 4:00-6:00pst.
To anyone else out there who has an issue with the time but would like to particiate in the group, please let me know what times would work for you–let’s make this an informal survey to see if it’s feasible to offer another group. It’s worth checking into to see if the opportunity might be there.
Anyone else want to send me some proposed times? Feel free to contact me via the “Contact” tab on this blog if you’d like. -R
my husband just informed me 2 days ago that he has been hiding an addiction to pornography for the past year, this past year was only our first year of marriage together. we are a younger couple and we have a newborn son. I have gone through a range of emotions the last 48 hours, one minuet ready to separate, then thinking there may be hope worth sticking around for the next. I feel that I have so much to deal with, learning how to be a mom, still learning how to be a wife and now this. I can’t help but feeling that everything we’ve been through this past year has all been a lie, false, not ever what I thougt it was because there was a secret being hidden from me. I’m glad he came clean, it was actually your program on wcrf that sparked the conversation. I am hoping to be able to restart. I am longing for the marriage and husband I dream of having in my heart. my husband is trying to assure me that it has nothing to do with me, but rather a problem he had before I came into his life, and now wishes he dealt with before making a marrital commitment. Where is there comfort to be found? I fear being taken over by depression or anger and being ruined by this as a mother and a person.
Anne,
I can feel what you’re going through – this is so similar to what happened to me.(See It Happened to a Nice Christian Girl). The difference is that your husband is dealing with porn and your husband seems to want to get help with this. But what you are going through, along with the worries about being a new mom, is just overwhleming!
I hope you have someone you can talk to about this and perhaps this is too new. But please seek some godly counsel as a couple with your pastor or a Christian counselor. They should be able to help you stabilize a little and get a handle on what you need to do next.
I would say you and your husband will have to determine what he intends to do and if he is in the process of getting into accountability and support. Celebrate Recovery has groups all around the country, so if your church doesn’t presently have a recovery program, I’d recommend looking at their website to see if there is one nearby. If you need resources on phone counseling, please check out my husband’s website and his book The Game Plan: The Men’s 30 Day strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity. This book gives a practical path to staying sexually “sober” and I would highly recommend it for both you and your husband to read. Also, you can check out these articles Pornography: Darkening Our Minds
and Ten Tips for Maintaining Sexual Integrity.
My WifeBoat 12 week support group is starting next week, so if that fits into your schedule, please contact me. If it doesn’t, please look into getting support for yourself. It is possible to recover from this if both partners in a marriage are honest and earnestly pursue healing and recovery. I will pray for you, Anne, I so feel what you’re going through. Please let me know how you’re doing – everyone on this blog will be thinking of you. And please remember that God loves you so much and is your Strong Tower and Refuge. I pray His presence floods you and His peace is there this very moment to comfort you. Hope to hear back from you soon.-R
I’ve been married for nearly 10 years. The last 2 years have been quite miserable. Unlike anne’s story my husband never confessed. I was 18 years old when I married, I had a deep commitment to God and very active in my church. Which by the way his father pastored. We would pray and read the word together daily then I noticed early on that he didn’t not seem interested. He would never initiate it. After the 1st year, just months after having our 1st child I soon found out that he wasn’t wearing his ring and a letter on my our car from another woman to him. Once I forgave that and tried to move on from that I found pornograghy on the internet history. I forgave that and ask him to consider that he was inviting this spirits into our house and maybe he should get help because I couldn’t stay in that type of relationship. Growing up all the men in my family struggled with that sexual sin. And I just didn’t want to be around that. So needlessly to say year after year I found pornography on my computer. I still stuck around. He said he never had slept with anyone. Not even the woman who was leaving him notes. By year 7, the trust I had in him was gone. By year 8, My self-esteem was so low and I struggled with my sexuality until I reconnected with an ex. We had a 2 week affair. And I couldn’t go on, the guilt was killing me and I knew it wasn’t right! So I confessed! I told him I didn’t deserve his forgiveness and if he wanted to leave me to go right ahead. In my mind, I knew I didn’t trust him and I didn’t want to be with the other person either because I only did it out of hurt and pain. But he said he had forgiven me and wanted to work it out. I was hopeful we would get counseling instead he was caught talking to women online just a couple of months later. Then said he was sorry and started doing all this extra stuff like flowers and roses. But still no counseling. So I’m like okay, I think I’m falling in love again! And trying hard to get a relationship with the Lord because forgiving myself for my affair seemed impossible. Then 6 mos later I was hit with the shocker of a 3 month affair that he was having a co-worker. And that was nearly 2 years ago every since my life has gone down hill. I come up for air momentartily and before I know it I’m taken under again. I have not left the house because of our 3 children. I started counseling and asked him if he would get marriage counseling and even gave him the number of a counselor. He still hasn’t went for help. He has been involved with other women. And of course I could go on and on. So last night I finally cried out to the LORD for real and asked him to help me get out of this! I want to live a life that pleases Him and I don’t want to keep sowing seeds of unrighteousness. Being an example for my children is so important to me. I know the marriage is over. I just want a fresh start and to know that God will have mercy upon us.
Faye,
I am so very sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. We have to consider so many things in a marriage, especially when we have children and when we love our spouse. Marriage is a covenant and we also depend on and expect the other to keep faith with us–after all they promised that. But it sounds like your husband took advantage of your love and desire to trust him, betrayed you and even used your own guilt to manipulate you into trusting him. I am glad to hear that you are in counseling and getting support to help you sort through what your options are. And that’s what you’ll need to do now, because it seems like he does not want to get help.
I want to encourage you, Faye, because there is freedom in the Lord and He wants that for you. You have His love and the love of your children. I hope also that you are connected to good church where you can be built up and cared for and where you can be honest about what you’re going through. (See my post on friendship, Who’s Holding Your Trampoline?)
Please stay in touch with us here at WifeBoat and let us know how you’re doing. We will be offering ongoing support groups starting this month and in the year to come, as well as other resources that become available. I will be praying for you. Remember the Lord is watching over you and is with you, sees your pain and will bless you as you come to Him truth! -R
My husband and I have been in this cycle of deception and his sexual perversions for MANY years. I have recently (last week) left the home with our children. Every several weeks I would “bust him”, even on his computer at work. I would confront him as he had asked me to keep him accountable. He would try to blame someone else and when I would PROVE it was him, then he would accept responsibility. He has been signing into dating sites with alias names. He has been to the strip clubs, even used our debit card for a trail. Then he tells me what a horrible wife I am for not being his blow up doll with a pulse. I have been physically and mentally abused beyond what is acceptable to post here. I kept studying and praying and CLINGING to scripture. I frequently would quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when my family and friends would question my purpose (moreover sanity) for staying and trying to work out my marriage. I stand today as a mess of brokenness.
BUT~ in the many years of abuse I have learned to KNOW Jesus! He is my best friend and my strong tower! He said “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. I have found that He is all I need. Our marriage is His and He can handle my husband. I am now going to wait on the Lord. For now, I will study and focus on caring for our children. I pray that the Lord will enable me His wisdom and discernment to guide the boys to the peace in Christ Jesus. I so desire their hearts and minds to find healing through the Lord. I know that He is able and I will put my trust in HIM! ~
Kelley,
I think many women want to give their husbands room to repent of this type of sin, and so they stay in their marriages hoping he will change. But when the guilt over what he’s doing gets translated into mental abuse and insults towards you, then you unfairly bear the burden of his guilt. It’s bad enough that husbands do the thing (pornography, strip clubs) but when they try to make themselves feel better by blaming their wives for not being the perfect fantasy that their minds have cooked up, it sure makes it unbearable and completely unfair.
I’m glad you’re in a place where you can pursue your own healing and concentrate on your kids now. Perhaps your husband will experience true repentance–but his recovery from his sexual addiction is his responsibility, not yours. Sometimes setting boundaries like you have is the best way to facilitate it; at any rate, it is the best thing for you to prevent further wounding to yourself. And like you said, your job is to raise your kids in a loving environment, and to continue to seek the Lord.
Kelley, thanks for commenting on WifeBoat. I’ll look forward to hearing from you again. Take good care. -R
Your stories sound so much like mine. I have known about the porn since 2001. It broke my heart. My husband a deacon of the church…he spoke to a couple of brother deacons about it but refused to go to further counseling because he could change. I believed him. That was the worst mistake I made. I wish that I had gone to our pastor and just told him..but I was bound by this false since of loyalty and shame.
A month ago my husband lost his job because he abused computer priveleges at work. He had underage porn…lost his job…now there is all of the legal stuff to deal with.
I’ve been married 35 years and could not believe what I was hearing. I wanted to curl up and die instead I prayed for strength and wisdom. God has been good. My husband is in counseling. Why did it take a situation like this to open his eyes? to open mine?
I love the man I married…yet it seems as though he was two different people. How blind I was. I am thankful that he has turned to the Lord for repentence and he knows that there are consequences for sin and that he will pay the price.
I start my support group next week and have been thankful for counseling. Thank you all for sharing your life may God give you wisdom to live your lives in the way he intented.
EOR
I just signed up for the wife boat support group starting this month. Thank you for a link to a group of women who can honestly say they “understand.” I have struggled with this burden for 32 years of marriage. I both love and hate my husband at the same time. I am worn out and exhausted from trying so hard to “hold it all together” and stay in the relationship . . . one more time. I have searched for a safe place to share and be heard and feel understood. It is hard to talk about all that has happened. It is hard not to feel too overwhelmed by speaking the words. I never thought I would find myself in this kind of relationship. The pain, the betrayal, the shame, the fear of being judged for being married to someone who would do these things. The fear of someone finding out about my husband’s hidden sin. The guilt I have felt for not being enough of a wife to sustain him without his addiction to porn. Intellectually, I know better . . . but the guilt sneaks in none the less. I feel hopeful that I have found that place where I can talk about it all . . . and hear about the experience of others. Through all of these years of painful betrayals, I have been blessed with a strong faith in God. I don’t know how it has “survived” . . . this faith I cling to so tenaciously. But survive it has . . . without it, I would not have “survived” the things I have seen and experienced. It is not of my doing this faith, but it is a comfort in the darkness. I know it is a gift from God that I am wholly unworthy of, but I am grateful for it. It sustains me. Still, I long for the connection with other women who understand and will hear my pain and still focus on God . . . even through the pain we share. I do feel so lost at times and so thoroughly worn out and alone here on earth. I still can usually find that light of God’s Love deep within me . . . even though it is very dim at times and I must search very hard to find it. Right now, it is quite dim and I am quite tired. I feel God led me to the group and I feel blessed that it exists. Thank you.
Lolly,
I am so glad that you’re here on the WifeBoat site! And I am overwhelmed by your story and your faith in the Lord. Thank you for sharing it with us. I know many who read it will be helped.
I’m looking forward to meeting you through the group and will be forwarding additional information to you soon. May God’s peace flood you this evening, dear sister! -R
I’ve known my husband has had a problem with pornograghy for many years. Last year I found out he had an affair with a women he met online. We went to counseling and he seemed to make a big improvement. The last couple of months I’ve noticed he was slipping back to his old habits. (Staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning, being secretive and complaining about not having enough sex). I checked his email and found out he has been looking at pornograghy and chating online. I made him move out and said I couldn’t live with him until he got into counseling for his addication (which he refused to do the 1st time) and made some real changes. I could really use your support group as our town is very small and there aren’t many options. Any time is good for me.
Thanks,
Nicole
Nicole,
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I did notice that you had a feeling that something was wrong and this echoes what many women say. They have a feeling or intuition that something is wrong — and after checking or confronting it proves to be true. Setting boundaries (and keeping them!) like you did is probably the single most important thing you could have done, first for you to prevent further wounding to yourself and to make a statement that you are worth being respected. And secondly, if he really values you, he will seek to do the things that will rebuild trust.
I would love to have you join the next group. Right now we have two groups running through November, and they are closed. But we will be starting up again in January for another round of groups. I’ll be sending out annoucements when we get closer to the time, as well as posting a banner ad on the site. Please stay in touch with us at WifeBoat in the meantime and let us know how you’re doing, and for further posts. We’re in this boat together, and we’ll get through the storm that way too! Blessings, -R
I’ve been married for more than 28 years. Within the last month I discovered that my husband has had an affair with one woman, sexual of nature for more than 17 years, and then, a secret non-sexual relationship, with this same woman, until last month when I found out. I also found out that he was giving her money, monthly, for the past 5 years. Thousands of dollars.
Multiple steps have been taken with everything from blocking phone calls, no more evening office hours, police reports, and seeing a doctor. I am pretty numb, as far as my emotional process goes. The doctor mentioned something called…..”sexual addiction.” I’ve researched this term and out of the list of warning signs…….my husband had more than half. I have no one to talk with about this. No one. He was very, very good at keeping this secret. Do I love him ? Yes. Do I want to stay married to him ? Yes. Do I trust him ? No. I don’t know how to gain trust back. I wish there was a book. I wish I had known the signs. I cannot throw away 3 kids, 4 G-kids, and 28 years of good memories and milestones. What advise is out there for someone like me ? I am in my mid 50’s and he is in his mid 60’s. Thanks.
Marie:
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened – that is such a devestating thing to find out about after 28 years of marriage. I know it’s a difficult thing to talk about with just anyone, but I hope you’ll be able to talk with someone in a safe setting to get some support. Perhaps a local professional Christian counselor, or your pastor would be able to offer some support.
We have been running online support groups this year which run for 12 weeks at a time. Our current groups are closed, but we will be starting up a series of new groups in mid-January. The women in the groups are awesome, and have helped each other through some very difficult times. And guess what, we even find at times, we can laugh! I will be sending out announcements shortly on these new groups, and I hope you’ll be able to join us. In the meantime, please try to get some support locally as this is something you cannot go through alone. Marie, all my best prayers for you and your family. One thing I know for sure, and that many of the ladies who read and contribute to this blog can tell you, is that God is faithful and good and He will be there for you. He will never turn you away. Take courage, sister! He loves you and so do we! -R
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 33 yrs. We stated dating when we were 16yrs. old. We’ve been through so much together. We survived his drinking problem. He’s been sober now for 17 yrs. We’ve been battling very serious heart issues with him. He was put on the national transplant list two years ago. We’ve had several near death experiences. Now much to my surprise he told me that he has a girlfriend that he’s been seeing for the past year. He has moved out of the house and is staying in a motel with her. He has now told me that she’ll take over all the heart transplant process and be there for him instead of me. He just had a check up appt. at the heart transplant center yesterday and it was very painful to not be there with him for that appt. This woman has stepped in and taken over my life with my husband. This is just more than I can bear. He has jumped onto her cell phone plan so that he doesn’t have to have contact with me anymore. And says he wants a divorce. My head is still spinning. I feel like I am caught in such a nightmare.
Donna,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through, and especially now during the holiday season. This sounds so very simplistic, I know, but I hope you have someplace–church or family–to go to right now. You have probably spent alot of time giving care to your husband through his health and sobriety issues, and now you’ve been hit pretty hard. So I hope you have a good Christian support system in place. If you don’t, I hope you will go see your pastor or a good Christian counselor.
But, I know I would love to hear back from you and how you’re doing. If WifeBoat can be a place where you get support, from fellow women on this site, please come back and post your thoughts. I’ll be praying for you this day, Donna. May the Lord give you peace and an assurance that He is with you. He is always faithful and cares for you deeply. Many Blessings, -R
My husband left me two years ago on Christmas Eve. We have two small children and he basically abandoned us. He screamed and yelled at me and said it was my fault for not being a good enough wife. I found out later that he was involved with another woman. He swore that the affair began after he left me so after some time, I took him back. Now that time has passed, I know in my heart that the affair began before he left and he is still lying to me. How can I work on forgiving and trusting him when he is still lying to me? I want nothing more than for my marriage to work out – but I don’t know how to bring him on board. He has finally started going to church with the kids which I take as a positive sign. However, he has started hiding text messages and lying about where he goes – how can I not think he is cheating on me again? Am I supposed to just keep praying and hoping? For how long? I am miserable and I think that my kids are noticing that.
Kim,
This must be a difficult Christmas season for you, considering what happened two years ago. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. If you don’t feel like your husband is operating in the truth with you regarding what he’s doing, I think the best thing to do is to have a conversation with him about it, and preferably with a thrid party present. A Christian counselor or a pastor would be there to help you both sort out what you feel is happening, and to get objective feedback. In addition, it would be away from the children in a safe setting where you could get to the root of the matter.
From there, the counselor or pastor can help you determine what the next steps should be. Here are some questions that come to my mind: When your husband moved back in, did he show remorse for what he said to you and what he did, and did he take action to make sure he dealt with the issues that contributed to the affair? Should your husband get into some sort of accountability relationship to help him in the areas that he’s tempted in? Should you both be in couple’s counseling? What help is there for you, a wounded wife, and how do you get support? Are there any issues that you yourself didn’t address when you allowed him to move back in with you after the first affair? What about setting boundaries? How does he feel this is affecting your kids?
I would encourage you to take the concrete steps above to help you determine what to do. As you said, praying and hoping must also be accompanied by getting counsel and wisdom from those who are experienced to help. If you are not able to find help in your local area, you can contact Genesis Biblical Counseling for information on phone consultations, as well as checking out information on the WifeBoat Support Groups.
Kim, I’m glad you reached out and posted here. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, and please let me know how you’re doing. -R
How come this issue of the affect of wife/husband support is not addressed? It’s always just an addition…you need to help him get over it… why are the spouses the ones who feel like the ones who committed the crime….
Debbie:
I not sure I’m answering your question right, but I’ll give this as try. Are you asking why it seems we’re saying that the wounded spouses should be “helping” the husband who wronged them? And why should wives feel like something was wrong with them, like they were the ones responsible?
First, if a husband has committed sexual sin, he and he alone is responsible for what he’s done. He may try to place blame on his wife by saying she drove him to it (for various reasons) but that would be entirely wrong.
A wife, though, is responsible for how she handles her responses: Is she destuctive with her anger? Does she punish and humliate? Is she bitter? Does she try to alienate his children from him? She has every right to be angry and hurt, but she doesn’t have the right to turn around and sin in return. (See Micah 6:8)
A wife may decide to stay with her husband to pursue reconcilliation and healing, if she feels he is truly repentant and willing to work on rebuilding trust with her. But it is still up to him to pursue his own recovery. She cannot and should not do this for him! Then, I would say there are constructive things a wife should do to take care of herself, (see WifeBoat Just for Today) and I always encourage women to be looking for ways to do this.
I guess that’s the short answer for now. I encourage you to look through some of the other articles on this blog for more. We also cover this in the WifeBoat Support Groups, if you’re interested in pursuing that. Blessings -R
I found out about a month ago that my husband was looking at inappropriate images of women on our computer. I am so incredibly hurt. we are getting counsel from church. but he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t “move on” from it. Sometimes my anger is so bad toward him. I want to be tender towards him, but find it very hard to not be bitter. we’ve been married almost 24 years. How can I move on? I feel at the verge of tears most times.