Comments on: Questions Wounded Wives Ask

By: suzy

suzy — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:11:35 +0000

I found out about a month ago that my husband was looking at inappropriate images of women on our computer. I am so incredibly hurt. we are getting counsel from church. but he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t “move on” from it. Sometimes my anger is so bad toward him. I want to be tender towards him, but find it very hard to not be bitter. we’ve been married almost 24 years. How can I move on? I feel at the verge of tears most times.

By: Renee

Renee — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:32:50 +0000

Debbie: I not sure I'm answering your question right, but I'll give this as try. Are you asking why it seems we're saying that the wounded spouses should be "helping" the husband who wronged them? And why should wives feel like something was wrong with them, like they were the ones responsible? First, if a husband has committed sexual sin, he and he alone is responsible for what he's done. He may try to place blame on his wife by saying she drove him to it (for various reasons) but that would be entirely wrong. A wife, though, is responsible for how she handles her responses: Is she destuctive with her anger? Does she punish and humliate? Is she bitter? Does she try to alienate his children from him? She has every right to be angry and hurt, but she doesn't have the right to turn around and sin in return. (See Micah 6:8) A wife may decide to stay with her husband to pursue reconcilliation and healing, if she feels he is truly repentant and willing to work on rebuilding trust with her. But it is still up to him to pursue his own recovery. She cannot and should not do this for him! Then, I would say there are constructive things a wife should do to take care of herself, (see WifeBoat Just for Today) and I always encourage women to be looking for ways to do this. I guess that's the short answer for now. I encourage you to look through some of the other articles on this blog for more. We also cover this in the WifeBoat Support Groups, if you're interested in pursuing that. Blessings -R

By: Debbie Tuttle

Debbie Tuttle — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 19:28:25 +0000

How come this issue of the affect of wife/husband support is not addressed? It’s always just an addition…you need to help him get over it… why are the spouses the ones who feel like the ones who committed the crime….

By: Top Five Posts of 2009 — WifeBoat: Help for Women in Crisis

Top Five Posts of 2009 — WifeBoat: Help for Women in Crisis — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 01:05:04 +0000

[...] Admitted He’s Homosexual. What now? 2. It Happened to a Nice Christian Girl 3. Questions Wounded Wives Ask 4. Live Boldy in Tough Times 5. Personal Worship and [...]

By: Renee

Renee — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:59:56 +0000

Kim, This must be a difficult Christmas season for you, considering what happened two years ago. I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. If you don't feel like your husband is operating in the truth with you regarding what he's doing, I think the best thing to do is to have a conversation with him about it, and preferably with a thrid party present. A Christian counselor or a pastor would be there to help you both sort out what you feel is happening, and to get objective feedback. In addition, it would be away from the children in a safe setting where you could get to the root of the matter. From there, the counselor or pastor can help you determine what the next steps should be. Here are some questions that come to my mind: When your husband moved back in, did he show remorse for what he said to you and what he did, and did he take action to make sure he dealt with the issues that contributed to the affair? Should your husband get into some sort of accountability relationship to help him in the areas that he's tempted in? Should you both be in couple's counseling? What help is there for you, a wounded wife, and how do you get support? Are there any issues that you yourself didn't address when you allowed him to move back in with you after the first affair? What about setting boundaries? How does he feel this is affecting your kids? I would encourage you to take the concrete steps above to help you determine what to do. As you said, praying and hoping must also be accompanied by getting counsel and wisdom from those who are experienced to help. If you are not able to find help in your local area, you can contact Genesis Biblical Counseling for information on phone consultations, as well as checking out information on the WifeBoat Support Groups. Kim, I'm glad you reached out and posted here. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you, and please let me know how you're doing. -R

By: Kim

Kim — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 19:28:39 +0000

My husband left me two years ago on Christmas Eve. We have two small children and he basically abandoned us. He screamed and yelled at me and said it was my fault for not being a good enough wife. I found out later that he was involved with another woman. He swore that the affair began after he left me so after some time, I took him back. Now that time has passed, I know in my heart that the affair began before he left and he is still lying to me. How can I work on forgiving and trusting him when he is still lying to me? I want nothing more than for my marriage to work out – but I don’t know how to bring him on board. He has finally started going to church with the kids which I take as a positive sign. However, he has started hiding text messages and lying about where he goes – how can I not think he is cheating on me again? Am I supposed to just keep praying and hoping? For how long? I am miserable and I think that my kids are noticing that.

By: Renee

Renee — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:33:14 +0000

Donna,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through, and especially now during the holiday season. This sounds so very simplistic, I know, but I hope you have someplace–church or family–to go to right now. You have probably spent alot of time giving care to your husband through his health and sobriety issues, and now you’ve been hit pretty hard. So I hope you have a good Christian support system in place. If you don’t, I hope you will go see your pastor or a good Christian counselor.

But, I know I would love to hear back from you and how you’re doing. If WifeBoat can be a place where you get support, from fellow women on this site, please come back and post your thoughts. I’ll be praying for you this day, Donna. May the Lord give you peace and an assurance that He is with you. He is always faithful and cares for you deeply. Many Blessings, -R

By: Donna

Donna — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:00:25 +0000

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 33 yrs. We stated dating when we were 16yrs. old. We’ve been through so much together. We survived his drinking problem. He’s been sober now for 17 yrs. We’ve been battling very serious heart issues with him. He was put on the national transplant list two years ago. We’ve had several near death experiences. Now much to my surprise he told me that he has a girlfriend that he’s been seeing for the past year. He has moved out of the house and is staying in a motel with her. He has now told me that she’ll take over all the heart transplant process and be there for him instead of me. He just had a check up appt. at the heart transplant center yesterday and it was very painful to not be there with him for that appt. This woman has stepped in and taken over my life with my husband. This is just more than I can bear. He has jumped onto her cell phone plan so that he doesn’t have to have contact with me anymore. And says he wants a divorce. My head is still spinning. I feel like I am caught in such a nightmare.

By: Renee

Renee — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:57:14 +0000

Marie:
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened – that is such a devestating thing to find out about after 28 years of marriage. I know it’s a difficult thing to talk about with just anyone, but I hope you’ll be able to talk with someone in a safe setting to get some support. Perhaps a local professional Christian counselor, or your pastor would be able to offer some support.

We have been running online support groups this year which run for 12 weeks at a time. Our current groups are closed, but we will be starting up a series of new groups in mid-January. The women in the groups are awesome, and have helped each other through some very difficult times. And guess what, we even find at times, we can laugh! I will be sending out announcements shortly on these new groups, and I hope you’ll be able to join us. In the meantime, please try to get some support locally as this is something you cannot go through alone. Marie, all my best prayers for you and your family. One thing I know for sure, and that many of the ladies who read and contribute to this blog can tell you, is that God is faithful and good and He will be there for you. He will never turn you away. Take courage, sister! He loves you and so do we! -R

By: Marie

Marie — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:28:35 +0000

I’ve been married for more than 28 years. Within the last month I discovered that my husband has had an affair with one woman, sexual of nature for more than 17 years, and then, a secret non-sexual relationship, with this same woman, until last month when I found out. I also found out that he was giving her money, monthly, for the past 5 years. Thousands of dollars.

Multiple steps have been taken with everything from blocking phone calls, no more evening office hours, police reports, and seeing a doctor. I am pretty numb, as far as my emotional process goes. The doctor mentioned something called…..”sexual addiction.” I’ve researched this term and out of the list of warning signs…….my husband had more than half. I have no one to talk with about this. No one. He was very, very good at keeping this secret. Do I love him ? Yes. Do I want to stay married to him ? Yes. Do I trust him ? No. I don’t know how to gain trust back. I wish there was a book. I wish I had known the signs. I cannot throw away 3 kids, 4 G-kids, and 28 years of good memories and milestones. What advise is out there for someone like me ? I am in my mid 50’s and he is in his mid 60’s. Thanks.