SHEmergency: He’s having an affair.

You just found out your husband’s having an affair. What now?”

1. Make sure he knows that you know, and that you’re requiring him to take immediate action to terminate the relationship with the other party, and to work with you on repairing the damage that’s been done to your marriage. Don’t accept a simple, “Sorry, it won’t happen again.” Instead, let him know the situation warrants action in addition to apology.

2. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken to begin restoration. These steps should include:

(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address the damage that’s been done and any long term problems that may have existed in your marriage .

(b) Accountability through a group or an individual for your husband to insure he’s taking steps to prevent a repeat of this behavior .

(c)  A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re recovering from this blow.

3. Resist the urge to shame, accuse, or demean him for his actions. His failure may have given you the “upper hand” in your marriage (since he’s the bad guy now) but you’ll suffer for it in the end if you use your pain as an occasion to emotionally beat him up. Be honest about your anger and hurt, by all means, but avoid name calling, humiliating, or denigrating him to other people or your children. In the end, you’ll deeply regret that sort of behavior, and you’ll find it only increases the damage that’s already been done.

4. If your husband has been sexually active outside your marriage, then consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.

5. Expect to grieve the loss of your marriage’s innocence, and the loss of confidence in your man. Sometimes you’ll rage; sometimes you’ll weep; sometimes you’ll feel downright comatose! Don’t try to rush the grieving process, and make no apologies, to yourself or anyone, for your pain. You’ve sustained a deep and indescribable injury, so take care of your wounds and give them time to heal up.
Key Verses
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
-Romans 8: 28

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.”
-Ephesians 4: 32

 The Game Plan: The Men’s Thirty Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity
by Joe Dallas

Genesis Counseling Two-Day Couples Intensives
with Joe and Renee Dallas

WifeBoat Support Groups

She-Mergency is a trademark of Renee Dallas.  All Rights Reserved.


  1. This is now my life as well. It’s the last thing I thought I’d choose. Not what I signed up for when I got married. I need to know where to go from here. What’s best for my 3 and 4 year old?

  2. Linda,
    How devestating this must be for you, and I can just feel the pain in your words. So often when something like this happens, the men get a degree of relief knowing their secret sin is finally getting dealt with. But the wives are left to deal with this in a very lonely place. How do you process your feelings, how do you accept this and “move on”? Why are you expected to? How do you forgive, and can you ever trust again? Does he realize how deeply he’s wounded you? Those are all the questions that don’t always have easy answers.

    In addition to going to joint counseling, I hope you have someone of your own to get support from. If you don’t feel like you have a safe person or place to go, I would strongly suggest getting involved in one of our WifeBoat Online Support Groups. These are confidential groups with women who are dealing with the same things you are, and there is great value in hearing thier stories and receiving comfort and “group wisdom” from them. Our next group is starting again in May, so I would encourage you to check the link on this site,WifeBoat Support Groups and consider registering. I also work with women on an individual support basis, when they are unable to attend the group. Please let me know if you have any questions about the format, or scheduling. I hope you can join us. God bless. -R

  3. Linda Sills says:

    I found out in August 2009 that my husband had an affair with a girl our daughters age. He went from this affair into pornography. At that time, in August, I walked in on him for the second time watching pornography and masterbating. The first time he said that he found this DVD on the parking lot of the grocery store and he was just watching it to see what it was all about. I sort of belived this. When I found him in August he immediately confessed and found a Christian counselor. He started going every Monday night and then I was asked to go also. I was humiliated to be there. I could only think, I am 65 years old and what am I doing here. We have been going to counseling since then every Monday night. I can’t seem to get through this with any dignity or composure. He, my husband seems to be adjusting fine, promises no porn, no affairs, etc. I can’t believe the path my life has taken. What must I do to be somewhat normal again or will I ever be? Please help me.

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