Husbands on the Hotseat

It seems when there’s been a betrayal in a marriage, there’s the never ending quest for reassurance.  But sometime in that quest wives get caught between a rock and a hard place:  how often should I ask him questions I think are important, especailly when he seems unresponsive?  My husband just posted a great article on that called Mrs. Interrogator – Am I Ever Gonna Be Off the Hotseat?

Take a read… and let me know what you think.-R



  1. Renee,

    It’s been some time since i visited here. I have been soul searching…I’m very thankful that the time since then, I allowed God to heal me. And ofcourse, I prayed for my husband too, and our marriage, our kids and our family. I even prayed for the girl that may He touched her too and leave us be.

    Renee, I have attended a wedding, and they gave each guest a CD…It’s a movie actually. “Fireproof” that’s the title of the movie…I have seen it and the story is about marriage….a failing one almost. But God intervenes…If you have seen it, or if still planning to check on it, I think and i would like to share it here whoever may be able to read this… May that movie inspire a lot of partners./couples…who believes that “What God has put together, let no man put assunder…)

    Merry Christmas and a Happy new year….God bless…

  2. Red,
    Thanks for the poem, and I think it does describe what many women face when a husband is in sexual sin, unrepentant, and has an attutude of extreme entitlement. It illustrates the need for a wife to set boundaries, and to take necessary steps to prevent further disrespect. You asked the question, “Is it time for me to let him go… give up?” — since I only know what you’ve told us in your posts, I can only speculate that there has been extreme disrespect of you and betrayal of your marriage vows. I would hightly recommend you get into counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor who can help you sort out the details in making a decision like this. Just remember, “expressing” your feelings is one thing; taking necessary action is another. You’ll need support to make the changes you need, so please seek out counseling so you can make and informed and reasoned decision that will benefit you most. -R

  3. My apologies for the use of some “terms” I need to express myself in such a way. I need also to hear if its time for me to let him go…give up? Thanks many…My regards to you, Renee…God Bless…

  4. EDITING NOTE: This post has been edited from it’s original version. I reserve the right to either remove entirely or edit if content is deemed inappropriate. -R

    Guys, peace be with you all…I just wrote this poem just out of the blue.

    Title: “You Don’t Understand Me”

    That, hurting you is right …
    Because you gained weight & gave birth to my children.
    Yet, you just gave me home
    And love me more

    You don’t understand me…

    Because, you take care of the kids
    Serve food on the table
    While she is younger
    And I long to be with her

    You don’t understand me…

    Because I am your King.
    You should submit to me as a wife
    As I submit to her with my body

    You don’t understand me…

    Because you are soft spoken, kind and gentle
    Because you are wrong in my life
    What’s right is a shiny car
    And a young mistress at my side

    You don’t understand me…

    Because you’re place is a pathetic boring wife
    The thrill of the ride is gone
    Not the one who makes my blood run
    And pumps me up, turns me on.

    You don’t understand me…

    Because I am right can’t you see?
    I am happy in this affair
    I don’t care if you suffer
    And I am doing this because I love you.

    You just can’t simply understand me.

  5. Red,

    These days, being that far away isn’t as difficult, and I have worked with ladies via Skype, on an Individual Basis. Our support group meets for 2 hours a week online, through meeting software. We have a brief teaching presentation, and then a discussion time. We use a 12 week curriculum that includes weekly reading and journaling, then spend time in the group getting feedback from each other and support to purse the things each individual wishes to work on. Some of the subjects include setting and maintaining boundaries, dealing with anger, grief, wounded femininity, forgiveness, dealing with children, rebonding.

    At this time, I have a few people interested in starting a new group, which I will probably run on either Tuesday or Thursday evenings from 4:00-6:00pm Pacific Standard Time. I hope to start within in the next two weeks. I’n not sure what the time difference is, but perhaps it would be a possiblity for you. If not, the Skype option is workable. I don’t know of any ministry in your area at this time, although it is possible that your local church’s women’s ministiry director can assist you.

    Please let me know if this sounds like something you’d like to pursue, and if you have any other questions. I’ll be happy to answer whatever I can. -R

  6. Dear Renee, I am so much interested in the group support. i have checked it out. But, i am in Iloilo, Philippines. So i was wondering if there is any nearby office/ group, based here where i can go to? Kinda far huh? But I believe that it’s God’s way of reaching out to me…That by finding your site is not an accident but His way of communicating to me…That God is just a keyboard away…I can’t help but smile here at the thought of that. And He use people like you…:-) If not, I wish your cause which is to help women like me, will spread all over the world. who knows in time, you can start one here (in Iloilo), cause I know there are many who are victims and in the same crisis as i do. Take care, and many thanks to angels here on earth…people like you…God bless…Red

  7. Hi Red,
    Yes, that’s one of the reasons I started the blog, so please read and comment. It sounds to me like you need to talk and this a great avenue to do it.

    Also, I will be starting up a support group online in the next few weeks. There is information on the website about it, so if you’re interested, it sounds like something that would be beneficial to you. Please let me know if this sounds like something you may be interested in.
    Blessings, R

  8. Dear Renee, i hope its okay if i talk with others here…or made comments…my apology if its not permissible…Red

  9. Dear Karen, How are you now? I hope you are doing well. I read what you have posted here. And somehow, i can relay to your experience and some insights on how you handle the situation. Women who experienced and undergone what we went or we are going through, will feel insecure, and always needed all the assurance that we are still loved. Personally, I myself just cannot accept still what my husband did. Even if i love him so much and he said that I am his true love…I will always be reminded what he said to the other woman…Trust is gone…and things will never be the same. There are many ways to look for help. But I have decided to myself that i will anchor mine to the Lord and no one elses’. You are right that it is only God where we can turn to and surrender everything to Him. He will provide peace and inner strength to fight for our marriage and our family…In times of doubt, and when the enemy is attacking…my husband is working at sea…and only when they are docking that we can communicate…Which is always not enough whenever he calls…sometimes no signal, he will be on duty, meaning we cannot talk long enough to have a concrete or well defined settlements…and during such times…my mind is thinking that he is probably talking to the other woman as well…being sweet…caring…i can feel the spark is gone…the romance…and i am so desperately trying hard but its like putting up a fire on a wet timber…Hope you can read this…Pls pray for us…as i will pray for u and all the victims…In Christ…Red

  10. Dear Renee, I’m so thankful that you have replied…i was on the verge of drowning…from pain and heartaches…i want to be free from it all…I have tried talking to my cousin, but i feel that she is Pro Me, and i thought, talking here can give me the advice that i need…the kind of advice which is objective and anchored to Christian values and all…So thank you…I will do my best to pay it forward as soon as I have recovered from my situation…I wanted so much to move on…But the feeling that u r struck in the middle…and wondering which way to go? It catches on me…I have lost my self confidence…and I am so insecure…its slowly eating me…But just by writing here, somehow, helps me. Thanks…

  11. Dear Red,
    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I’m sorry to hear about how this is affecting your family and work. You said that you need a friend, and I hope we can help here… but I am concerned because it sounds like you don’t have anyone to talk to. It sounds like a pretty serious situation and you need relief in several areas.

    First you need to talk to someone, like a trusted friend, or pastor. It’s not good to keep all this inside – the pressure and preoccupation with this can be debilitating and you have children to care for. Secondly, you need help to sort out what action you should be talking in setting boundaries with your husband, and often, when a wife discovers something as devestating as this, she needs help to sort this out. This includes finding out what his intentions are for your marriage – if he wants to stay in the marriage, you have every right to expect him to be faithful, and therefore, you should be looking for actions and attitudes from him that indicate he takes this seriously and will be getting help for himself. Counseling, recovery groups, accountaility partners, etc.

    Many women who find out about a husband’s betrayal don’t feel they have anyplace to go, and I understand that. But it is crucial for you to get some help as soon as possible. If you cannot find help in your area, WifeBoat offers support groups, and Individual Support Coaching. If you’d like more information about that, please go to our tab under support groups. You’re not meant to go through this alone. We’ll be praying the the Lord will lead you to the right place. Please keep in touch. -R

  12. Ladies, this is my second letter…I just need to write here else, I will go crazy. I have discovered my husband unfaithfulness through his email…the account that led me to a dozen other “secret accounts”. he gave me his password to his very main/primary email account…I never realized that it was the key that will open to his other life’s secret doors…after accessing the accounts that I can open, I immediately changed the passwords so that he will not be able to delete the proofs which was written there. Though I know, he can create a new account for his illicit affairs…after our confrontation, he said he has stopped communicating with this other current girl (8 months old), but last night, I opened his ym account…and I never expected that I will be recieving text messages from—her…probably she was thinking that I am he…and I was not able to stop myself…I replied…letting her believe that its him (my husband) whom she was talking to…God…I don;t know if what I did was right…but I am upset…my mind is spinning…I cannot concentrate on my work…she was…holding him back…God…God…God…help me…I need a friend…someone who can talk to me and make me feel alright…please…help me…someone? anybody there????

  13. Hi Susan,
    So sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I hope you can find some encouragement here on WifeBoat. Processing all of this can be overwhelming, and I hope you do also have good freinships and support locally. For more on that, please check out my post, Who’s Holding Your Trampoline. Let me know what you think. We’ll be keeping you in prayer. -R

  14. Hey Ladies,
    I’m new to this stuff. I”m so grateful to have found a place where I can speak freely to people that understand where I’m at. This whole thing is devastating. I became divorced several years ago after “holding on” for 28 years. My ex was unfaithful to me with other women. Then I met my current husband and I find out he has same sex attraction. This is like a repeated shot with a canon. I don’t think I can take it too much longer. I want to hold on because my husband really is a wonderful man, but I don’t have it in me. I think I’ll just read these postings and process…. finding my way . Thank you all!

  15. Well my husband betrayed me almost 7 years ago and we decided to work on it because you know how sorry they are once caught about the affair, me deciding to take the chance I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. He says that he loves me and the kids and that he doesnt want to loose us but he has become such a stranger, he is a horrible person to live with, I am not sure if he is still having an affair but he comes and goes whenever he wants, somtimes he doesnt even come home, he disrespects in which ever way he sees fit, he does not contribute to the household fiancially or the kids. He is never home from work when the kids go to bed and he just has this I dont care attitude even on his birthday which was last week Tuesday I tried to do something special and surprize him up to today I still dont know where he was or who was with. The kids adore him and they heard me once tell him to move out and my elderest daughter told me if her dad leaves she is also leaving. I try not to discuss things in front of the kids when they wake up in the morning and he is there and they ask I say that he has already left for work. If on a weekend he is not there I tell them he is at work and I am tired of making excuses for him and have the kids see him as a saint. I sometimes feel like I am loosing my mind because I have never told my parents, sisters, or bothers what I have been going through with this man for all this time and each day I get up go to work and keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay, but after all these years I am tired of raising 3 kids all by myself, having to work for them all by myself, keep food on the table, make sure that all the bills are paid and the house is neat and tidy. I love my kids more than life itself but I think I am reach the point in my life where I am tired of being married to man who is selffish and betrayed my by having an affair and even thou he wanted me to give another chance I feel that he does not deserve this, on the 2nd of December this year we will be married for 10years how much more unhappiness and lonelyness do I have to bear.


  16. I bumped into this website by chance and am so glad to find women going through the exact same challenges that I do. This husband sexual addiction thing is so difficult and so complicated sometimes I feel like am the only person in the whole world going through it. So thankyou for showing me that am not alone.
    My husband had multiple affairs and was addicted to porn and masturbation; he ofcourse managed to keep all this secret for the eight years we were dating until one night, (three months before our wedding and when we already had a child and were living together), he confessed. That night is forever etched in my mind because my world as I knew it before completely changed.
    I decided to go ahead and marry him; mostly because I felt his confession meant he sincerely wanted to turn a new leaf. I also wanted my child to have a father (unlike me whose parents divorced). Also to be honest, he’s the only man I have ever dated and I just couldn’t picture life without him; I know that probably sounds pathetic but its the truth.
    Fast forward two years later, there have been ups and downs but generally he seems to be on the right path to recovery. He continually reads his Bible and prays, attends a man’s prayer meeting and truly seems committed to putting his past behind him. However, I still have a million questions and feel very resentful every so often. Sometimes this is triggered by a totally unrelated issue. For example I went on a work trip and the evening I got back he changed the bed sheets. I was certain he was changing them because he had been masturbating. When I confronted him and demanded to know why the sheets needed to be changed the night I arrived, he seemed genuinely shocked and bewildered that his nice act of having a clean bed for his wife can be misinterpreted. We didn’t talk for a week and I ended up feeling bad for being ‘overly suspicious’. Other times, its his phone. If he seems to be on it for a bit too long, I get all suspicious and start thinking that he’s back to surfing porn. Then I find out he was just checking his mail or something and I end up feeling like am such a bad person. Other times its when he goes out clubbing and comes back in the early hours of the morning and I wonder who he was with. The worst thing though is I never know for sure if my suspicions are unfounded or not.
    Then there are the millions of questions that go through my head. I often want to ask him to go over the details again of who he was seeing, when and more importanly why. I have learnt to hold back these questions because they upset him since as he puts it he wants to put the past behind and my constant questions just remind him of that same past.
    Then, and probably the worst of all, is my own mind going through what he did with those women. Not a single day has passed for the last two years that I don’t think about him and those women. Anytime we get intimate, that’s all I think about. ‘Did he do this with her?’ ‘Is that what he used to tell her as well?’etc Its horrible because I rarely enjoy sex and he can tell am not into it and ends up being upset about it.
    Sometimes I wonder if the nightmare will ever end and if I will ever be ‘normal’ again. Its such a slow and painful process. But I do find each day it gets better albeit a little. I live in constant fear of finding a text, an email, a call….something to indicate he’s back there. But I have learnt that you really can never control such things. You just have to lay it at Jesus’ feet and trust him with your life and marriage.
    I will pray for all you ladies. God bless.

  17. Lynn, You are most definitely NOT alone. Sad thing is that although we would never wish our battles on our worst enemy… takes someone who has been through them to be able to comprehend what we deal with and our struggles with all this. I am a firm believer that sin is sin and all things are forgivable by God…….BUT I also know that some things just hurt an extreme amount more and take much more time and effort to heal. Only God can be the strength we need to fight this thing. I often find myself running back to God and asking for renewed peace about the whole thing. The best way to describe the process is one big emotional roller coaster that you are afraid to stay on for fear of being hurt even more but also fear getting off for fear of letting go of the family you so much desire to keep. The ups and downs are still intense even though our husbands think it should all be better and don’t want to bring up the past any more.

    Diana, Thank you for your insight. I wish my hubsnd could see that the more easily and openly he answers a question the easier it is for me to let the whole issue go and move on. I think I have improved in the ability to stop myself from questioning him with every question that comes to me and also I have learned to time my questions better (most of the time anyways) but I do find myself still bothered by things lately. Often it will be a dream or a trigger that I know he did not cause but talking about it is the only way for me to deal with how I am feeling. I have discovered that starting off conversations about a dream or something that I know he did not do seems to be my best avenue to finding out what I need to know without starting the all out war of him wanting to leave the past in the past and helps me to navigate all the triggers that make me feel like something is just not quite right. He will talk about things as long as he does not think I am accusing him of something. Sometimes I just need to hear the words “No I will never hurt you like that again” just one more time (or a thousand more times). It all comes back to…….still after all this time……. needing reassurance. This time of year is hard for me because it was at this time four years ago that the world as I knew it fell apart and the battle of uncertainty and just how much free will plays into everything began. God has given me peace time and time again and I continue to rely on Him to be able to fight for our marriage and family.

    You will both be added to my prayers and other here I am sure and I also very much ask for yours.


  18. I appreciated Joe’s post about the tendency for wives to interrogate their husbands. I used to do that even before I knew about his same sex pornography. Most men who are hiding sin are terribly self-protective and being questioned intensely triggers a lot of defensiveness even if it is just about a trip to the grocery store. The biggest sign to me that my husband was on the way to recovery was his humility and patience with my questioning. However, he is only human, and those triggers will never be completely gone I guess. Expressing affirmation of each other whenever possible has been healing for us. It has been important in my recovery to remember that “in quietness and trust is my strength” (Isaiah 30). No woman (whether her husband has committed sexual sin or not) can be completely sure her husband won’t let her down. My hope is in the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth. I will never be ashamed of that trust and hope.

  19. Wow, I do not have any suggestions, but I do have a comment. I have been searching for something that could help address my feelings. I have for so long felt that I am all alone in this strugle with my husband. (who struggles with same sex attraction) it has caused a lot of heartache and pain for both of us. After reading your post I must say the words you wrote are my feelings, that I have never been able to put into words. I am so releived to know that I am not alone. Please don’t give up. The emeny tries very hard to destory families any way he can, I will keep you in my prayers, please do the same. Thank you.

  20. Even after four years of struggling with these issues my husband and I still deal with this. He does not understand that my questions are not accusations but a cry out for the reassurance that I STILL need often. He also does not understand that when he gets defensive it only feeds the insecurities that rise up in me from time to time. It all feels like a never ending cycle.I have told him these things before but it never helps in the mist of a battle over my needs verses his tendancy to withdraw. Any suggestions???

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