What the Heck Was He Thinking?

I think this post on a husband’s mind set will help some of you ladies understand how a guy–a Christian guy no less — can get in so over his head with the use of porn, and other sexual sins.  My husband’s post today explains it very well – check it out and let me know what you think!

The Compartmentalizer

Year after year I’ve heard wives agonize over the deliberate, devastating choices their husbands have made. “What was he thinking?” they’ll cry, “and how could he do a thing like that if he loved me?” The conclusion they often come to – in error – is that he used the porn, or had the affair, or acted out in some other way, because he stopped loving her. How else can his selfish, destructive behavior be explained?

Hard to believe, but truthfully, a man can love his wife and still betray her in the worst of all ways, because love is not a guarantee of faithfulness. Granted, unfaithfulness is intolerable, and no excuse for it can ever be made. But it does not necessarily indicate lack of love. Lack of maturity, perhaps, or lack of discipline, character, common sense. But love? Well, if the history of men and women in scripture teaches us anything, it’s that genuine love and human imperfection can and often do walk hand in hand.  Read More


  1. Nancy,
    I use the spaghetti/waffle analogy often (from the book by Bill and Pam Farrel), and I think it can be helpful in trying to navigate the differences men and women have in general, and it can be helpful when talking some of the harder issues.

    You expressed fear about your husband getting too comfortable and acting out again. I’d encourage you to follow up with him on his recovery and accountability plan, and work on communicating more about that. You may feel more reasssured if you had a clear picture of what structure your husband is incorporating into his life, and how he will actively take the initiative in communicating that with you. If you need help in having that conversation, perhaps a session with your pastor or a Christian counselor can help get the communication flowing. But it is important that you don’t let your fears keep you from pursuing clarity… that’s just a set up for problems down the line.

    Please keep in touch, Nancy. -R

  2. My husband and I live by the motto: I’m spaghetti and he is a waffle. Though I understand the concept and can even see it at work through the other areas of our lives it doesn’t make it any easier to understand. I am hurting deeply right now and though I have seen my God move mightily in our lives my fear is that once he is comfortable again he will just simply unlock that back room again.

  3. Selfishness, I believe, is the root cause. When my husband overcomes his need to put himself above all, even God, only then will he be a peace.

  4. Diana,
    I TOTALLY hear you! While my husband, too, has and is making progress, he is still number one in his world. I don’t even believe he comprehends how selfish he is. It’s getting very old, and I am getting very frustrated because his progress….although apparent….is slooooooow goooooooing.

    You are correct. We cannot afford to be blind, overly-trusting, or naive. The price is too great.

    I continue to be in prayer for us all.

  5. I get this idea to a certain extent. But I think what hurt the most about my husband’s unfaithfulness with pornography was the sad feeling that though he might still love me he would always love himself more than me. His self-protectiveness (I think compartmentalization primarily serves as self-protection) and self love would (apart from a work of God in his life) most strongly influence his thinking and emotions. When forced to choose between indulging his self and being true to me he would throw me under the bus. I sometimes wondered if the two of us were in a sinking boat who would get the life jacket. This sounds like a gross exageration, but it has been the intuition that I have had. I do see God working. However, I don’t think I can ever afford to be naive about where I stand and who I put my trust in for my security.

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