Renee Dallas

My husband and I were both Christians when we married. We both had gotten saved a few years before our marriage. It was 1974, before the out of the closet life was prevalent. My husband struggled with homosexuality and we ended up seperated for 5 years. We had 4 children. I never remember a home that we lived in where he did not sometimes stray and fall. I loved him and often longed for him and I know that he really loved me. He tried to go to hard core preaching services to help himself, but he never lost his attraction for men. As a fundamental Baptist I was taught to stand by him , although we did seperate when he told me he know longer had feelings for me. My real problem now is that he died 5 years ago from an accidental overdose of an addicting drug and I can not sort out my guilt. Because of everything I was distant with him and I rarely let him touch me. I was mad at him and I feel that I am partly responsible for his inability to overcome, and also his early death. I talk to the Lord about this all the time. My children get upset with me because they feel I mimimize their Dad’s actions. I think we really loved each other, but I can’t admit the many many bad, painful times. Do you have any suggestions? My husband was a good man and helped many people in his life. He was not able to stay committed and had several affairs with men. I am currently not going to church and I am doubting the Lord. It sometimes feels like we were playing a game and nothing is real. I do see a counselor, but sometimes I am very superficial with what I say. Thank you for listening.