I’ve been wanting to explore the issue of abandonment for several months now, because it seems to be an issue that comes up again and again during the WifeBoat Support Groups. Here’s Part I of a guest post I did for my husband’s blog, JoeDallasOnline.com.  Look for Part II next week, when  I address how to move from fear-based relating to more a God-centered and secure way of dealing with fear of abandonment.  Blessings, R.

Left Behind: The Problem

Can you imagine a little girl raised in poverty because her father squandered the family income on alcohol and gambling? You can just see her growing up determined to never experience that sort of betrayal again. She puts herself through college, gets a promising job, saves monthly and carefully guards her income. She kind if reminds me of Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist saying “I’ll never be hungry again!” Never again, this girl tells herself, and she means it. Mr. Right comes along eventually and she marries, but her old fears are intact. Still, she knows she has to trust if she’s going to wed, so she pools her resources with her husband’s, only to find that within a year he, like her father, has been secretly squandering it on booze and partying. Read more at JoeDallasOnline.com

I think this post on a husband’s mind set will help some of you ladies understand how a guy–a Christian guy no less — can get in so over his head with the use of porn, and other sexual sins.  My husband’s post today explains it very well – check it out and let me know what you think!

The Compartmentalizer

Year after year I’ve heard wives agonize over the deliberate, devastating choices their husbands have made. “What was he thinking?” they’ll cry, “and how could he do a thing like that if he loved me?” The conclusion they often come to – in error – is that he used the porn, or had the affair, or acted out in some other way, because he stopped loving her. How else can his selfish, destructive behavior be explained?

Hard to believe, but truthfully, a man can love his wife and still betray her in the worst of all ways, because love is not a guarantee of faithfulness. Granted, unfaithfulness is intolerable, and no excuse for it can ever be made. But it does not necessarily indicate lack of love. Lack of maturity, perhaps, or lack of discipline, character, common sense. But love? Well, if the history of men and women in scripture teaches us anything, it’s that genuine love and human imperfection can and often do walk hand in hand.  Read More

It seems when there’s been a betrayal in a marriage, there’s the never ending quest for reassurance.  But sometime in that quest wives get caught between a rock and a hard place:  how often should I ask him questions I think are important, especailly when he seems unresponsive?  My husband just posted a great article on that called Mrs. Interrogator – Am I Ever Gonna Be Off the Hotseat?

Take a read… and let me know what you think.-R

Anthony Weiner has recently indicated that he will be getting help to deal with his sexual issues, and for that, well… I’m glad.  He seems to have employed the “Chineese water torture” method of disclosure that my husband often talks about when he’s counseling men about what not to do.  But at least now, it all out in the open. 

Many of you have questions about what to expect when someone decides to get help for this, and for an intellegent discussion on this, I’d recommend that you read my husband’s blog post Congressman Weiner Seeks Help So What Should Help Look Like?

Video to Vent To
But if you’d like to just like to vent about the state of men these days, let’s get real! I found this clip from the musical Kiss Me Kate that I thought would help that process along. Enjoy!

Join me for our next WifeBoat Online Support Group
Starting Tuesday nights: March 15th – May 17th  

I’ve had many women ask me how they could possibly cope after finding out the devastating news that their husband had been using pornography, having an affair or feeling homosexual attractions.  These grieving wives have often felt there was no place to turn to talk safely and openly about what they were dealing with.  Family, friends, and career concerns have been some of the reasons why.

That’s why I started the WifeBoat Online Support groups.  In the confidential setting of the groups, women from all over the country have felt the relief of being able to talk with others in the same situation and have received support, encouragement and insight.

Our 12-week program uses Biblically-based curriculum, including journaling questions designed to help each wife sort out her thoughts on grieving, boundaries, healthy re-bonding, forgiveness and trust. And as they do this, the group benefits from each other.  Even though our groups have been made up of women from different states, different ages and different specifics, we have all felt the unifying effect of God’s presence during our meetings.

So if you need a place to work through the pain of a marriage in crisis, I invite you to join our newest group, which begins March 15^th.  To register, please follow the links to the left.  Or, don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions you may have.

Remember, you don’t have to go it alone.  WifeBoat has a place onboard for you.

God Bless,
Renee Dallas, Founder, WifeBoat.com

I just want to let you know how very much I appreciated the group and your leadership.  I will be praying for your new support  group.  God has used and is using you in a mighty way and I will be eternally grateful. – Group Participant

I have taught on the subject of worship and healing ever since I worked for a Christian music company that specifically focused on worship. But I’ve also drawn heavily on my own experiences and those of the women I’ve worked with through the years.  I’m reposting this article in the hope that in this New Year, you’ll find something that speaks to you and will help you draw nearer to the Source of Healing.

I learned this during the time I worked through the pain of my first husband’s betrayal: personal worship leads to healing.  At first I was so numb; the jarring realization of what had happened left me wounded, grieving and hopeless.  But as I found myself murmuring vague prayers reaching out to God, I was drawn to the music of praise. During this time of personally connecting with the Lord, the most meaningful healing happened for me—soul-to soul in that place where only He could reach, I heard Him communicate His love for me.

Paradox of Praise in Pain
It seems paradoxical to praise God when your whole life has been turned upside down.  But pain can create a thirst in us that drives us to connect with the Creator who alone has the ability to give comfort and meaning.  David talked about this in the Psalms when he wrote:

 “As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.   My soul thirsts for God, the living God. When can I go and meet with God?”  Psalm 42:1-2

Reframing Our Thinking, Changing Our Hearts
This means a lot when you consider how bound up we can be in pain that we lose our perspective. The Psalms are full of examples of praise to God in times of turbulence and confusion.  In Psalm 73 we find David discouraged and angry at the injustice he observed all around him.  In fact, he admitted to being envious of arrogant prideful people who seemed to have everything going for them except a conscience.

And so he entered the sanctuary of God (v. 17) and his perceptions were corrected. He emerged with a new understanding of reality from God’s viewpoint:

 “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and  ignorant; I was a brute beast before You.  Yet, I am always with You.  You hold  me by your right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel and afterward you will  take me to glory.” Psalm 72: 26

David’s heart changed from bitterness to trust and reliance as he realized God’s ultimate authority over injustice and God’s goodness towards him personally. He concluded:

 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my  portion forever”. v 26

So much that’s happening in our lives can be bleak and seem insurmountable, just like David’s did.  But rather than wait for the circumstances to change, he went into the sanctuary.

A Temple Not Made with Hands
As New Testament believers we no longer need to enter into a building or rely on a priest to worship God.  We are able to connect with God one-to-one through the work of Jesus.  His death tore down the veil of separation between God and man and He ever lives to intercede for us! (Hebrews 10:19-20, Matt. 27:51)  Through the work of the Holy Spirit we ourselves have access to the inner court of God–our own private sanctuary where we meet Him to worship. (Ephesians 2:22, I Corinth 6:19)

Jesus promised the Holy Spirit would be our Comforter and Counselor in John 14:16-17:

 “And I will give you another Counselor to be with your forever—the Spirit of  truth.  The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.   But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you” (Emphasis added)

Since we don’t have an outward building how do we enter into that ‘building not made with hands” and worship God?  My preferred way is to use a combination of reading scripture and the music of praise and worship. With those tools, I try to keep in mind three things: Focus-Consider-Vocalize

Focus
When we focus on God’s greatness rather than our own problems and weaknesses it puts things in their proper perspective. “Psalms often describe the person of God, his sublime attributes” says Ron Allen in his book Praise a Matter of Life and Breath. He says “To praise the name of God is to say something right about God.  When we say “God is good”, we’re praising His Name.”  RC Sproul, in his book Knowing God describes praise as “noting God’s nature and character as His Word and works reveal it.”
 
So the first step in entering in is to focus on Him and not us.

Consider
As we focus on His attributes, it naturally leads us to consider God’s history with us. What has He done in your life? How has He provided for you?  What specific times can you indentify God meeting you in tangible answers to prayer? 

Next, what do you feel God inviting you to do? Enter in, obey, and trust? Repent? When we begin to focus on the attributes of God and come into the light as He is in the light (I John 1:7) we often become aware of something He is asking us to do, believe or receive. This is the time to consider what those are and commit to them as necessary.

Vocalize
Speaking and singing aloud involve recognition and rejoicing in the love He has shown you and it draws you into fellowship with Him. Your words have the power of faith and affirmation.

 “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.  Sing and make  music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for  everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” Ephesians 5:19-20

 “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise— the fruit of our lips that confess His name.” Hebrews 13:15

 “It is written, “I believed, therefore I have spoken” With that same spirit of faith  we also believe and therefore speak.” 2 Corinth 4:13

Praise Puts Victory and Healing in Sight
Psalm 116 is one the most intimate declarations of love for the Lord.  The Psalmist outlines his grief and trouble, how God answered prayers with such goodness that He could not do anything else but vocalize his praise to God for everyone to hear. (Psalm 116:18-19) The take-away for us is an encouragement that we too, can find rest, peace and healing when we call on the Lord in worship.

“Yet there is one common element… the concept of praise.  No matter   how intense the heart at the beginning of a Psalm of pain, ultimately the Psalm will lead to praise.” Ron Allen, Praise: A Matter of Life and Breath

Below is a “Praise Mix” I have on my iPod.  I’d love it if you’d share some of your favorite mixes with us!

Renee’s Praise Mix 1
Ain’t No Rock (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
There is a Higher Throne (Keith & Kristyn Getty, In Christ Alone)
Strong Tower (Kutless, Strong Tower)
Better is One Day (Kutless, Strong Tower)
Bring the Rain (Mercy Me, Coming Up to Breathe)
Only Your Love (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
I Surrender All (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
Freely Forgiven (Psalms Alive-no longer available)
There is A River (Psalms Alive –no longer available)
Word of God Speak (Kutless, Strong Tower)
In Christ Alone (Keith & Kristyn Getty, In Christ Alone)

Every Christmas I seem to get bogged down in the details.  I think it’s because I’m a first-born and I have the incredible sense of responsibility to do things perfectly, from the way I fold the dishtowels to the way I hang the Christmas wreath. When I’m in this state, I don’t appreciate and enjoy the wonderous thoughts and reflections of the season. I just go like gangbusters, get exhausted and start feeling unappreciated.  O Martha, thy name is Renee.  And this is no way to do Christmas.

I  love the Lord and  He is so patient when I say, ”Could you wait a minute… I’ve got to straighten out this mess on the sofa!  I’ll be right with you.”  But today I heard Him more urgently reminding me, calling me:

I’m with you. I want you to be with Me.I had allowed stress to make me insensitive to Him, not realizing He’s been by my side all along, patiently guiding me, speaking to me and reminding me I’m in His care. The words of the hymn came to me.

 O Come, O Come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Isreal.
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

Mourning in lonely exile. Those words struck me hard, because I think they describe our state without Him in our lives.  Maybe  “lonely exile” is the best way to describe where you find yourself this year. It may be a loneliness that was forced upon you by a husband who has been unfaithful, or it may even be the lonely exile of your own choices.  Regardless of how we get there, Christmas is the reminder that we don’t have to stay there.  The Son of God has appeared and He Himself  has determined to be with us right in the spot we are right now.  His grace sees beyond, and even though outwardly the situation may not seem different, if you allow Him to be with you and you with Him,  it is different and full of purpose and possibilities. That’s why this is a season of hope.  And hope makes us not ashamed, but full of joy.

Rejoice, rejoice!  Emanuel has come to us, O Isreal!  -R

Posts of Christmas Past:
Scroogilla Meets Silent Night
Your Christmas Present Will Become Your Christmas Past

I wanted to let you all know that I will be on KBRT 740.am today, talking about the work of WifeBoat while my husband is guest hosting for Rich Bueler’s show, “Talk from the Heart”.

If anyone wants to listen, it’s on at KBRT AM 740 3:00-5:00pm PST. You can also listen live online at http://www.kbrt740.com/ if you go to the site at that time.

Thanks to everyone for keeping the show in prayer, and please continue to pray for Rich, who is ill with a cancer diagnosis, and his family.

Thanks so much!

Renee

Well, today I learned about another way of adding to our children’s vocabulary. Sexual vocabulary, that is. Parents in Helena, Montana are expressing outrage over a new curriculum that proposes that children as young as age five be taught about human sexuality—a proposal which opponents say pushes the boundaries and conflicts with parental prerogative and values.

According to the Fox News report, the curriculum will include such “age-appropriate” information such as diagrams of the male/female sexual anatomy in Kindergarten, teaching first-graders about same sex relationships, and by the age of 10, informing children about “sexual positions” and how to make the right “health decisions” in relation to them.

The parents are rightly concerned. Besides the real worry of early exposure of their children to sexually explicit material, they also know best about when and in what context their child should be taught about sexuality. Understanding sexuality in a healthy way has to do with the relationships that inform it and the emotions and responsibilities that go along with it, not just biological functions and purposely obscure moral judgments. The parental relationship is the primary informing relationship and it should stay that way.

The school district’s proposal demands that parents subject their child to them as the primary informing relationship, allowing them to assume the role of Nanny State. They imply that they know best and they are only taking into consideration those children whose parents are uninvolved. Oh, it’s easy to be cynical of the Nanny State’s agenda when they assume they get it better than the majority of parents.

And here’s a good indication that the Nanny State has an agenda: they seem to presume that at the age of 10 a child will be a relationship where they’ll need to know about sexual positions! I hope not!

All this makes me question the wisdom of acclimating our children to such mature levels of sex-ed at young ages. On this blog, we’ve seen the consequences of sexual addiction and pornography wreaking havoc on our society and families, and how our cultural is continuing to mainstream porn and promote it as an essential to our collective vocabulary.

Is it any wonder they think our kids ought to know their AB Sleaze? What do you think?

Today Joe will be sitting in for Rich Buhler’s ”Talk from the Heart”  show and will be  interviewing three different guests on the impact of pornography on marriages. One of them will be Rick Schatz of the Nat’l Coaliton for the Protection of Families and Children.  The other two will be husbands who dealt with their porn problem, one of whom lost his marriage and the other being a man who rebuilt with his wife.

Please pray the show will help heal marriages.

Listen live online today, June 28th at  3:00 – 5:00pm PST by going to http://www.kbrt740.com/ or at 740AM on your dial if you’re in Southern California.