One of the things that I find comes up in coversations with wives over and over again is the issue of a husband’s ambivalence towards his recovery.  On the one hand they seem to say, “Yes, I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and I don’t like the consequences of it.” and on the other side, their actions (or lack thereof) seem to say, “But I don’t want to give it up–it feels too good, it’s become too important to me”.  The wife finds herself in an excruciating state of frustration.  While he seems to be giving lip-service to what he knows to be right, acting upon what he knows to be right is another story.

I’m reminded of what Jesus said in Revelation 3:16 when He talked about the distaste He felt for those who said they were Christ-followers, but seemed to only to engage Him in a lukewarm way.  The danger of being lukewarm is that you can be lulled into thinking you’re in a safe place, when you’re actually in “danger from mixed motives and disregarded principles…having religion enough the lull the consicence but not religion enough to save the soul.”(Jamieson, Faucett and Brown).

Where a wife needs to see “the rubber meeting the road” in her husband’s intiative, she sees ambivalence. And that can be hard to deal with, because it leaves her marriage in a sort of  limbo.  How long does she wait patiently as he “processes” without some tangible signs of growth?

Joe and I were talking about this the other day, and he wrote a post that I think will help wives understand how a man’s spiritual walk has much to do with his recovery.  Please take a look at it, and let me know your thoughts. Can you relate?

You can read it here: He’s Just Not That Into Him

Today is the day we remember, as Jesus asked us to do when we celebrate our communion with Him.  In celebrating the last supper He and His disciples would share together before his death on the cross He said, “Do this in rememberance of Me” as He broke the bread. (Luke 22:19) This Good Friday, we remember once again.

I was very moved my husband’s post today, Tears of Rememberance on Good Friday.  It made me thoughtful about how I remember - do I accompany my tears with a change of heart and a move to action? Do I believe that “all things are possible” because of what Christ has done?  Because He made the way for me, do I believe it is possible not only that I will have eternal life, but the ability to overcome the difficulties of my sins and to be with Him, a Victor?

Please read, remember, reflect.  And have a wonderful and blessed Easter.

Read Joe’s post: Tears of Rememberance on Good Friday

For a wife who is dealing with her husband’s sexual sin, part of the process of forgiveness includes coming to an understanding of what she has truly lost by the betrayal, and then beginning to release the debt of the offense against her. If she doesn’t go through this process, I’m not sure she can truly say “from her heart” she has truly forgiven. (Matthew 18:32-35)

But forgiveness can be a challenge because the hurt may still resonate, and the emotions and fears combine to add confusion as to what true forgiveness looks like.  Here are just three common obstacles to true forgiveness:

1. Fear of changing the status quo.
One obstacle is the fear of changing the status quo.  Often a wife will say “I forgive” because she’s scared of setting boundaries and the implications of what that may mean.  She may prefer the comfort of the familiar over the discomfort of facing the truth and making hard corrections in the relationship.  That can be a false forgiveness based on denial.

2. Lack of sufficient information.
Another obstacle is that often a wife doesn’t have enough information. For example, in talking with men on how to disclose to their wives, my husband often tells them to avoid the “Chinese water torture method”.  This is when men confess their sins in drips, drips, drips so that his wife is hardly ever dealing with all the information at one time.  So she may think she’s forgiven him, and then is confronted with yet another transgression.  It wears her down, to the point of exhaustion, and sometimes even cynicism and bitterness.  Counting the cost of the loss and trying to move on is like living in The Twilight Zone!

3.  Confusing messages equating forgiveness with trust.
And a third obstacle is  a confusing notion that forgiveness also means trust.  She may not trust her husband, so a wife may feel reluctant to forgive for fear that it would be misintpreted as trust.  Obviously, the more a husband is willing to come clean with all he’s done to damage the marriage, then the sooner they can deal with it and begin to heal.  But when this doesn’t happen, a wife may have to consider things differently.  She is required to forgive, but that doesn’t automatically translate into trust.  She may have to consider whether or not the relationship can continue based on the trust level she has.

So, to quote a good friend of mine: “True forgiveness comes out of a heart that sees and understands the sin/offense clearly, grieves the losses associate with the sin, and is able to release the debt because of God’s grace” *

Let’s take some time to work through the process of facing the truth of the thing that’s been done, counting the cost, and learning to release the debt to God as an act of faith and trust in Him, knowing that He has forgiven us of our own debts and wants us to forgive those who owe debts to us.  And when it comes to the need for someone to trust, He is ever faithful, never wavers, and has shown His great love to you.  That you can count on. -R

For another article I wrote on forgiveness, please see my recent guest post for Covenant Eyes.

* Mellissa Haas, The Journey

It wouldn’t be fitting to leave you “postless” on St. Valentine’s Day.  I have ruminated about what to say today to the women who read this blog; women who have been hurt by spouses in ways that make them feel… less like a Valentine and more like a discarded newspaper.  Once upon a time, interesting, but today–old news.

I remember feeling like that. Valentine’s Day was particularly difficult for me when I went through the painful rejection in my first marriage. (See It Happened to a Nice Christian Girl)  After all, the day is all about coupling. Sure, February 14th commemorated the martyrdom of St. Valentine, but it was the time of year spring began and birds came out to seek their mates.  In Middle Age England and France they began the tradition of sending out love letters and tokens of love, using this day as vehicle for seeking a mate and pronouncing their intentions. The poetry of the day alludes to it. Here’s a quote from Chaucer’s Parliament of Foules,  as quoted in The Catholic Encyclopedia:

“For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day
Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate.” 1

Well, a chosen mate I seemeth not. Not in the outward circumstances I found myself in.  But in the eternal plan of God, there was another strain of poetry awaiting me, written not by fickle-hearted man, but by the eternal faithful God. The story of His faithful love is told over and over again through the Biblical narrative and the poetry of His Spirit.  What does He say to us all?

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt,
O virgin of Israel!
You shall again be adorned with your tambourines,
And shall go forth in the dances of those who rejoice. -Jermemiah 31: 3-4

This speaks of the heart of God.  We may have suffered from the adversity that others brought on us, or even of our own making like the children of Isreal. But His love unrelentingly draws us; He rebuilds the broken places and puts joy where there once was mourning, grief and regret.

The Original Recycler
I may have been rejected and discarded like an old newspaper.  But God is in the business of recycling.  He takes all the broken pieces of our lives, yesterday’s news and today’s news, and fashions it all into a beautiful expression of renewal and redemption.  All things are made new. We are not only the object of His love, we are the expression of His love.  And for that, we can dance for joy!

So, Happy Valentine’s Day, you are loved by God.  Celebrate His love for you.  He’s the Author and Finisher of Your Faith, and the Lover of Your Soul. -R

I’ve been wanting to explore the issue of abandonment for several months now, because it seems to be an issue that comes up again and again during the WifeBoat Support Groups. Here’s Part I of a guest post I did for my husband’s blog, JoeDallasOnline.com.  Look for Part II next week, when  I address how to move from fear-based relating to more a God-centered and secure way of dealing with fear of abandonment.  Blessings, R.

Left Behind: The Problem

Can you imagine a little girl raised in poverty because her father squandered the family income on alcohol and gambling? You can just see her growing up determined to never experience that sort of betrayal again. She puts herself through college, gets a promising job, saves monthly and carefully guards her income. She kind if reminds me of Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist saying “I’ll never be hungry again!” Never again, this girl tells herself, and she means it. Mr. Right comes along eventually and she marries, but her old fears are intact. Still, she knows she has to trust if she’s going to wed, so she pools her resources with her husband’s, only to find that within a year he, like her father, has been secretly squandering it on booze and partying. Read more at JoeDallasOnline.com

I think this post on a husband’s mind set will help some of you ladies understand how a guy–a Christian guy no less — can get in so over his head with the use of porn, and other sexual sins.  My husband’s post today explains it very well – check it out and let me know what you think!

The Compartmentalizer

Year after year I’ve heard wives agonize over the deliberate, devastating choices their husbands have made. “What was he thinking?” they’ll cry, “and how could he do a thing like that if he loved me?” The conclusion they often come to – in error – is that he used the porn, or had the affair, or acted out in some other way, because he stopped loving her. How else can his selfish, destructive behavior be explained?

Hard to believe, but truthfully, a man can love his wife and still betray her in the worst of all ways, because love is not a guarantee of faithfulness. Granted, unfaithfulness is intolerable, and no excuse for it can ever be made. But it does not necessarily indicate lack of love. Lack of maturity, perhaps, or lack of discipline, character, common sense. But love? Well, if the history of men and women in scripture teaches us anything, it’s that genuine love and human imperfection can and often do walk hand in hand.  Read More

It seems when there’s been a betrayal in a marriage, there’s the never ending quest for reassurance.  But sometime in that quest wives get caught between a rock and a hard place:  how often should I ask him questions I think are important, especailly when he seems unresponsive?  My husband just posted a great article on that called Mrs. Interrogator – Am I Ever Gonna Be Off the Hotseat?

Take a read… and let me know what you think.-R

Anthony Weiner has recently indicated that he will be getting help to deal with his sexual issues, and for that, well… I’m glad.  He seems to have employed the “Chineese water torture” method of disclosure that my husband often talks about when he’s counseling men about what not to do.  But at least now, it all out in the open. 

Many of you have questions about what to expect when someone decides to get help for this, and for an intellegent discussion on this, I’d recommend that you read my husband’s blog post Congressman Weiner Seeks Help So What Should Help Look Like?

Video to Vent To
But if you’d like to just like to vent about the state of men these days, let’s get real! I found this clip from the musical Kiss Me Kate that I thought would help that process along. Enjoy!

Join me for our next WifeBoat Online Support Group
Starting Tuesday nights: March 15th – May 17th  

I’ve had many women ask me how they could possibly cope after finding out the devastating news that their husband had been using pornography, having an affair or feeling homosexual attractions.  These grieving wives have often felt there was no place to turn to talk safely and openly about what they were dealing with.  Family, friends, and career concerns have been some of the reasons why.

That’s why I started the WifeBoat Online Support groups.  In the confidential setting of the groups, women from all over the country have felt the relief of being able to talk with others in the same situation and have received support, encouragement and insight.

Our 12-week program uses Biblically-based curriculum, including journaling questions designed to help each wife sort out her thoughts on grieving, boundaries, healthy re-bonding, forgiveness and trust. And as they do this, the group benefits from each other.  Even though our groups have been made up of women from different states, different ages and different specifics, we have all felt the unifying effect of God’s presence during our meetings.

So if you need a place to work through the pain of a marriage in crisis, I invite you to join our newest group, which begins March 15^th.  To register, please follow the links to the left.  Or, don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions you may have.

Remember, you don’t have to go it alone.  WifeBoat has a place onboard for you.

God Bless,
Renee Dallas, Founder, WifeBoat.com

I just want to let you know how very much I appreciated the group and your leadership.  I will be praying for your new support  group.  God has used and is using you in a mighty way and I will be eternally grateful. – Group Participant

I have taught on the subject of worship and healing ever since I worked for a Christian music company that specifically focused on worship. But I’ve also drawn heavily on my own experiences and those of the women I’ve worked with through the years.  I’m reposting this article in the hope that in this New Year, you’ll find something that speaks to you and will help you draw nearer to the Source of Healing.

I learned this during the time I worked through the pain of my first husband’s betrayal: personal worship leads to healing.  At first I was so numb; the jarring realization of what had happened left me wounded, grieving and hopeless.  But as I found myself murmuring vague prayers reaching out to God, I was drawn to the music of praise. During this time of personally connecting with the Lord, the most meaningful healing happened for me—soul-to soul in that place where only He could reach, I heard Him communicate His love for me.

Paradox of Praise in Pain
It seems paradoxical to praise God when your whole life has been turned upside down.  But pain can create a thirst in us that drives us to connect with the Creator who alone has the ability to give comfort and meaning.  David talked about this in the Psalms when he wrote:

 “As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.   My soul thirsts for God, the living God. When can I go and meet with God?”  Psalm 42:1-2

Reframing Our Thinking, Changing Our Hearts
This means a lot when you consider how bound up we can be in pain that we lose our perspective. The Psalms are full of examples of praise to God in times of turbulence and confusion.  In Psalm 73 we find David discouraged and angry at the injustice he observed all around him.  In fact, he admitted to being envious of arrogant prideful people who seemed to have everything going for them except a conscience.

And so he entered the sanctuary of God (v. 17) and his perceptions were corrected. He emerged with a new understanding of reality from God’s viewpoint:

 “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and  ignorant; I was a brute beast before You.  Yet, I am always with You.  You hold  me by your right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel and afterward you will  take me to glory.” Psalm 72: 26

David’s heart changed from bitterness to trust and reliance as he realized God’s ultimate authority over injustice and God’s goodness towards him personally. He concluded:

 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my  portion forever”. v 26

So much that’s happening in our lives can be bleak and seem insurmountable, just like David’s did.  But rather than wait for the circumstances to change, he went into the sanctuary.

A Temple Not Made with Hands
As New Testament believers we no longer need to enter into a building or rely on a priest to worship God.  We are able to connect with God one-to-one through the work of Jesus.  His death tore down the veil of separation between God and man and He ever lives to intercede for us! (Hebrews 10:19-20, Matt. 27:51)  Through the work of the Holy Spirit we ourselves have access to the inner court of God–our own private sanctuary where we meet Him to worship. (Ephesians 2:22, I Corinth 6:19)

Jesus promised the Holy Spirit would be our Comforter and Counselor in John 14:16-17:

 “And I will give you another Counselor to be with your forever—the Spirit of  truth.  The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.   But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you” (Emphasis added)

Since we don’t have an outward building how do we enter into that ‘building not made with hands” and worship God?  My preferred way is to use a combination of reading scripture and the music of praise and worship. With those tools, I try to keep in mind three things: Focus-Consider-Vocalize

Focus
When we focus on God’s greatness rather than our own problems and weaknesses it puts things in their proper perspective. “Psalms often describe the person of God, his sublime attributes” says Ron Allen in his book Praise a Matter of Life and Breath. He says “To praise the name of God is to say something right about God.  When we say “God is good”, we’re praising His Name.”  RC Sproul, in his book Knowing God describes praise as “noting God’s nature and character as His Word and works reveal it.”
 
So the first step in entering in is to focus on Him and not us.

Consider
As we focus on His attributes, it naturally leads us to consider God’s history with us. What has He done in your life? How has He provided for you?  What specific times can you indentify God meeting you in tangible answers to prayer? 

Next, what do you feel God inviting you to do? Enter in, obey, and trust? Repent? When we begin to focus on the attributes of God and come into the light as He is in the light (I John 1:7) we often become aware of something He is asking us to do, believe or receive. This is the time to consider what those are and commit to them as necessary.

Vocalize
Speaking and singing aloud involve recognition and rejoicing in the love He has shown you and it draws you into fellowship with Him. Your words have the power of faith and affirmation.

 “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.  Sing and make  music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for  everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” Ephesians 5:19-20

 “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise— the fruit of our lips that confess His name.” Hebrews 13:15

 “It is written, “I believed, therefore I have spoken” With that same spirit of faith  we also believe and therefore speak.” 2 Corinth 4:13

Praise Puts Victory and Healing in Sight
Psalm 116 is one the most intimate declarations of love for the Lord.  The Psalmist outlines his grief and trouble, how God answered prayers with such goodness that He could not do anything else but vocalize his praise to God for everyone to hear. (Psalm 116:18-19) The take-away for us is an encouragement that we too, can find rest, peace and healing when we call on the Lord in worship.

“Yet there is one common element… the concept of praise.  No matter   how intense the heart at the beginning of a Psalm of pain, ultimately the Psalm will lead to praise.” Ron Allen, Praise: A Matter of Life and Breath

Below is a “Praise Mix” I have on my iPod.  I’d love it if you’d share some of your favorite mixes with us!

Renee’s Praise Mix 1
Ain’t No Rock (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
There is a Higher Throne (Keith & Kristyn Getty, In Christ Alone)
Strong Tower (Kutless, Strong Tower)
Better is One Day (Kutless, Strong Tower)
Bring the Rain (Mercy Me, Coming Up to Breathe)
Only Your Love (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
I Surrender All (Tommy Coombs Praise Band, Lift Up His Name)
Freely Forgiven (Psalms Alive-no longer available)
There is A River (Psalms Alive –no longer available)
Word of God Speak (Kutless, Strong Tower)
In Christ Alone (Keith & Kristyn Getty, In Christ Alone)