The Faces Behind the Issues
Here in California, we’re in the middle of a huge and heartbreaking controversy over Proposition 8, the marriage amendment that essentially banned same-sex marriage in this state. Amidst all the political upheaval, people often forget the faces behind the issues: many of those faces belong to women who are trying to cope with the revelation that their husband is homosexual. And though the Christian worldview on homosexuality differs from that of our culture, it does not necessarily grant immunity from the issue hitting Christian marriages.
Because of my own husband’s work over the years, I’ve known so many women in this position. I’ve wept and prayed and walked alongside them. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. So I’d like to offer some thoughts.
What do you do if your husband says “I’m gay”?
1. Much will depend on how your husband feels about homosexuality, and about your marriage. Does he view homosexuality as legitimate, or as a tendency to be resisted? Is he considering leaving your marriage, or is he committed to staying with you and learning to deal with his feelings for other men? Is he at the very least willing to stay faithful to you despite his homosexuality, or is he considering “coming out” and declaring himself gay? These are questions you need to ask; the sooner the better.
2. Remember the difference between a homosexual orientation (inner attractions to men) versus homosexual behavior (sexual contact with men or viewing of homosexual pornography) If his orientation is homosexual, that’s a completely involuntary condition which he didn’t choose, nor can he choose to simply “change” it. In short, it’s not his fault. If, on the other hand, he’s engaged in homosexual behavior, that is indeed a choice, one that he’s morally responsible for. Either way, neither his orientation nor his behavior are a reflection on you, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent or cause either of them.
3. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken at this point. These steps should include:
(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address your options as a couple, depending on what your husband chooses to do about his sexuality.
(b) A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your own counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re dealing with this.
4. If your husband has been sexually active consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
5. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions (jumping into divorce court; demanding he leave the home; etc.) Work with a counselor or pastor to determine the best courses of action, and don’t let yourself make a quick, poorly thought through decision.
Key Verse
“For I know the thoughts that I have towards you, says the Lord.
Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Resources
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
When Homosexuality Hit’s Home by Joe Dallas
The Truth Comes Out by Nancy Heche
Genesis Counseling 2-Day Intensives – Men and Couples
Zoe:
Thank you for your post, and for your prayers for the other women who’ve posted on this blog. That is such a blessing to me, because I know they may feel they have no where else to go with thier burdens. As they reach out, those prayers mean everything to them. So thanks so much.
I know that bringing up something like the phone number that is causing you concern is difficult, and doubly hard when it seems everything else is going well. You want to be respectful, and at the same time, need to know the truth of what may (or may not!) be happening. Ignorance is bliss, and useful to hide in for awhile, I guess. But it is also a false bliss, so I understand and admire your desire for operating in the truth. God brings things to the light so He can have the opportunity to correct and heal us if we let Him. I will be praying for you as well, as I know the other WifeBoat readers will. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Many blessings-R
It has been a long time since I have worried about my husband and this particular issue. I found something on my husband’s phone yesterday that raised some red flags. I shouldn’t be worried, we just celebrated our 14th anniversary and it was pretty awesome. But men compartmentalize so much, you never can truly tell if they are OK or not. It has been a blessing tonight to read this blog, pray for the hurting women (and men), and feel how far my husband and I have come. There is hope for the hurting and oppressed. My birthday is on the 6th, so I will pray a special prayer on that day for Dreama and her marriage as she copes with the trials she is now facing in it. I will pray for my husband as well and for courage to confront him with my suspicion. Ignorance is bliss but my marriage is too important to be ignorant about. Pray that I will be able to ask about a particular number on my husband’s phone without looking as suspicious as I feel. The last time I found a history on my computer that led me to know he was straying with pornography he got more counseling and handled my intervention well. Hopefully there is no need for intervention in this situation but I covet your prayers.
Dreama,
We will be praying for you as you work to raise your children in the Lord and to be faithful to what you feel God has called you to do in responding to the things your husband has done. It breaks my heart to hear about his leaving your young children–one is only 2 years old, and the other child, I take it, was born just before he left home. And your five year old child must be affected by this as well.
I think getting support for yourself is aboslutely crucial and I hope you have family and a church community that can help you, not only with th emotional support, but the practical things. I know firsthand what it’s like to be a single mother–the challenges of raising three small children alone are hard enough, but you also have the emotional stress of dealing with your husband’s betrayal and his unpredicability. That’s where the support will be very important for you.
WifeBoat offers different support groups and individual consultations as well as articles on this blog. You can check out the information by following this link: WifeBoat Support Groups If we can help supplement the support you get in any way, please let us know. For now, please know that we will be keeping you in prayer, Dreama. Please check with in us and let us know how you’re doing. Blessings. -R
I’m relieved to know that there is an active website for wives who are dealing with this issue. My husband and I have been married for 3 years January 6th, and we have a 2 year old and 4 month old son together as well as a 5 year old son from a previous marriage. They all call him Daddy.
He left us 4 months ago to pursue a relationship with another man, and after doing so, he told me that he had been “faking” everything the whole time that we were married. Although I know the love that we had for each other when we first got married, and I know that it was real, he says he doesn’t remember any of that. It’s almost as if Satan has taken all of those memories away. My husband is now in his second relationship (this one has been for 2 months), and they are moving into a single bedroom apartment next week. He’s not very active in pursuing a relationship with his children, and he doesn’t have that much free time considering he is the transportation for his boyfriend.
All I know is that the Holy Spirit has told me to remain faithful to my commitment to him. I married him for the rest of my life, and until God releases me from this, then I will wait for God to do His work. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but my vows to my husband aren’t any less sacred just because he has chosen to forsake them. I’m confident that as my husband goes through this that God will continue to convict him and that he will just find emptiness in this journey. I know Biblically that I have a basis for divorce, but I don’t believe God wants that right now..He has confirmed this with me through revelation in his Scripture as well as through speaking through others.
Please pray that God will give me strength as I continue to fight for his conviction and deliverance. And please pray that God will give me strength and the wisdom to raise my three sons in His Word.
Becky,
You’ve painted a beautiful word picture of your Christmas blessings, and your heart of compassion for your husband. How rich you are in His love and HIs protection and provision. We join in that prayer with you for your husband and children. Have a Merry, Merry Christmas! -Renee
Sugar cookies, gingerbread houses, tinsel, the soft glow of white lights, the fresh smell of pine, hugs and kisses from the 3 little people who are mine, all mine. Christmas presents from my daughter wrapped in toilet paper lying under the tree, Christmas music on the MAC, the fake fireplace we painted on the back of wrapping paper! My kids and I drinking hot cocoa with homemade marshmellows…red bows, snowmen…. I have so much to be happy about….. and still so much lingers over my shoulder. I feel so sad for my husband, he’s missing everything. So he can have sex with men. How lost he is… and my heart breaks for him. Jesus, fine if you don’t rescue us, he and I…. but rescue his soul, grab him hard and fast, and still gently save him…and gently save me, and protect my children, mark them for you.
Becky,
I have admired your bravery through this all. I am praying for you and your children. I know there are no words to make this easier but may God bless you this Christmas season. It seems that no matter what the outcome of situations such as ours there are such lasting effects that it is as though a competely new life has begun and what we knew in the past has no place in the present. I pray we are all able to move forward following God’s will for our lives whether it includes our husbands or not.
Merry Christmas to everyone- your “friendship” is one of the things I am most grateful for this year.
Denise
Hello everyone. I just wanted to post a quick note and let you know I am praying this evening for you. As the Holiday approaches, and we face family situations that may be uncomfortable, I am praying. I am also crying as I heard from My husband our conversation was saddening. He explained he was sorry, but he was hoping to find real love in the arms of a man someday. My stomache churned and I felt so many feelings in the course of those words coming out of his mouth. I know he’s sorry but he’s given up. I know he’s not mentally well, how could anyone be after what he has done? I don’t hate him, but I can’t look at him, I feel as if the man i married is dead, and now I have to deal with this complete stranger. What a struggle we are all in. But God knows, and although he often seems quiet, maybe he too is grieved. But I am sure he has a plan, and in his time.
HI All,
Did everyone survive Thanksgiving? We did by changing our routine a bit. I am trying to get through the next few weeks in one piece. I think the girls and I are taking life one day at a time and making plans we can handle. The extended family does not agree but we are fragile. Keeping the focus on the important things this year is essential. Prayer seems to help now. It wasn’t for a while, but I feel clearer of late.
Good thoughts to all
Becky,
I response to your last post, I have to say I am stronger now than I ever thought I could be. My husband filed for a divorce, which should be final pretty soon, and that terrifies me. He has been in my life since May 2001, and how do I go on without him? The answer- God. I have gotten through more in the last 13 months than I ever thought possible all because God has given me the strength to do so. There are days when I would like to throw my hands up in the air and scream “Why?”. I grew up going to church every Sunday. I live in the Bible Belt, and grew up in a Christian home. Homosexuality is so far out in left field I can’t comprehend it. It’s not something you’re born with, it’s not a gene, it’s sin, pure and simple. So why did my husband of 7 years walk out for another man? Quite simple- I don’t know. That’s where my problem lies. Understanding that God may or may not reveal that to me one day. The only thing I know is I love my husband and I have kept my marriage vows all the way to the end. Better or worse is something I meant with all my heart. I gave him my trust, and he betrayed that. Now I am dealing with the knowledge I have to forgive him in order to move on. That is one of the most difficult things God has ever asked me to do, and it is still a work in progress. I hope we all take a good look in the mirror and see the strongest creature God ever placed on this earth: woman. We are able to withstand more pressure than we thought possible. During this Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season, which is hard on us all without our mates, I ask that we all pray for our country, who is turning loose of “One Nation Under God” and holding on to “Anything Goes”. Homosexuality is running rampant in this country, and destoying more families day by day. I say we as Christians can take this country back if we all join together and fight against the sin. I will continue to pray for all of us who have found ourselves looking on this site for help, and ask that all of you pray for me as my marriage, the thing I’ve cherished for the last 7 years, comes to an end.
Sonya, I have thought about the women on this sight everyday, and missed the encouragement I exchange with everyone. I have also dreaded seeing how many new women may have joined since I’ve been away. For everyone struggling, searching and dealing with this same issue, and string of similar events- PLEASE hang in there. I know it sounds trite, how can we possibly hang in there when all of our dreams, hopes and ideas about our marriages, families and futures erupt into complete turmoil? How does one do that? With TIME. and time takes so much time…. It actually stinks that with a magical prayer, or a recommended book we can just be okay again. It does. Stinks so bad. But it doesn’t happen that way. AT ALL> So we have to choose and determine exactly how we will move on. Some people who go through devastating situations don’t move on. But I refuse to let any situation control what the core of my being is. Sure there are days when I cry. When those days come along I let it all out. Hard and fast. i get alone, imagine I’m talking to my husband and I yell, cry and tell him alll the pent up stuff. How I have been left alone to raise these kids, how once in a while I’d like a little time to myself but because he’s left us I am the only one to raise them. I yell about what his descision has done to me finacially, I yell about the lack of sex and what do I do with my desires now? I just pretend to really say everything I’d like to say but know I shouldn’t because good christians don’t do that. For a while i just assumed I was crazy and this couldn’t be good. but you know what after the third or fourth time i did it, i didn’t cry for 5 days. So figured hey maybe this is ok. Now when everything builds up i just let it out. andthen I hit the ground running with all my responsibilities and everyday life. Thats how I find my outlet. Its been good and bad. I’ve lost 90 lbs in a year. I needed to anyway. At court he couldn’t believe how sexy I looked. That was kinda satisfying. But more than that I know he saw my confidence. This situation should have crushed all my confidence, but instead I have been forced to make descsions I would have never made. It is good to know what I am made of, and it’s tough stuff. Ladies, get a hold of help so in this process you can be something amazing. God is always there moving us closer to him. We find so much if we turn to him, not run away. love you.
oh and the bread was amazing. i’ll post the recipe if any one needs culinary therapy.
Becky, I have thought about you these past few months, and wondered how you and your children were doing. I am so very proud of you! You put your trust in the Lord, and with the help of Him and your family, you have started a fresh, new life for yourself and your precious children. It had to be so difficult for you! The courage, strength, and conviction to the right thing that you have shown are incredibly inspirational. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you so much for the update. It made me smile. (So did the virtual aroma coming from that bread!)
Blessings to you!
Renee, I am thankful for the hope we find in Christ. I am by no means perfect. I am actually quite grateful that in all of this God has not just strengthened me, but he has shown me many areas of my self that need to be changed. I recently read your husband’s book Desires in Conflict. I am praying about mailing it to my husband. He seems more open now than ever. Pray that I’ll know when its time. Thanks for all the encouraging words you’ve written.
Becky:
So good to hear from you! Wow! You have been through some changes, girl. In spite of what has happened, you and your children have found a place of peace an nurturing. I am so thankful for that. I can smell the homemade bread too!
God has also been at work in your husband’s life, and you’ve been allowed to get a glimpse of that. It reminds me of a verse in John:
Jesus said, “My Father is always at His work to this very day and I too, am working.” John 5:17
And as you said, you don’t know what will happen with your marriage, but you do know that you will choose to do the things that will be positive and edifying. That is hope that makes us not ashamed, but hope that the Lord has plans for us, not of evil, but to give us a future. Thanks for sharing with us these encouraging words, Becky. -R
Hello everyone. i havent posted in many months. I apparently moved to a place that’s internet challenged. I live in the woods and they don”t offer high speed cable yet! Anyway, I have missed the support and friendship of the lovely women here!
My children and I are doing great. I recieved a call from my husband today. It was surprising. The details of this whole mess are too lengthly to go into for the newcomers. Let”s just say my husband left us to explore his homosexuality last Sept. In June after he moved 8 states away with another gay man the kids and I opened up the front door of our house and had a moving sale. We sold nearly everything to return to my family 9 hours from what had been home for 12 years–all of my children’s lives they had called it home.
Fastforward 6 months and I am doing well. The kids love being close to my family. My family has been the most amazing support. Granted, I have 3 part time jobs. God has been very faithful. (Right, did I think He wouldn’t be?) At any rate, as of this past Sunday my husband checked himself into a hospital for mental help. He called me today and for the first time in nearly a year and a half he sounded like the man I married. He apologized and talked with his family about his SSA. (Something they blamed on me– if I would have just been more of what he needed.) He told them how wrong he had been, and how sorry he was for what he had done to everyone.
I am amazed. What will happen? I can’t honestly say. Will the divorce finalize? Will I welcome him home if he asks? Would I dare to extend enough forgiveness to INVITE him home? I can’t say. What I do know is that God holds my family closely to his chest. And with or without my husband, I will dig my heels in, refuse to be overtaken by bitterness, or anger. I refuse to hold onto things that do not make me happy, like thoughts and actions. I will pursue a better me in all of this.
Goodnight. I am making homemade bread and I can smell it. Almost done. See, there are still MANY things in life left to enjoy.
I find myself checking this website all the time looking for answers. I keep working for that one day at a time slogan. The weekends are the most awful times. PArtly trying to fill the tiema dn space with my children as well as having so much time to think. The work week is busy, demanding and controls the amount of time to dwell on matters. The weekends allow constant thoughts like the streaming videos that connect one past experience to another. He hardly even apologized when he found out I knew the truth. Not one bit of shame or embarrassment on his part, he was almost defiant about it. Blaming me…I was always faithful to him, physically and emotionally. I keep waiting for some kind of enlightenment to come my way!!
Cathy,
I was reading your last post, and it sounded so much like me speaking I knew I needed to respond. My husband walked out last October, and is now living with his “partner”. I received divorce papers last Friday, and even though I should not have been surprised, I really did fall apart ALL over again! This was not just a marriage- he has been my best friend for the last 8 years of my life! How do I seperate the two- the warm, loving husband I knew and this stranger who has taken his place? I do love him- I have never said differently- but I love the man I’ve known for the last 8 years- not this cold, hard person he has turned into. God has given me more strength in the last year than I could ever have imagined. He will also continue to support me as I struggle to handle this divorce process in a Christian manner. My husband abandoned me and our home without a backward glance- now I have to fight the person I love most in this world- it WILL be hard, but God is giving me all the support I need. There is a song I have taken to heart- it’s “In Everything Give Thanks”- it makes so much sense. When we’re all alone, that’s when God is making us strong. Until last Friday, I somehow thought my husband would wake up one day and be the man I knew, but that hasn’t happened. I don’t know if he will ever leave this lifestyle (God can save ANYBODY, after all), but I can’t wait around on hold to see if that happens. I am putting my faith in God, and whatever happens, I know I have HIM- and that’s all that matters. Finding out your husband cheated on you (much less that it’s with another MAN) is something I could never describe- it’s the most intense pain I’ve ever felt, but I am trusting that God will take that pain and turn it into something beautiful- Keep your eyes on Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for you, plans to prosper us and not harm us…believe me, I have held on to that verse. Keep your eyes on God, and he will be there for you. I will definitely be praying for you, and ask all of you ladies to keep me in your prayers. As Malachi 2 says, God “hates” divorce. So do I, but that doesn’t stop the process, does it? A good marriage ending is something I never saw coming.
Thank you for kind words. As I read all the comments and conversations, I am struck by how alike our stories are. Husbands who are pillars of the community, wives who do everything because their husbands are working so hard (even though we are exhausted!), the aloofness of our husbands pruior to our discoveries of their sexual encounters, the physcial pain upon discovery and our willingness to continue to keep their secrets to help them and ourselves save face. Thank you for helping me find other women with the same isssue. Life has become so lonely and silent as an adult in my house since he left. He was truly my best friend but does not resemble the same man I knew. I realize I have been living with a memory of who he was, not the person he actually is at this moment. I do have strength today but by the evening hours I am depleted!! My prayers have no words since I have discovered the truth. I only ask for the strength to get through the day and the clarity to make good decisions in my day when I can actually think in words. I just think of the word God and then no thoughts come to mind.. It is more like images and feelings flow through me. Does this make sense?
You will, Cathy. Having been living this nightmare for over a year, I am in a much better place now than I was the night I learned the secrets. No matter what he does, who he is, or how he behaves, you need to take care of you and your girls first. He is a grown man and has the ability to take care of himself. Instead of focusing on him and your response to him, focus on things that are higher, and holy. Focus on your needs and the needs of your girls. God will give you the strength and courage you need, and that you probably didn’t even realize you have within you. You are loved; you are a precious child of God. “Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid. The Lord goes with you each and every day! He’ll NEVER forsake you!” I am praying….
i am just so tired today. Tired of working a high stress job, tired of taking care of everyone else, tired of thinking endlesslesly about my life and how I got here. I keep a journal. I try to make sound decisions. I can’t speak to him at all right now. I just can’t speak…it is an effort when he calls or comes to the house. I physically close up and can not get words out. Twenty one years to review in my head, when was it a lie? I can’t talk any more. I tried begging, pleading, yelling, threatening to get him to tell me. Now I just can’t talk at all. It feels like the last 4 four months are catching up to me all in one day. But I know that somehow I will have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow for my daughters.
Everyone must be in the online support group. I typed up a long statement and must not have hit the submit button correctly and lost it all! Sad
A month has gone by and I have made no progress. Husband denies any cheating with male/female. I may never get the truth….but I know that I have been cheated on EMOTIONALLY. Ladies….this is Emotional Adultry. Someone from group let me know what kind of progress you are making spiritually that is the most helpful. I need strength to go on…and make decisions re: “stay in this marriage and wither and die” or Start all over again with a new life! Thankyou!
Denise,
With the exception that we are still going to counseling I could have wrote what you said myself. I continually question the fact that it doesn’t seem as though my husband has really confronted the root cause of his SSA. He feels like he is not being tempted because God has delivered him but I feel like he still needs to deal with the cause rather that risk it reappearing in a moment of weakness or trial. I do feel better knowing that now due to counseling he now knows how to confront the temptations (including porn) but I think it is also for my own security that I want to KNOW they he has dealt with all past issues so we can fully and freely move forward. I know that would not guarantee anything but I can’t help but feel that it would help. Who knows maybe he has just healed faster than I have but in retrospect he is not questioning what I am or am not going to do in the future. Our counselor says that issues will come to the surface for him to deal with and work through as he is ready and strong enough to do it. I don’t know quite how much I agree with that but I am the one who gets hurt when there is a problem. He is trying for sure and he does love me so I know I am going to just have to learn to leave the rest up to God. I think that is the biggest process of learning for me.
Cate and Denise and Sonya:
I think there’s something to what Sonya brought up, and that is our expectations. To a certain degree we need to have the reassurance that he is doing all he can do to work on his stuff, but if we’re waiting on him to be better so we can be better, we’re just setting ourselves up for disappointment. This is where, to my thinking, the harder work is for us – how do we ourselves get better and deal with our own pain apart from whether or not his recovery is going the way we want it to? It’s a challenge, to see ourselves as stewards over our own pain and healing apart from anyone elses.
Of course, we do need to see certain things that indicate there is a light going on there, and that may be in the way your husband communicates with you, the consideration he’s showing you, if he’s trying to be open and work on growing spiritually with you, trying to understand what you’re going through, etc. If those are things that you need from him, and are getting, then that’s progress and I’m sure it will go along way towards building trust. If not, perhaps talking about that will help. As Sonya said, just my two-cents. Now you have four! -R
Cate, I think you will continue to be disappointed if you are waiting for a “big change,” or “revelation.” Our husbands didn’t become sick overnight, and they are not going to change or have an epiphany that quickly, either. My husband is continuing counseling, and although there have been some slow, positive changes, I know that I have to be willing to commit to the long haul of this journey, or I will meet with even more failed expectations than I already have. Does that make sense? I do agree that it might be beneficial to go to a session with him. Obviously, we are not in a position to just blindly trust our husbands anymore. Who know what he is, or isn’t, telling the counselor, and who knows what the counselor is really telling him. You won’t know for sure, until you are a part of that relationship he has with the counselor.
Just my two cents……
Thanks.
Olivia – When I said he was “doing fine” I mean that he’s not acting out on his temptations currenty.
Denise – I understand completely how you feel. I keep looking for something else. A big change, revalation. His counselor doesn’t see his abuse as having a direct connection with his SSA. I strongly disagree. And I think that there are things in his life that could be different if he dealt with it. My husband sides with the counselor and I’m just left wondering.
Cate-
I feel in a very similar situation. We have stopped going to counseling. My husband also feels he no longer needs it and our counselor gave us the go ahead to try things out for a while on our own. For financial reasons I agreed for now but definitely would like to pursue scheduling “check-up” appointments. Like your husband my husband experienced abuse as a young teen. However I still do not think he fully realizes it as abuse and has no hard feelings against his abuser. We still see this person but he and my husband have never discussed what occurred. I really struggle with this for what seems to be the same reasons you do. It seems to me that as long as this situation stays hidden, I wonder how he will ever be truly free from it and fear that it will always have some power over him especially in times of stress and confusion. I am struggling with the idea that my husband and I may not have to deal with things in the same way, and though I hate to generalize this as a gender thing, I wonder if maybe as a man he just doesn’t need the same kind of closure that I would and doesn’t have to talk everything out. Is it possible for him to have come to terms with it in his own mind? I fear that I am the one wanting him to experience a big emotional deliverance from this with some sort of confrontation of the other party because it will make me feel better and that he has really gotten victory over one of the roots of his SSA. I understand this is very selfish and I cannot control his path of recovery. I am learning that I am going to have to let go of what I think he needs to do and just trust him, with God, to take care of what he needs. I don’t understand my husband’s way of dealing with most emotions, so I try to focus on the fact that he really may have processed this in his own way and just try to continue to move forward and build a new trust. There is evidence all around me of the changes in him and I don’t want to minimize what I am seeing because of something that I think he should go through to be healed. My own pain leaves me wanting for more proof that everything is going to be okay and I am starting to wonder if this is all the proof I will ever get and now it is my responsibility to simply trust, knowing that no matter what happens I will be okay.
Cate,
I’m not sure what it means by his saying “he’s doing fine” right now, (sort of vague) and according to him, his counselor says that too. I suppose if he’s in counseling that’s good, but it sounds like you may want to request a joint session with the counselor (if your husband will be okay with it) and pose those questions yourself to get some clarity. I mean, you can’t oversee your husband’s counseling and it’s up to him to work on his own stuff, but if you need clarification or need to ask questions, maybe a joint session will help. Just a thought.
I have a question for whoever wants to take it. Like most of you it sounds my husband was also abused as a child. He is going to counseling right now, purely for me I think. He has stated that he doesn’t feel the need. He’s claiming victory and moving on. I’m excited to see that but concerned that if past issues aren’t dealt with that he won’t truely be able to fully move forward. His counselor doesn’t see a real need in dealing with past issues since he’s doing fine right now. How does this sit with any of you?
Teri:
I’m glad you found us, and I hope it will work out for you to join our support group in the near future. It sounds like you really need to talk with women who have something in common with you! Although it is painful to be in this type of situation, it is a relief to find out there are others who are going through many of the same things. And hopefully, you’ll be able to gain some insight and direction from the blog and other’s comments. I’ll be praying for you – please stay in touch! – R
By the way: you can join the group if you want just by phone, which would give you more privacy if you need it. You would still hear the teaching presentation (just not be able to see it) and would still be able to interact with all the group members. So please consider joining in January if that sounds good to you!
Like Jackie,- I love my husband and want him well…but wants wellness for herself also! She wants “freedom”. I think freedom to know that we are OK. That we are sexy,admirable women.
Like Denise,- I don’t sleep and am sick to my stomach. Cannot stop my bad thoughts about where he might be.
Like Paula,- I have been wrestling with God. (I used this same expression with my counselor)…..but God has not punished her with this bad marriage. I hate to say it, but “we” are in control of our own lives and “chose” these men. I have been dealing with anger towards myself for making wrong choices. We have “free will”. However, what about being lied to?!
Like Becky,- Wondering what is wrong with “us”, and don’t we deserve more than these lying, cheating men? YES WE DO. And our hearts ache for this stupid dream that doesn’t exist. (I get angry when I think about all of the love, time and effort that I put into the relationship…I am getting old now, and this is it. Angry at myself.)
Like **Cate**,- I can relate with her feelings alot. Over the 19 years of my marriage, it got to the point where I was so glad when he was gone on his trips. I took care of everything anyway. The kids, the house, (not just the cleaning, which is alot but the repairs too), the holidays,the extended family stuff(sent birthday cards, Christmas gifts, etc. out to his family also), scheduled all appts, did the discipline, plus worked outside the home. I was the Mother & the Father. When he was at home, he just made more messes. No sex.
Well. I was blind…but had gut feelings. Anyway, he has denied being unfaithful and with my outward expression of finally having enough of his “selfishness” in the relationship and threatening divorce, he has been trying to “change” and re-kindle sex. So, I relate with Cate on her feelings of not having trust and passion in her husbands advances!
Like Karen,- I go crazy waiting 3 more days before next counseling appt.! I also have 3 kids, but they are older now.(Still close. Still your kids.) And, I hope that her husband will re-read self help books…but, she says, “oh-all the pain!” Yes, it seems like an eternity getting through minutes sometimes.
Like Chris,- My husband has not yet admitted to unfaithfullness with male or female. I don’t know how to get him to open up. He may never confess. Of course if one chooses to “come out” on his own, then he can. But it is H-U-G-E ! What about their JOBS? Family? Social reputation…etc. and then all the other married men in this circle will be worried about being squealed on and then worry about their wives finding out! Not to mention your Job! Your whole identity to a man. Your finances.Losing your house. (Oh my, it is just easier to keep it all a secret-for the guys.) We have to wonder about living in sadness forever.
Like Sonja,- I believe that I will divorce if my husband does not go through with ACTIVE recovery measures. Sonja, you are correct when you say, “it is not ok for us to feel guilty, or bad, or responsible for his actions.” Amen.
For all of us Christian women,who are nurturers in our hearts, we try and “fix” everything. When we can’t, we feel like failures. Also, believing that their bad behavior toward us is because something is wrong with us. Well, we cannot fix everything.
So……………….I hope this soft place continues to be here for me. I just found site yesterday and the lifeboat, WifeBoat, registry ends today. I can not make a decision that quick because our home computer is out in the middle of everywhere! (No funny business here). So, I could not be on-line for 2 hours with my husband being over me….? I could, but I don’t know. I would sure love to do this.
I am continuing to find myself. Trying to remain strong…and do everything. Why do I do everything? Why am I the one who is trying to save this relationship? He would be happy living with someone who took care of everything and live a lie. Once again, thinking of others. Well, maybe myself too when I think about all of the hell I would go through in a divorce. Sad when this is the only way I feel like I am worthy of attention!
Best of luck to everyone. Godspeed.
Teri
woops. Married 19 years!
Yes, he goes on his week long golfing tripswith the guys…but has had no time for a vacation/week-end with his wife for all these years! Now, we are going.
Just found this site today! So excited. I still need to confront my husband. (did ask him briefly once and he said “no”), but all the signs are there. I am already so lonely and hurt. Been suicidal/drinking/no sleep/ stomach churning,ect.. We are going away for a week-end and I want Him to open up. How do I get him to confess? How do I confront? I am 51,He is 60. Been married 10 yrs & have 3 grown daughters. Now that I have more time to work on this issue…..of not having any sex for 4 years…and before that every 3 months or so with premature ejac…..I am desperate for a MAN who would make me feel like a woman. But more importantly, someone who would honestly look at me and say,”wow, you look nice.”and do things for me because he wanted to.
Just thinking of everyone today. Pray you are all finding peace in the gifts we have been given and finding support. My heart continues to break every time I read a new story and you are in my prayers, Jackie. God is here, He is good, and He will get us through. Love to you all.
I know your online support group started last week, but is it too late to get enrolled?
I have just found this website and can’t believe that other women are experiencing what I am going through. It deeply saddens my heart that there should even be a website for women like us. My story is so similar to most of yours. I found out Oct. 08, after 21 years of marriage that my husband has been sexually active with my best friend’s husband for the last 15 years. Before that, after 1 year of marriage, while he was away on businees trips (every other week) he would frequent gay bars and take men back to his room. That practice ended when he became involved with our “friend”. This couple has been our dearest friends for the last 19 years, God parents to my 3 girls. My husband has been a full time Music Pastor for the last 14 years. In March of this year, he admitted everything to our Pastor and had to step down. My girls, age 17, 18, 19, have been told the whole truth and my family is completely devastated. We have lost our identities. We lost our ministry, our friends, our respect…I feel we have lost everything. So I’m not only dealing with all of these losses, but also with the overwhelming betrayal of my husband. When I found out in Oct. I didn’t tell a soul for 5 months. We continued in ministry as if nothing were wrong until I finally told him he had to step down. Since Nov. he has been involved in the Regeneration program and will begin Living Waters in Oct. of this year. Frankly, I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I don’t even know how I feel. I have so much compassion for him and want to see him “well”, yet I have so much hurt and resentment that I don’t think I want to live with him anymore. I am the type of person that wanted and needed to know details, when…where…how…(they were even together in MY bed), and now I can’t get all of this out of my mind. My husband has been the most wonderful, caring man I had ever met (ironic…isn’t it?) He was just the perfect husband. How could I have been so blind? He is deeply repentive and is deperately seeking help. I believe he truly wants freedom. He says now that everything is out in the open he feels a freedom that he has never had. I know the Regeneration Ministry is helping him find freedom, but He is so wrapped up in his recovery, that I feel so alone in all of this. When I first found out, we clung to each other so desperately. Intimacy was intensified. I think we were just afraid of loosing each other. Now, things have died down and reality has set in. I just need help. We were told that we could not attend our church for a year…the church we served. That has been such a big blow to me. We have floundered around from church to church. 2 weeks ago, my oldest daughter got married and is now a Youth pastor’s wife. The next day, my middle daughter went to college 9 hours away and my 17 year old is still at home. I have been so preoccupied with all of these “things”, but now life is slowing down and I know that I do not love my husband as I did. The only relief I feel from all of this hurt and betrayal is when he is out of the house. I don’t even know why I am writing all of this…I just can’t make these decisions on my own. Please forgive my rattling on….but I need help. I have always been a very strong person, my mother abandoned my when I was 7, I was sexually abused by a relative from age 15 -20 and I know God has been my strength and healer. I AM A SURVIVOR!!! But now…I want to do more than just survive. I want freedom.
Thank you so much, Renee. Your kind words, encouragement and suggestions soften my heart. And I think that is so key…keeping a soft heart so the Holy Spirit can do the work. I’ve got to quit striving and just let the Lord take care of me and this situation I’m in. Letting go of control is a daily thing. I’m interested in the August 25th support group and will look into that.
You have a wonderful ministry, Renee. God bless you today with the knoweledge that you are serving Him and so many others in great need. Thank you.
Michelle
Michele,
I am so sorry to hear about what you’re gonig through. I’ve had women ask me, “When does this roller coaster end?” and I wish I had a good answer to that. But I think you do bring up a good question about long term support for yourself–that is, as your husband works through his own stuff, you need someone to talk to and build you up as well. It’s absolutely essential if you are to survive this and get a measure of healing for yourself. These issues are not one sided in a marriage – they effect both husband and wife deeply and there;s no getting around it. Think of it as your being in a huge car accident — you have been injured and you are in traction, so that you can heal.
One suggestion is to check out my WifeBoat Just for Today list, and see if there’s something that you can do for yourself today. Sometimes just something simple and affirming, that gives you joy will go a long way and get you through a day. Please check that out and let me know what you think.
Secondly, if you don’t have someone to talk to right now, our WifeBoat Online Support Group starts this month (August 25th) -it is confidential and would be a great place to talk with other women who know what you’re going through. We’ll be meeting once a week via an online meeting for 12 weeks. Please check that out as I think it will be a great resource for you.
At any rate, please stay connected with this blog, as many women respond to each other here and will respond to you as well. Take some time to read through the posts and comments. I hope they will help, and that we hear from you very soon. My prayers are with you and may God give you peace, wisdom and insight. You are very loved by Him! -R
Twelve years together, nine in marriage, and one beautiful little boy and now this. His father’s neglect and abusive behavior created a huge hole in my husband’s heart and he developed SSA at a young age. He’s been fighting it for 3 decades and he finally told me about it. He hasn’t cheated up to this point but has been very tempted. We started Christian counseling and at first it was very effective – he felt saved and healed and we were closer than ever. We were even having better, more intimate sex than ever. Now, he’s struggling and doesn’t want me sexually at all. I know that I need to set aside my needs, my sense of self, and just love the heck out of him. But it hurts every single day. And I have no one to talk to. No one knows except the counselor we see together. That’s it. And she is obviously (and appropriately) way more focused on what he needs to heal than what is happening with me. Ugh. I’m exhausted and heartbroken and confused and all prayed out. I’ve been on my knees in prayer so much and Satan just keeps attacking me. Any advice?
Cynthia,
Good to hear from you! I know all of us will be keeping you in our thoughts as you go through this. I understand the trust thing–I’m sure the things you described above, when applied over a longer time consistently will begin to help the communication and respect, with the result being greater trust and intimacy.
Just so you know, our WifeBoat support group starts up this month, if you’re interested in having some conversations and support in real-time. Just check the banner link at the upper right hand corner of the blog. I’d be delighted, as would some of the other ladies to have you join us. God’s Blessings for now.-R
Hi, girls.
It’s been a while since I wrote. I have made the decision to stay with my husband at least for now. I am trying to look at and appreciate all aspects of who he is, not just the SSA. He is taking anti-anxiety and Zoloft meds now, and he has calmed down. I do not let him micro-manage me anymore. I have been able to establish some boundaries for his obsessive and controlling behavior and he is now better able to cope with it himself, thanks to the meds. He still seems content to not have a physical relationship with me, and I’ve just decided to let it go for now. I still hope that he will go for counseling eventually, and I think there is more in his background that he is hiding from. I’m pretty sure he was abused as a child and has blocked it out.
I have difficulty trusting him yet, though he is trying to connect with me. He just doesn’t understand the intimacy thing. You know what, it’s just tough to think that I’ve not experienced the intimacy that marriage was supposed to have afforded me. I’m working through it, sometimes hour by hour.
From what I have learned and read abuse (in at least one form) is the most common thread that runs behind SSA. My husband was abused in just about all ways. He was molested at five while in foster care (a part of his childhood he has not faced yet but he is waiting on God to deal with that), neglected by both parents, and abused physically by his mother.
My husband has one brother and sister. They all three processed the abuse they all went through at some point in different ways. His brother is promiscuous and has had multiple affairs during his marriage. His sister dealt with her issues through food weighing close to 500 pounds at one point.
I have no problem having forgiveness for my husband because I know that he did not break himself but was broken by circumstance. We both now know the healer of all healers and are trusting God to make us both whole. Him from his childhood and mistakes he has made and me from the affects and pain that those choices have had on me.
I also choose to believe that when we are both whole in all ways (something we are trusting God to work over time) I will be able to fully (I don’t mean blindly) trust my husband again. Blind trust was something that I mourned the loss of and never expect to regain after feeling the pain of betrayal.
Just my two cents.
Denise,
I totally agreed with your last post regarding the security of future, will you ever regain trust? For me, I don’t think I ever will completely trust my husband again, plain and simple. Time will lessen the pain of that reality, but any trigger could set it off in the future. But really, the trust is gone for any woman who has experienced sexual betrayal with a male or female. It’s just soooooooooooo creepy we have to think it could be with a male. What’s worse, them cheating on us with another woman where we may think we weren’t good enough, or with another man where we can’t compete? I am trying to reconcile this hoping my husband can at least be faithful until my kids are grown. Sad I know. But maybe by then, I will feel differently. The good news is that God IS becoming a bigger part of my life as a result of this depravity. There is always a purpose in the pain. We just need to figure it out, and it is important to feel the pain in order to heal.
Now for the sexual abuse, my husband was sexually abused from age 9-11 by one of his dad’s friends. Long horrible story there, but my husband was initially in denial about that his abuse contributing to his SSA issues, because then that meant to him that he enjoyed it, even though when he had to recall what his molester made him do made him sick. Those initial sexual experience makes imprints in their brains which if not dealt with will define them. This is all from his counselor and everyone’s different but it may resonate with your husband as well.
Feel your PAIN always.
Sisters in Christ,
Chris
Denise,
I 100% feel your pain and I know what you are saying–it hurts and it stinks… and I also feel the same way when I hear other wives complain.. You are in my thoughts and prayers…..
My husband believes he might have been molested, when he starts do really look at the entire picture, he believes maybe by his older brother, and then he confronted him on this, and of course he denies it. I know his father was a very good provider but was absent because of working all the time. I go over and over in my mind, but then I come back to he has to be the one to take that journey.
I like you strugle with the trust and the insecurity but I think it goes back to where are we putting our trust and who are we putting our trust in. God says I am— I think when he says that, he is saying “I am your security”, ” I am your comforter”, etc etc… but being who we are, we tend to look to others to meet those needs…I by no means have any of this figured out, but I am realizing this is a journey also for me. I am reading the book by C.S.Lewis Mere Chrisitianity–which was a book recommended by one the men who struggled with SSA, that my husband read. I like what he says- Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making coutyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it himself. His boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts VERY painful: but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. God meant what he said, I will never leave your nor forsake you….. So, through all this mess and junk I beleive if we constantly look to GOD… He will be there—back to trusting. I am looking as this as not only is God working on my husband and its scary, but he is also working on me…. which is even more scary…. one day at a time. Denise your in my prayers.. Thanks again Renee also!!!!
I am amazed at everyone’s sympathy and ability to continue to reach out to each other and offer hope and prayers in the midst of experiencing such deep personal pains. Your stories touch me deeply and I feel everyone’s sorrow as real as I feel my own. Your encouragment to trust the Lord is what gets me through many days. God is good. I praise Him that He has brought us together- thanks to you Renee for following His call to give us this outlet. He is right here with us.
I am wondering how many of our husbands have been the victims of sexual abuse? My husband had several molestation experiences from another male- a friend- when he was young and I am struggling with ways to extend understanding and sympathy. I feel that if these events had happened to me I would be angry and hurt, but my husband brushes it all off acting like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Is this male pride? Shame that it indicates a weakness in him? I understand that I cannot push him to deal with his feelings but clearly this experience (among other early life events and relationships) has greatly affected the man is he today and warrants some closure.
I am also, like many of you, having a hard time reconciling my feelings of empathy and support for my husband with the very strong emotions of anger and frustration and sometimes just serious dislike. I love him and know we are both imperfect, but this is just way worse than anything I have ever done to him. Maybe that just doesn’t sound right, I know a sin is a sin and we are all forgiven when we ask for forgiveness ( I feel bad to make our forgiveness sound like it is not a big deal or that Jesus’s sacrifice does not mean anything to me, please don’t read it that way) but I am just really mad that he did something SO bad. I love when friends complain about their husbands’ faults and I think to myself- if only you knew what I would give to only be mad at him for not helping give the kids a bath or coming home late from work, etc. Every marriage is imperfect and has its cross to bear, but this is such a heavy burden, such a BIG deal and it affects every aspect of our relationship together. Is it possible to just wake up one day and say, I am going to trust my husband from now on? My husband seems to be on the right track, I have no reason not to trust him right now. Am I really just going to have to live the rest of our life like that? Just trusting for this moment? Never feeling security for the future? What could come tomorrow to change his mind and will he really be able to resist it? Good Christian brothers and sisters are making bad decisions with serious repercussions everyday and they have big things to lose- government positions, money, powerful jobs, etc. My huband will just lose me. I am a nice person and believe I have been a good wife and friend to him but am I enough? I am aware that something is always lurking around to pull him away and it is a strong temptation that is hard for him to fight off and I have a really hard time thinking that in a bad moment his free will won’t trick him into thinking he can get away with it just this once. I know ultimately he has to do this for God and that God will, and is, taking care of me but in my human-ness I just want proof. I want to wake up without the heaviness of this issue greeting me every morning. What is taking time to heal and when I am just letting Satan rule my thoughts?
I am thankful that though none of us have the answers, you all know what I am saying.
Renee,
Thank you for your encouraging words. I understand what you are saying about the part of “two becoming one” and the confidence in the marriage has been wounded. I am seeing a counselor on my own, and he wanted to know if we should have my husband join the sessions, but I wasn’t ready yet. Because it always seems to be about him. I have a really hard time just taking time for myself . I am that type of person that puts everyone first. I never thought in a million years that I would have to experience this or have to go through this. I would never wish this pain and hurt on anyone!!!! Hearing all the stories I think to myself. These are wonderful women, mothers, wifes and I know we are not perfect either but this pain is like you said like a major traffic accident…. I pray that this journey I am on is full of hope, but that is where the trust comes in…. I can’t see the whole picture and I know my trust issues go further than just my husband. It is with my heavenly father. I married my high school sweet heart and we have been married 18 years and have two daughters 13 and 9 years old. He has gone through drug rehab several times, he has thought he was an alcholic, has been diagnoised with bipolar and in feb, he said he thinks this is the person he is supposed to be because of the SSA and he was with another man, it was oral –he says and he left for a week but it was so hard on the kids, they didn’t know what it was about and I am going to leave it that way. I think this is way to much for them. Then he came back and he went back to the bible and he sees that this isn’t what God wants for him but now he is trying to figure out who he is suppose to be. I did ask him do you want to be married? He said that if he didn’t want to be married I would have not came back. He did go to the dr, to be tested. He says hes more that a father and more than a husband. The story goes deeper than that but it basically is like the rest of the ladies. Now I am just trying to live…. Trying to do what God has called me to do, but I struggle soo much with trust… I know I am not responsible for this… I know that resentment is also a choice, just like loving a person is a choice and not a feeling. I think you so much for your kind words, thank you for this place to come and just vent. I like so many of the other women, wish that we didn’t even have to have a place like this,,, but thank GOD it is here. One day at a time. Today its in Gods hands.. I think sometimes what is wrong with me. Then I realize I am just as imperfect as the next person. That God is still molding and making me…. Long way to go….Keep me in your prayers and I think about all the ladies and there stories ,,, you all are in my prayers –michelle
Michelle:
I think its great (and encouraging) to hear about your husband being so diligent in working on his own recovery, and while I agree with his statement that both of you have to be working on yourselves individually, it is normal for you to be experiencing a feeling of insecurity.
This is not just two people working on their issues separately – you also have another entity here, and that’s the marriage. So the “two becoming one” (marriage) needs communication, mutual reassurance, sacrificial giving and patience. He is asking you to trust him, which it sounds like you’re working on. But even as he is asking for grace from you, you need grace from him. Your confidence in the marriage has been wounded, and working on trusting again is like recovering from a major traffic accident. You are both in the process of learning how to be married with this set of circumstances, and it will take time to learn new steps.
Many of us (me included) have had to be willing to look at things we’re doing that make our spouse feel dishonored. We may have to take steps to correct those things. So if there is something your husband feels this way about, then it’s his responsibility is to communicate his concerns. And your part is to consider and make changes as you agree. But this process goes both ways, and regardless of whether a person gets what they want, resentment is not a foregone conclusion – it is a choice.
So, I want to encourage you – hang in there. If your husband is earnestly working on his issues its reason to have hope. And it’s an opportunity for you to know God better and grow yourself. That’s a good thing. So, persevere, dear sister! The Lord loves you! -R
Im sorry, I was interupted. He tells me to just trust. He tells me he is doing what he he needs to do for himself. He is going to meetings 2 x’s a week, and has had one meeting with joe. I explained to him about why it is not so easy for me to trust. It is something that will take time. I know each week I do ask him how he is doing? He says I need to work on myself and let him work on him. The counselor told him that it sounds like its not that she isn’t trusting, its shes denying the trust and he also said that I would be setting him up —setting him up for resentment towards me. I feel know matter what I do it isn’t good enough…or like I don’t have the right to feel the way I do. I need to get a book on boundaries. I have a long journey ahead of me. Please keep me in your prayers…
Denise, I also found out about my husband. He is getting counseling and so am I. We have read books and watched dvds. I love my husband and I know he loves me and our daughters. I to am sturggling with the sick feeling in my stomach. Always wondering- will something else happen and if so when? The trust thing is not easy for me. The lies that lead up to that moment. . I see him moving in the right direction, but I always, always have this on my mind. I know God is there and he loves me very much. Just to be normal, what is that? I don’t know anymore. God calls me to love him, but like all the other women, the pain –it hurts so bad. I try to keep my head up each day is a battle. I am like you, listening to the christian music loud, taking time to listen to encouraging christian tapes. My mind –just wonders and wonders. Your in my prayers
Denise, I am right here with you. Every story posted sounds and feels like my own in so many ways. It is hard to feel alive some days knowing that your husband is sexually attracted to other men, A punch in the gut of what you’re willing to be, soulmate, but realizing you may never be enough. I know that God sees you. I am telling you in case you can’t tell yourself. Jesus knows right where you are living, and he cares.His such a stable rock, such a fortress in our most vulnerable of moments. i too have faced my dream becoming what feels likened to a nightmare. My husband has left, he is living in Louisianna with his lover. My kids and I just had a tag sale today sold EVERYTHING but a few memories. We are moving to be with my family. ( months ago I would have never dreamed I would be strong enough to do this. But by God’s grace, mercy and his ever present hand, I am able with HOPE to know that he sees me, loves me, and holds me. Whatever steps you take in the near future know that you aren’t alone in your pain, or in your emotions from that pain. He has broken a trust with you. That doesn’t go away quickly. Read the word as often as you can. Sing in the car, sing at the sink, and post often the encouragement given by the other women here is life giving. You are loved!
I have been reading all of your posts for a few days now and feel like I have a group of kindred spirits that know my life like no one I actually know ever will. I have known of my husband’s SSA since before we were married. I never, ever suspected a thing. I remember the moment he told me like it was yesterday though it has been 7 years now. I know he loves me and I truly love him and after brief counseling we decided to continue with our wedding plans. We celebrated our 6th anniversary this year, have 3 pre-school aged children, and a life that looks perfect. But not one day has gone by since his revelation that I have not wondered what’s really going on in his head.
Earlier this year he started becoming distant. I knew there was a problem and no matter how many times he said things were fine, I knew he was lying. I discovered through my own investigation that he was having an affair with another married man (whose wife is completely clueless and this man has had several affairs- I pray for her too). The affair was physical though my husband says they never had intercourse. Unfortunately I read their email correspondence and learned all the details including them both stating that they were in love and that my husband was feeling that he was ready to tell everyone and leave me and our children. The relationship was a few months old and had turned physical about 3-4 weeks before I found out. When I found out it almost felt like a relief in a strange way because for the past 7 years, I feel like I have just been waiting for it. He is a wonderful person, a good father, loves me very much, but I knew he had not beat this. It’s been a few months now. He has reflected on a lot that happened and does not believe that he was in love or that he really would have left us, but that it was just a part of the fantasy that they were living out in a secret world. I cringe at the thought of where things may have gone had I not found out when I did- I give thanks everyday for God’s perfect timing. He promises he has not spoken to the other person involved- this other man knows I figured out what has happened since I e-mailed him- since the day I found out. My husband and I have been going to a Christian counselor and reading books, watching DVDs on the topic, etc. He is my best friend and we have not found communication difficult.
I just don’t know how to move on. He tells me all the things I think I should want to hear and truly seems sincere. But I just can’t accept it. I second guess everything he tells me, constantly wonder what he’s really doing, and fear that I am about to find out another lie. He works a lot and is gone often and it leaves a lot of time for my mind to wander. I kept Christian music playing loudly in our house at all times to try to drown out my thoughts but at night when the kids are sleeping and I am sleeping alone (he works midnights), there is no fighting what creeps into my mind. I just don’t know how to trust someone who has lied. How am I to know that he won’t do it again? How can I possibly believe what he says? He said it all before and here we are again. I am often so angry even at myself because I knew about this and had the chance to walk away and start a new life while I was still so young and before our dear children were involved, but love is blind.
I see the work God has done in me through this tragedy and know I had a lesson to learn in experiencing deeper faith, accepting Christ as my heavenly husband, and overcoming my own insecurities. I believe my salvation is real and that the Lord’s plans for me and my sweet babies are for good. I just don’t want to lose my husband and I don’t want this to happen again. I want freedom and happiness for him and am trying to show him God’s love through me and know just how badly he is hurting too. I fear now that my inability to move on is what is going to be our demise. He seems to be doing so well, almost like there is nothing to worry about which I know is how we got back here again this time. My husband is a very prideful man and wants to think he can control this and take care of it himself by sheer will and I know that this is not true. He believes in the truths of the Bible but hasn’t seemed to cross the line of actually giving it over to the Lord.
Like all of you, I don’t sleep (notice the time) and am constantly sick to my stomach. No one but our counselor and my mother know about this and it just gets exhausting trying to act like things are fine.
I pray for you all and have found great encouragement in your stories. Our role is to be the tool God uses to show his glory in these circumstances. I thank you all for your bravery and honesty.
sonya, thank you I believe you will pray for us. i am praying for you also. My first desire is to see God do a miriacle. Maybe that miracle will be me and my kids at the end of this, whole, firmly planted in Jesus serving him WITH JOY unspeakable.
hi ladie- it’s one of those middle of the night, mind racing, can’t sleep nights. my husband’s newest thing is that he is so sorry he’s hurt me and that i deserve such a better husband than he is.
he is now seeking counsel from the gay, episcopal priest in town. he is at least telling me he’s going, it just makes me feel even more defeated that this is where he’s turning, to people that validate his feelings of being gay.
i can relate to becky’s comments so much. does God protect one party more than the other? or what i’m feeling, does God really protect anyone? i’m wrestling with God so much. i feel like a child who wants God to make everything bad go away. if God is in control, why did he allow this to enter my marriage? or then, maybe i wasn’t the one holding up my end of the deal with God and i wasn’t “good enough” to be blessed with a “normal’ marriage. i know all the theology that tells me i can never earn anything and it is by grace any of us have anything.
but now, how do i keep trusting a loving God who is a rescuer of the weary, protector, (protecting me from what!) a safe place. God and i have been wrestling, so he’s not surprised i’m saying these things.
i want to trust him, he’s all i have. but where does putting my faith in God balance with or with not trusting my circumstances? am i trusting him for eternity in heaven? yes. but do i trust him to help my marriage be restored? not so much. so again, am i trusting him to help my circumstances or what am i trusting him for?
sometimes i do want my husband to leave. i just can’t see how that will work with our kids. i too believe i’m supposed to stay, where else would i go? but God! how long and for what am i waiting? i’m tired and weary. so is he. i do love him and he loves me. he just can’t see how we can be married and him be attracted to men. does anyone ever really make it with this struggle in their marriage? is there really ever fulfillment and trust and joy and hope and just fun in a marriage where this is the ever present struggle? ladies, tell me, does anyone make it with any semblance of a real, godly, equally yoked, loving marriage? i just feel hopeless.
thank you for letting me cry out. you all are a safe place for me. thank you. i do love God. and I don’t know how i’d do this like without him. i just get scared.
thank you friends.
Becky, you are SO very brave! I am so proud of you. God is giving you the courage and strength to do exactly what you feel you should. What an inspiration you are!
Having been on this road for less than a year myself, I cannot speak to how long the sorrow lasts. But I do know that we must grieve. It’s the death of a dream and a marriage. It is a whole new life that not only you have to adjust to, but to which you also have to help your kids adjust. I believe that is grounds for a few tears!!
Hold fast to your faith, do not take on guilt or shame or responsibility for the situation in which you find yourself. You did not do this. You and your family do not deserve this. Keep praying for yourself, your children, and their father. I
believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that joy can be found again.
You are in my prayers.
I havent posted in a while. I am just reading the posts often. I am praying. We had a court date last week, and I now have full custody of the kids. They will never travel to louisianna to see him, ( he has admitted that the man he moved with is gay and his lover) we won the right to move from Ct to Pa where my whole family lives. The kids and I will be leaving in 10 days, as soon as school is out. I am leaving behind everything I have known for 12 years. Everything my kids have ever known. He did come and talk with the kids and told them that he has been a bad man and that he has hurt mommy in a bad bad way. He told them he loved them, and answered all thier questions. He did not fight anything in court. He will pay child support, and he can come see the kids in Pa once a month, he must come alone and he cannot bring his lover. I should feel estastic that they will protected. I instead feel like I am still losing everything, my marriage is breathing its last breathe. I wondered why the other day I still want to save my marriage. What is wrong with me that I think I don’t deserve more than a cheating, lying man? Is my self esteem so low that I would settle to spend the rest of my life wondering if he is having affairs, or if the man waiting on our table is desirable to him? I am coming to this juncture when i have to ask myself what I really want? Do I want this? Does God protect one party more than another when his love for everyone is the same? Does God look down and say, Becky, I know the future, and I am going to protect you from further hurt. It won’t be easy but its going to be okay? Is that scriptual? Does God choose one child over another? Can I ever really ever look at him without my stomache churning and my heart yearning for the man he used to be? Was he ever the man I thought he was? I am in a weary place. I am okay though, I am talking to God all day, slipping away to a quiet spot to cry, and then coming back to pack up me & my kids lives. Does anyone elses heart ache all the time, for what seems to be like a stupid dream that doesn’t exist? I am sure every woman on here does. I know that sorrow has the power to drive us to know Christ like no joy ever can. I do not embrace the sorrow, but I am choosing to use it as a tool to put myself in God’s ever loving hands. To set me in front of the throne of grace and mercy. Please pray for my family as this new and scary chapter evolves into what we will call our new lives. I am thankful for this site.
I hate reading and love reading your posts. It continues to break my heart as more and more people write comments for the first time. But I love that God has brought us together in a format that we can write openingly and encourage eachother.
Chris- It sounds like your husband is repentant which is so much better than just remorsful. The fact that he is out and doing so much to help himself I hope you can truely see as encouraging. I’m sure you still cry your eyes out as most of do. But I pray you continue to find hope in the Lord.
Here’s my question to you all. Right now I feel very peaceful that God wants to me stay in this marriage and fight. But everything in me wants to run away. I went to Hallmark today because our anniversary is in a couple of weeks. We won’t be in the came country on that day so I thought I’d send a card. I’m struggling so much with the fact that every card I picked up I couldn’t whole heartedly mean. I can’t tell him he’s my everything, he’s my best friend, he’s my soulmate, or that I love when we spend time together. It took every ounce of strength I could get from God not to break down sobbing in the card isle. How do I change that? He crushed my spirit so much when he slept with other men that I don’t know how to learn to like him again. He told me the other day that he felt like he was chasing after someone who didn’t want to be caught. That hit me hard. I don’t want to be caught right now. I’m to afraid of what will happen if he does catch me and I start to trust him again. How do change that? Any suggestions?
Karen,
Thanks for checking in with us and we’re so glad you posted here. We will keep you in our prayers, for sure, and if you need to someplace to go with your feelings, you can meet us again right here. Take good care and keep in touch. -R
Hello all,
I hate to say it because I truely wish there was no need for it but I am so thankful that I have found this site. I stumbled on it a couple months ago and have recieved a great deal of help from reading here. I can understand what everyone is saying and feeling because I have been in this battle for two years. I know the feel of feeling so alone the it seems the world is going to swallow me whole. My husband and I have been married for almost twelve years and have three kids (Ages 3,7,.&10) and we do go to Christian counselors and they are very good at what they do and they have helped us both tremendously but no matter how hard they try they can’t always be there in the dark of the night when things are too quiet or when the kids are out playing and I don’t want to hear myself think. It’s days like today that I hate to think. Every time I think we are OK and I can stop worrying about all these issues constantly something else comes up. Two days ago I decided to check the history on the compture and found out that he had entered a search for a gay porn site and clicked to open it. Our internet filter (which I only have the password for) stopped it from opening so he didn’t see it but still right now I feel betrayed all over again. He says he is glad the filter worked and stopped him from seeing it and he doesn’t even know why he did it but I thought he had gotton stronger than that! This was like pouring salt in a wound that already stings me down to my core. Why can’t he just love God and Me and Our Family ENOUGH to fight his temptations harder. I know he is fighting and I know he loves me but dealing with SSA and all the fall-out that comes with it is so crazy hard. I refuse to quit because I love him too much and I can’t emagine my life without him. He is my best friend (ironic that I would say that considering how I feel betrayed at the same time) and I know he is trying. That is part of what keeps me going but right now I am just tired and want to cry my eyes out and then rest. We have both done a lot of reading through out this process. I think I am going to suggest that my husband go back and re-read Desires in Conflict and The Game Plan again and start over with it’s suggestions. I think he will be willing to do that and at least then I will be able to see some effort instead of just hearing “I’m Sorry”. I have to hold out three more days on my own until our next couseling session (they are out of town or I would have already called them) but I pray that all of you precious ladies will hold me up in your prayers. Thank you all for listening. When the online group gets going in August I plan to jump in head first. Thank you for sharing your stories and giving me another lifeline (lifeboat) to hold on to.
Sonya, Rene
Thank you for your complete honesty. Honesty seems to be a huge thing to me lately, gee I wonder why?
Anyway I am now immersing myself in my own recovery. I am going to a COSA recovery meeting, seeing a christian counselor for myself, seeing one with my husband(yes spending way too much money we don’t have but my life is counting on it), going to celebrate recovery at my church (they have a group for COSA) and communicate and listen on wivesinthebattle and new life ministries website when I can. I am much better today, it just occupies my mind 24/7.
He swears he’s not gay, bi, and just wanted male acceptance. Initially when I found out, he was freaked out realizing he would have to address why did he go so far as to chat with these men for “real” pictures, but would not go all the way, and wasn’t into the sex part, but saw the depravity in it. He said he wondered himself why he did these things, but didnt want to know why. He couldnt accept he was gay, and says he could no more want sex with a man than with a goat, and claims he still isnt. Nonetheless i kicked him out initially, waiting for the bomb to drop to hear him figure it out that he was gay,but it still hasn’t happened. He still defends he didn’t cross the flesh line, and that he basically has nothing to lose by telling me because we are living separately anyway. I know, and he knows, that he still betrayed our marriage, and me, but has a better understanding of why he did it. He said it has to do with his father abandoning him (his dad leaving him physically would have been better), no boundaries taught by his father as a kid, no positive male role models or friends, and a molester who treated him better than his dad. Which I guess, ties into him being ok with the whole getting attention thru a gay porn site. So now I am trying to forgive him. He is doing all the right things, going to CR, counseling, support groups, and even went to a men’s retreat this last weekend. This is from a man who used I used to drag to church, and thought church was for the weak but I guess he finally realized he’s weak too, duh!
But when I started dating him 25 years ago, I thought he was as smart as I was (ok I think I’m pretty smart, but lately, not so much), and now that I know about this “compartmentalized’ life he had been leading lately, how stupid could he be not to realize something was WAY wrong here? He said he was afraid to approach me about it. True, how could he say “Chris, I think I have a problem and it’s of a gay nature and I don’t know why?” MY husband is very prideful (another sin) so maybe in God’s way this had to happen this way…..??
In any case, I am trying to commit myself to this journey with my husband as long as I can, or until my husband stops trying to make it right. It will truly have to be by Gods grace and strength that I will thrive, and not because of my husbands actions.
My “lifeboat” is experiencing the storm, and I know there will be pain, but thru the pain I am learning, there is supposed to be healing(and of course i want that yesterday!) I can’t imaging riding the storm without God, and ultimately, thats the whole point- no matter what happens.
Looking for friendship to share this struggle of sexual sin and betrayal,
Chris
Chris,
I can really feel the grief you are experiencing, and I agree with what Sonya has said. She mentioned seeing a doctor, getting some support, and getting in touch with a good Christian counselor, which I hope you’ll do.
And I can really feel what you’re saying when you say “What about me and my self-worth? Am I supposed to take if for the team?” When this stuff comes out in a marriage, so much of the focus is on the husband and all his issues that the wife just feels like a big zero. That’s why what Sonya suggested is so important–when we get isolated, or are in extended periods of grief our self-perceptions get skewed, we can become depressed because we feel there are no options or no way to resolve our anger.
First step to getting over this is taking care of yourself, and part of taking care of yourself is making sure your husband knows what you will accept and what you won’t accept. You will probably need some support to help you sort this out and hopefully you’ll begin to feel a little more in control and have some space to heal. I hope you’ll check in with us and let us know how you’re doing. We care. -R
Oh, Chris. My heart sank lower and lower as I read your post. The pain, betrayal, etc. that you feel because of your husband’s behavior, is what we have all felt. Never have I experienced anything this excrutiating, and I am always incredibly saddened to see a first time post from a devastated wife.
It is not okay for you to feel guilty, or bad, or responsible for his actions. He is a grown man, and it is his responsibility to behave that way…not yours to make him. You DO need to get help for yourself, as soon as possible. There are several websites, support groups, and counseling services that you can check into. You CAN NOT do this alone.
My humble advice: First, make an appointment to see your physician. You need to be tested in case your husband has not been truthful as to whether or not he has acted out sexually. Let’s face it. Our husbands have been deceiving us for years. Trusting what that say in this regard is not an option. Your health is at stake. In addition, you might discuss with him/her the possibility of anti-depressants, and/or sleep medication. Both made a big difference for me. I had to function for my kids, myself, and my job (I am a teacher). Until I saw my doctor, I was not functioning at all.
My next suggestion would be to immediately find a counselor who has experience in this field. You would be surprised at the number available. And, if necessary, several offer phone counseling. A good, christian therapist can help you realize that you are not defined by your husband’s addiction, or behavior.
The only other “tidbit” that I have to offer you is this: Don’t define your actions, or have your beliefs dictated by any earthly person or religion. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am an active, faithful, Jesus-loving, church-going, card-carrying (ha), christian. However, just because I have been taught something from the pulpit or in Sunday School my whole life, doesn’t make it true. I am not suggesting that you leave your husband. That is something you have to decide for yourself. However, open the Bible. Read it carefully. Digest the Word. Then, after studying for yourself, see what you believe the Bible to say…not just about marriage…but every aspect of your life. Don’t make a decision based upon what religion tells you do do, but what God the Almighty Father says.
As far as internet porn goes….if your husband is, or has been, actively engaged in this activity, he has been unfaithful to you. Period. There is no Biblical reason to go outside the marriage for ANY kind of sexual gratification.
I hope I have not said too much, or offended anyone. The more I have to deal with my own situation, the more almost passionate I become about telling other wives my experience, and voicing my opinions. This is NOT our fault. We did NOT cause this. And there IS help.
Chris, I will add you to my prayer list. You are a precious child of God. Own it. Believe it. He can provide you with more strength and courage than you ever thought you could possibly possess.